> netslackers <

Death and Taxes
-- Monday, November 29, 2004 --

My economics teacher died this morning.

My first thought upon hearing the news was, "Is my term paper still due?"

Netslackers: Now bringing you the gradual erosion of Abby's moral soul.


> Abby 4:50 PM [110176524635633679]
> (1) comments

Valuable lessons:

1. Don't feed the plants
2. Little Red Riding Hood: A Story of Small Children, Woodland Wildlife, and Date Rape
3. Crime and Punishment: A Story of Small Children, Urban Wildlife, and Date Rape
4. Hobgoblins beat the orcs and took their lunch money
5. You can't have sex with a bull, even if you slip it GHB
7. Food is no substitute for pizza
8. Poland: stalwart ally of the west
9. Gravity works

Numerical college:

Number of classes: 4
Number of credits: 4.5
Number of meals per week: 20
Number of meals wanted per week: 21
Number of closets: 4
Number of private bathrooms connected to my dormroom: 2
Number of cockroach souls sent to that great, big, cockroach resting place in the sky under the iron heel of my flip-flop: 4
Number of known cockroaches at large: 1
Number of foam swords in my dorm: Many
Number of samurai swords in my dorm: 2
Number of samurai in my dorm: 4
Number of foam-sword wielding samurai in my dorm: All of them
Number of days I'll be home on fall vacation starting Saturday: 7

You knew it was all leading up to something. Netslackers are back again on the prowl in the Greater Washington area, where the Metro is bountiful, the strip malls are above average, and most importantly, the laundry is free. Oh, and friends. Friends are good, too. So if I know you and don't hate you and aren't repulsed by your political views and/or smell (these two often work in tandem), come by and chill. It'll be fun. I'll bring the bongo drums.


> Abby 1:53 AM [109721277272558980]
> (2) comments

So there you are. Sitting at your computer. Gazing blankly at the screen. Eyes glazed over, mind turned to mystery meat, brain oozing out your ears. A fine way to spend your summer vacation. Well, close your mouth and wipe that drool off your chin, because the time has come for that annual venture into the great outdoors. Worry not! You won't be exposed to natural light for long enough to ruin that unhealthy pallor you've been cultivating in front of your PS2 all summer--just long enough to get to your car to drive out into the great blue, white, and asphalted wonder to see...

Sweeney Todd

From Wildwood Summer Theatre, the same people who brought you Chicago last year, comes a show with an even higher body count. Sweeney Todd is about a barber who cuts customer's throats and sends their body to the sausage lady downstairs, who bakes them into sausages and sells them to the unwary. A great show for vegans, vegetarians, the lactose intolerant, people of all dietary restrictions,

Sweeney Todd

will be playing at Quince Orchard High School on July 23, 24, 30, 31 and August 6 and 7 at 7:30 p.m., with a 1:30 matinee on August 1. Tickets are $9 for adults, $7 for students and seniors. But Abby! You say. I live in civilized country! I've never seen a cow. I don't know where Quince Orchard is! Not to fret. 15800 Quince Orchard Rd. Gaithersburg, MD 20878 is the place, and Mapquest.com is the way to get there. But Abby! You cry. I am broke and without funds and thus will not be able to revel in your theatrical splendor. Well, I suggest you do one of two things: A) Rob a bank or B) Sell cheap drugs. But do it quickly, cause the curtain goes up in two weeks. I'll be running the lightboard, fellow Netslacker-in-arms Chris is doing sound and there are other Blair/Montgomery County high school people scattered throughout the production. For more information go to the WST homepage. For a nifty promotional poster go here. For up-to-the-minute news, traffic, and weather, go to CNN.com, cause we can't help you. But for everything else, from saving babies from runaway shopping carts to planning a trip into the Amazon to cheap and violent musical theatre, Wildwood is your place.

Meanwhile... KC, well-known netslackers personality and parttime superhero has succumbed to the world of webcomic addiction. He recomends this wackiness for your viewing pleasure. Here's what renowned reviewers have to say on the subject:

plaidgonzo: much like the book i am now reading, but without the militant feminist undertones
AND
plaidgonzo: i feel as though if i read more of this, i will become stupid
MJbites: i like 20
plaidgonzo: but we've already established that you're dumb

To be fair, it's actually fairly amusing. But this is better.

In other news... We have another reader! This illustrious fellow has this to say about netslackers:

SamTheMan1116: bangup job
SamTheMan1116: bangup job, indeed

Thanks, man. It's all for you.

> Abby 1:34 AM [108952717227688422]
> (1) comments

EmpSg59: fine, I'll write a new post tonight
EmpSg59: depending on my boredom level
plaidgonzo: we could just post this conversation
plaidgonzo: just to show that we were thinking about maybe posting
plaidgonzo: and call it a post
EmpSg59: yes
plaidgonzo: then ignore netslackers again for a month
EmpSg59: kc's done it
plaidgonzo: drat
EmpSg59: no, you see, kc is the model of awesome-ness, according to kc
EmpSg59: so, we should do it, too
plaidgonzo: oh, ok then
plaidgonzo: it's a plan
EmpSg59: and an awesome plan at that
plaidgonzo: is it as awesome as kc, though?
plaidgonzo: on a scale of one to awesome, where do you rank the plan?
plaidgonzo: and where do you rank kc?
EmpSg59: the plan is at around... 14, at about the same level as the cinematic awesomeness of "you got served"
EmpSg59: kc is at ... 4.5
EmpSg59: because I like decimals
EmpSg59: and 5.5 would just be absurd
plaidgonzo: wow
plaidgonzo: kc falls from grace
plaidgonzo: the plan conquers all!
EmpSg59: it really truly does
EmpSg59: as I made the numbers, I tried to think how the plan compared relative to kc
EmpSg59: and he just can't compare
EmpSg59: I mean, after all, WE came up with the plan
plaidgonzo: it's all in the height
plaidgonzo: combined, we're like, at least 1.5 times kc's height
plaidgonzo: it's like running for president
plaidgonzo: together, we're taller. and have better hair.
plaidgonzo: no contest
EmpSg59: I'd put us at at least 1.76 times taller, though
EmpSg59: ... I just wanted to use decimals again
plaidgonzo: wacky fun

> Abby 7:40 PM [108760209701252371]
> (2) comments

There’s no doubt about it. When it comes to predicting snowfall, the Silver Chips Online Weather Team is number one. Over the course of a year, the snoWatch gurus managed to correctly project when school would be canceled nearly half of 50% of the time. Now, due to gross plagiarism of National Weather Service press releases and complete ignorance of anything related to the science of weatherology, Branden Buehler and KC Costanzo have been fired. Before the weather team disbands, however, netslackers is more-or-less proud to present snoWatch: Summer Edition.




Here’s what weather.com is predicting:

June

» Average high: 84 degrees

» 15% chance of scantily clad cute neighbor mowing the lawn

» 80% chance of scantily clad middle-aged hairy neighbor mowing the lawn

» 0% chance of light wintry mix

July

» Average high: 89 degrees

» Possible snow accumulation: 0.1 inches (+/- 0.1 margin of error)

August

» Average high: 87 degrees
» 0% chance of Silver Chips Online-owned van with snoWatch painted on the side becoming a reality . . . . unless you fund it! Send money to:
Save the van project
51 University Blvd. East
Silver Spring, MD 20901
(Only unmarked bills accepted)

» According to the people who know about this stuff: “Blub." - Frosty the Snowman

Chips’ best guess: 100% chance of closure, 100% chance of at least a two-hour delay. MCPS is always on the lookout for signs of a surprise snowstorm such as an unanticipated drop in the temperature, an overcast sky, or the sudden formation of ice cubes in the freezer. Any of these provides the superintendent with justification for shutting down the schools indefinitely or at least until an opportunity to win an award presents itself. With this in mind, you would think school would be open all summer, but it seems likely that school will be cancelled anyway. Sure, it will be sunny. Sure, there will be warm weather. But Superintendent Jerry Weast has already booked a long cruise in the Bahamas, and there’s no way he’s going to cancel it just so you can get another 2.5 months of free education.

snoWatch discussion: Imagine you lived in an area where it was so cold that when you spit, your spit froze in midair. If you sent a video of such an incident to a television station claiming you were “Ice Man," a superhero blessed with the ability to subdue criminals with projectile frozen water, would they believe you?

> KC 4:54 AM [108573451597614910]
> (2) comments

Normally I would respond to a fellow netslacker's message by obnoxiously adding a side note within the text of their preexisting post. Today I felt my obnoxiousness overflowing and decided my mean-spirited answer deserved a post of its own.

Abby - I would love to pretend I cared where you went to college, but alas, that would be dishonest and I feel our friendship is built on trust. If I were to break that trust, the foundation of our amicable relationship would crumble like something that crumbles really fast.

So please, fall backwards into the the trust circle and then onto the ground because no one is going to catch you (OUCH! That was harsh! What did she do to deserve that one? Um, I'll wait for her to do something mean to me and then I will claim I went back in time to seek revenge for it prior to the event actually happening. There, how's that sound? Confusing? Who am I addressing in these parenthetical comments and why am I asking so many questions? The world may never know).

Wait wait. That was entirely too mean . . . and yet I'm too tired to care. I'll reflect back on this negatively in the morning, don't you worry.

In conclusion, Abby, I have five words of advice for you (possibly six depending on whether the last word is actually two): Trust me on the sunscreen.

You should probably go back down and read Abby's post now because if you don't, she will probably beat me with her hurty stick of pain and no one wants that. Especially Abby's neighbors who complain her torture techniques are much too loud.

> KC 1:49 AM [108537826641525611]
> (0) comments

All conventional methods of reason have failed me. I have wandered the vast realm of cyberspace in vain. I have made lengthy (at least, hours long) trips into the netherworlds, searching for clues. Hints. Anything. The books are bupkis. The talk is trash. I can't find anything alliterative to say about the people, but they aren't helping either. The ultimate question remains unanwered.

Where the fuck am I going to college?

The situation as of 3:00 p.m., Friday, May 21: There was college A. They accepted me. There were colleges B through Z. They did not.

The situation as of 3:01 p.m., Friday May 21: There was college A. They accepted me. There is now college B. They also accepted me. They give me until Monday to decide. In this scenario, B stands for Bastard.

This is where you, the faithful reader(s) of netslackers come in. True to proper netslackers form, I am far too lazy to make this decision myself (slash incapable of arriving at any meaningful decision). Therefore, I invite you to make it for me. But don't worry, I will not leave you floundering alone in the wilderness with nought but your wits. I will provide you with a compass--a list of utterly trivial, ultimately meaningless advantages and disadvantages for each school. It's a dented compass, to be sure, and it points somewhat south-westernly, but I invite you to perserve through the thorns and thistles and bad metaphors and cast your vote in Decision 2004.

Ready go

Advantages:

College A:
-Greater possibilities for joining the Russian mafia
-The type of intellectual stimulation only possible through close contact with a large number of heavily intoxicated libertarians
-Opportunity to reenact favorite wilderness scenes from both "The Sound of Music" and "Lord of the Rings"
-Good food

College B:
-Karmic vibes of oneness with the universe flowing through my being every time I step on campus
-Less likely to go straight from college to Hell
-Access to artifacts of great historical importance that will fetch an excellent price on Ebay
-Possibility of not only reenacting favorite scenes from "Lord of the Rings," but getting course credit for doing so

Disadvantages:

College A:
-The type of intellectual stimulation only possible through close contact with a large number of heavily intoxicated libertarians
-Greater likelihood of unexpectede volcanic eruption covering campus and town in molten lava going unnoticed by outside world for several months
-Frostbite

College B:
-No escape from Massive Persistent Situational Irony Syndrome
-No escape from Ralph Nader
-Crappy food

Or you could be really daring and elect for the ever popular but rarely considered third option:

KIB: Kollege In the Basement

You have the information and you have the power. Votes must be cast within the next twelve hours, or I will be forced to extend the deadline. Go.

> Abby 11:48 PM [108537339362559885]
> (1) comments

Ideas. There are none. KC is in darkness. He cannot come up with an update to write. Despair. KC continues to flounder. There is no one for him to turn to. And then, a knight in shining armor. Instant messaging gives KC an opportunity:

KC: branden, your turn to post on netslackers
Branden AUTO-REPLY: making shoes

More despair. KC sinks into a depression. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. But then . . .

KC: chris! write something for netslackers!
Chris AUTO-REPLY: If I liked you, you'd know I wasn't here, and you'd know where I was!
KC: you're in prison taking it from behind
KC: i think i just wrote our next update

There is much rejoicing. KC has avoided spending valuable minutes coming up with something new and original by recycling a conversation. KC goes on to become a Hollywood director.

THE END

> KC 9:30 PM [108501709441830385]
> (1) comments

Many apologies to those who come here expecting laughs. Right now there's very little humor to be found. But! I promise a return to zany antics just as soon as I'm bored enough to write them!

If you haven't read this you need to now. You're going to hear a lot about it in the coming weeks and months. It's an article in the New Yorker by Seymour M. Hersh that has just blown the top off of the Iraqui abuse scandal. If you're too lazy to read the whole thing, at least read the bolded text in the next paragraph.

The roots of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal lie not in the criminal inclinations of a few Army reservists but in a decision, approved last year by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, to expand a highly secret operation, which had been focussed on the hunt for Al Qaeda, to the interrogation of prisoners in Iraq. Rumsfeld’s decision embittered the American intelligence community, damaged the effectiveness of élite combat units, and hurt America’s prospects in the war on terror.

According to interviews with several past and present American intelligence officials, the Pentagon’s operation, known inside the intelligence community by several code words, including Copper Green, encouraged physical coercion and sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners in an effort to generate more intelligence about the growing insurgency in Iraq. A senior C.I.A. official, in confirming the details of this account last week, said that the operation stemmed from Rumsfeld’s long-standing desire to wrest control of America’s clandestine and paramilitary operations from the C.I.A.

It's important you go through the whole thing. I'm still trying to figure out what, exactly, Rumsfeld knew. It seems clear he realized his orders would end up in violation of the Geneva Conventions, but I'm not sure yet if he approved any specifics.

The article goes on to explain that Bush knew of Copper Green, but it's kind of vague about whether or not he was in the loop about what it stood for specifically.

In theory, the operation enabled the Bush Administration to respond immediately to time-sensitive intelligence: commandos crossed borders without visas and could interrogate terrorism suspects deemed too important for transfer to the military’s facilities at Guantánamo, Cuba. They carried out instant interrogations—using force if necessary—at secret C.I.A. detention centers scattered around the world. The intelligence would be relayed to the sap command center in the Pentagon in real time, and sifted for those pieces of information critical to the “white,” or overt, world.

Now, of course I can see the value of that to some extent. Some information is time sensitive and going through conventional channels isn't always an option when you're trying to put down an insurgency, but giving carte blanche to an entire group of people to do whatever it wants isn't just dangerous, it's stupid. Not only have we walked all over international law, we're setting ourselves up for more terrorist attacks of the magnitude of 9/11. If the US subscribed to international governing bodies instead of just using them to get what it wants, our country could be looking at several war crimes convictions and we will definitely be pressured by some to turn people like Rumsfeld over (of course we won't. People have cried for Kissinger to stand trial for years and they've been ignored. We don't even recognize the Hague as a legitimate court).

If Rumsfeld isn't toppled by this whole thing, Stephen Cambone looks like he'll be the top official to get knocked off:

One Pentagon official who was deeply involved in the program was Stephen Cambone, who was named Under-Secretary of Defense for Intelligence in March, 2003. The office was new; it was created as part of Rumsfeld’s reorganization of the Pentagon. Cambone was unpopular among military and civilian intelligence bureaucrats in the Pentagon, essentially because he had little experience in running intelligence programs, though in 1998 he had served as staff director for a committee, headed by Rumsfeld, that warned of an emerging ballistic-missile threat to the United States. He was known instead for his closeness to Rumsfeld. “Remember Henry II—‘Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest?’” the senior C.I.A. official said to me, with a laugh, last week. “Whatever Rumsfeld whimsically says, Cambone will do ten times that much.”

Apparently the decision to go ahead with the torture tactics was spurred on by the failure of the intelligence community in Iraq. Insurgents have managed to find out more information about us than we have about them. Thus it was concluded something had to be done and the pictures we've seen of naked Iraqi's in hoods is the result.

Now the difference between what's going on in Iraq and what's going on in Guantánamo is that the Bush administration has declared the prisoners in Guantánamo "illegal combatants" who aren't protected by the Geneva Conventions. While I don't agree with the denial of legal rights to prisoners in Cuba either, the difference has been made clear. The Bush administration had not stated, unilaterally or otherwise, that Iraqi prisoners would not be treated in accordance with international law and if the government hadn't crossed the line before, it definitely has now.

Even worse, Hersh asserts that things were kicked up a notch in Iraq:

Rumsfeld and Cambone went a step further, however: they expanded the scope of the SAP ["special-access program subject to the Defense Department’s most stringent level of security"], bringing its unconventional methods to Abu Ghraib. The commandos were to operate in Iraq as they had in Afghanistan. The male prisoners could be treated roughly, and exposed to sexual humiliation.

What we have now in Abu Ghraib, and most likely elsewhere, is a complete and utter breakdown of military command. No one had any idea who was in charge or who the person standing next to them was. Military officials and agents walked around in civilian clothing and even the people supposedly in charge weren’t clued into who was who and what they were doing in the prison. Brigadier General Janis Karpinski, the one supposedly on top of things at Abu Ghraib is quoted as saying, “I thought most of the civilians there were interpreters, but there were some civilians that I didn’t know. I called them the disappearing ghosts. I’d seen them once in a while at Abu Ghraib and then I’d see them months later.”

The author of the article appeared on CBS and said that according to one general, 60% of the people we have as prisoners aren’t even enemies and the International Red Cross is asserting that number is as high as 90%. So the people being tortured may not have any information anyway, rendering the whole situation even more senseless and inhumane than we assumed before.

The article in its entirety is about ten pages long and I’ve only gotten through 2/3 of it at this point. Again, this is something everyone needs to check out and make their own conclusions on. All I can say is that I personally am pretty appalled our government would condone this kind of “information gathering” against people who most likely have nothing to do with Hussein or the insurgency. It reminds me of the Vietnam War in a way. We created Vietcong by razing Vietnamese villages and murdering Vietnamese families. Of course they wanted revenge against the United States. I’m afraid we’re accomplishing the same in Iraq.

> KC 12:09 PM [108472406854158902]
> (0) comments

As you all know, a bunch of dumb asses in Iraq decided it would be a super-neat idea to photograph themselves abusing Iraqi prisoners. I personally would have had more fun passing the time playing cards or dropping a cinder block on my face repeatedly had I been in their shoes, but hey, some enjoy fucking over the nation they are sworn to protect while forcing prisoners to have sex with each other and some do not. To each his own.

Recently the scandal got a whole lot worse. Congress was shown more pictures of some pretty gruesome shit today and there weren't any slides at the end of the show that said, "YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!" so I think we may really be in trouble here.

Still, Tom DeLay, D-Texas (that's "D" for douche bag, not Democrat), ever the voice of reason, pointed out that people really shouldn't get so upset about this stuff:

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said he thought "some people are overreacting."

"The people who are against the war are using this to their political ends," he said.

Yes, clearly it is inappropriate to respond with disgust and horror to pictures of bloody prisoners forced to sodomize themselves while soldiers look on and laugh. Clearly the correct response is to jump for joy and then frolic down the street passing out copies of the photographs to random strangers before returning home to fax death threats to various leaders of Arab terrorist organizations.

So do we release the photos to the public? Well, at first I was going to say "no" even though I'm a journalist. My original thought process was that letting all the photos out would just rally terrorists to seek retribution and therefore subject us all to more danger. On the one hand, I realized the simple fact that these pictures exist at all is enough reason for certain people to want revenge and the world really does deserve to know just how out of hand the Bush Administration has let this whole war get.

In conclusion, I'm beginning to think my decision to attend college in Washington, DC may prove to be a bit more dangerous than I once thought, especially since my univeristy of choice is called American. Yea, I'd have to say on the list of recent decisions I've made, that one is probably the most likely to get me vaporized by a dirty bomb.

> KC 9:26 PM [108441533766526024]
> (0) comments

Bananas. Now that I have your attention, I'd like to talk about sex.

Sex is a good thing and I have of course had lots of it in my 18 years of life. I will now pause so you can clean up the milk you just snorted out of your nose when you began laughing at me. That is assuming you were drinking milk. If you were not drinking milk and had nothing to clean up, please continue reading as though there were no pause in the narrative. Thank you.

Ok, so now that it has been established that I just finished telling a preposterous lie, I will continue speaking as though I have a wealth of knowledge on the subject. Just call me Dr. Sexopolis. Or KC. It doesn’t really matter.

Go up to anyone on the street and ask them if they are fans of sex. Most will respond by producing a flag and a big foam hand with the words “Sex Number One” printed in bold letters. Others will just say “yes.” Either way, my point is proved. People enjoy having sex.

The reason you’re reading this of course is to find out if I can help you get more of it. Well sir/ma'am/Mr. Transvestite, I believe I can. I’d like to announce the single most amazing, 100% full-proof, 10 year warrantee plan I am making up off the top of my head as I type to help you get a little more action.

Here it is: Rent an Indiana Jones movie and then do precisely as he does. If this doesn’t sky rocket your action quotient, I don’t know what will.

Oh, and to get more sex, try touring your neighborhood in a riding mower naked while shouting, “PLEASE COME OUT AND SEX ME UP!” at every house you pass. If you are arrested, tell the police officer you were simply soliciting sex from your neighbors in order to raise money for the oldest profession in the world. They will be forced to let you go as prostitution in the name of charity is completely legal.

> KC 12:44 AM [108433836729781683]
> (0) comments

I am proud to report that yet another rabid netslackers groupie has petitioned to join our elite ranks. Yes, Izaak, too, has succumbed to blog envy. This means that all three of our regular readers want to join! First Izaak, Eric, and Ben. Then, the world.

I'm afraid, however, we must reject Izaak due to his failure to file forms in triplicate. Also, I suspect his motives. It seems he wasn't actually interested in contributing actual content to site (not that anyone else does). He only wanted a picture of the pope to appear next to his name. But there can be only one instrument of the divine voice, and as resident pope of netslackers, I retain the right to petition a hefty smiting from higher powers upon anyone attempting to usurp my position. Failing that, I will throw incense at them and, in their moment of blindness, chuck my ceremonial hat at their head.

Sorry, Izaak. Better luck next time.

> Abby 3:19 PM [108413038288606132]
> (0) comments

MJbites: that link was out of my hands by the way
MJbites: i in no way condone it
MJbites: i believe in traditional american values like "no fucking sea mammals even if you're really horny and desperate"

Just as I do not approve of blow-jobs administered by dolphins (see below), President Bush is not a fan of American soldiers unleashing their yellow rivers of justice on Iraqi prisoners. Sadly, while he did mention he was appalled by the pictures illustrating such abuse, he somehow neglected to let the Arab world know he was sorry. At this point, he should really just send all the leaders of terrorist organizations lacey invitations with calligraphy reading, "The United States welcomes you to blow up any structure you feel represents American imperialism at your earliest convenience. No RSVP required. Shabot Shalom! Haha! Just kidding! Allah Akhbar!"

In other news: Interest in netslackers has recently EXPLODED, by which I mean I have manufactured interest by poking my friends repeatedly and reminding them this website exists. Due to its massive popularity, now when you search for the word "netslackers" on Google, the search engine finds a billion webpages belonging to roughly three websites I submitted a link to (seriously, this one portal called "eatonweb" most have us listed on their site at least a few hundred times as a "similar weblog" to various other blogs we are nothing like). There's also a high demand for jobs here at netslackers. We have been inundated with requests (read: two) to join the writing staff. One applicant, Ben Austin, has been asked to fill out 16 forms (consequently it's the same one over and over again, he just has to use differet color crayons for each and answer creatively) and submit a résumé. The other, Eric Glover, had the following conversation with me which automatically disqualifies him --

Sonixnfire: wanna tell me why i'm still online...? i've got a million jon'ts to do
MJbites: you're on drugs?!
Sonixnfire: you heard me.
MJbites: eric. your life does suck, it's true, but that's no reason to turn to drugs. it's a reason to turn to suicide.
Sonixnfire: don't know what i'd do without you, kc
MJbites: <3

Because he caused me to evoke the heart emoticon (a.k.a.: bizarrely shaped phallic symbol), he will be put to death.

Side note: My girlfriend is pro-choice and pro-death penalty leading me to suspect she is, in fact, the Grim Reaper in disguise. This complicates our relationship somewhat. I mean, I love her, but my feelings of affection are tempered somewhat by my fear that she may arbitrarily decide to put an end to my life.

> KC 9:35 PM [108380731215799309]
> (0) comments

John Kerry has committed a sin this country will not soon forget. He's a war hero and fought for the United States when it asked him to, but that doesn't excuse the terrible atrocity he committed when he came back from the war. No, we cannot forgive him because what he did is akin to whipping out your penis and publicly urinating on the American flag while singing red China's national anthem. John Kerry committed an act so despicable and morally repugnant that I feel like I'm being kicked in the groin repeatedly every time I think about it.

If you don't know about this controversy sweeping the nation, let me explain: back in the 70s John Kerry was filmed on camera tossing away some medals or possibly ribbons that may or may not have all been his to protest a war he fought in but now wanted to end and in some interview recently he had the audacity to try defending his actions (Google News).

Yes, I know what you're thinking. This man is the devil himself. George W. Bush avoided the war all together and can't account for some of the time he supposedly spent protecting the United States from any possible Vietnamese invasion of the mid-west, but golly-gee, he sure as HELL didn't throw away the medals his dad gave him to play with because the armed forces wouldn't give him any.

I'd say this definitely gives the edge to my buddy Georgie. But he better be careful. What if the Democrats try the same tactic? What if the Democrats start taking the Republicans to task for all sorts of completely trivial things that have nothing to do with a public official's ability to run the country? What if Kerry points out that Bush taught his daughter how to soak up beer like her wife beater at a wet t-shirt contest? What if the DNC releases an ad featuring Bush's abusive relationship with pretzels? Or even worse, what if they insinuate that Bush was attempting suicide on that fateful day when he passed out trying to digest his snack food and therefore isn't fit as commander-in-chief?

Or imagine if the Clinton campaign had taken a similar approach during the 1996 election and had released a television spot in which the announcer said in a low, worried tone, "Bob Dole takes pills to make his Tricky Dick stiff as a Gore. Do you really want a dirty old man running the land of liberty?"

So please, President Bush and various big business donors, think before you insinuate an American soldier is unpatriotic. I'd hate to see you lose this election just because some liberal hippy jerk brings up that one time you got charged with a DUI.

Remember, a vote for Bush is a vote for freedom, Jesus Christ, and all the people who died in 9-11 including the ones who were Democrats and hated his guts for stealing the election.

> KC 4:22 PM [108309732968758385]
> (0) comments

Below is an excerpt from the release you have to agree to if you want to be a part of ESPN's "The Season of the Fan" promotion.

"ESPN and any third parties it selects may . . . alter and/or edit the Material and/or my name, voice, portrayal, actions and/or likeness . . . for any purpose and in any manner whatsoever . . . in any and all media, now known or hereafter devised, in any and all versions, throughout the universe."

That's right, ESPN has UNIVERSAL POWER. If ESPN so chooses, it may photoshop naked pictures of you making passionate love to Bea Arthur and beam them to space aliens along with an edited voice recording of you shouting, "HEIL HITLER!"

In other news: Last I checked a couple hours ago, there were literally a dozen or more cop cars just outside my development and they taped off the entrance to that side of the woods. These woods lead back to my house. I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I MAY BE DEAD BY MORNING. If you don't hear from me sometime in the next week, assume I've met a gruesome end courtesy of the serial killer likely camping out in my backyard. Please notify my next of kin so they can collect my family's remains.

FANTACULAR, SPLENTASTIC BONUS LINK!: A couple weeks ago I stumbled upon one of the smoothest Flash animations I have ever seen and today I stumbled upon a rock and broke my big toe. The focus of this FANTACULAR, SPLENTASTIC BONUS LINK! (TM) is the former. Here it is: Bitey of Brackenwood. Check out the animator's website for more of his work. I recommend checking out his two part hitchHiker short also. The animation is a bit rougher, but the story is excellent.

> KC 2:18 AM [108287392241543237]
> (0) comments

I'm not going to dwell on this because I like to pretend netslackers is a humor site, but this is something I think deserves a little attention.

If you haven't heard, Pat Tillman was killed today. He died fighting in Afghanistan, the same way at least 100 other young Americans have since 2001. I had forgotten about his remarkable story to tell the truth until someone told me about his death earlier today. As many in the media have said, he turned away all the reporters who tried to cover his abrupt change in career paths, so it doesn't seem right to rehash all the details of his background here.

As Adrian Wojnarowski put it in his somewhat roughly written, but well-thought out story on ESPN.com, "An American hero died in Afghanistan on Thursday, but what Pat Tillman was able to remind everyone back home was that, tragically, they die every day."

I had a whole long-winded conclusion to this entry, but I think I'm going to stop now before I begin preaching again and trigger flashbacks to my days as a televangelist. Just remember to observe a moment of silence for fallen troops tonight.

> KC 8:00 PM [108276480606912371]
> (0) comments

Yes, folks. It's a new post. But where's the content?! Under the sofa? In the kitchen cabinet? Beneath those moldy pizza crusts that have piled up on my basement floor?

This is where YOU come in! Be the first one to track down the missing entry and win a free amusement park named after you . . . or me, whichever I feel like!

Do whatever you have to to get the content sent to netslackers HQ. If deadly force is your lone option or you find your only course of action is to transport it illegally over the Mexican border hidden away in your narcotics stash, so be it. Jesus will forgive and forget and even if he doesn't, you've got a new rollercoaster so who the hell cares.

In other news: Gmail has officially launched and Ashcroft is suing Google for copyright infringement.

> KC 7:20 PM [108258962710208408]
> (0) comments

Imagine if you will (and you will, damn it) the following scene:

You are annoyed or angry at someone very close to you, say a family member or your significant other. You convey this to the other person by mumbling or making various dismissive comments because you aren't sure you feel like talking (don't worry, I'm going somewhere with this; netslackers has not turned into a personal diary). Finally you manage to conclude the awkward, stumbling conversation and are about to walk away or hang up the phone when whoever it is you're miffed at whips out the big guns in an effort to defuse you. You try to get out of earshot before they can say it or clap your hands over your ears and sing, "LALALALALALALALALA!" but it's too late.

"I LOVE YOU," they say.

They've got you! Now you are in a very difficult position. Yes, it's true, you love them too, but you're pissed off. This is not a point you can concede! Your mind races. WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU DO?!

It's clear you heard what they said so you can't just ignore the comment. There's nothing you can do. So you say under your breath, "I love you too," with as much enthusiasm as one might expect from someone who is forced to announce to the world that they still wear Pampers Easy Ups.

But wait! There's another option after all! If you're on the phone when your loved one pulls this stunt on you, simply blurt out the following: "OH MY GOD! I'VE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED AND MUST HANG UP THE PHONE IMMEDIATELY TO SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION!" There's nothing they can say to that.

Similarly, if you're talking to them face to face and they say, "I love you," look off into the distance and furrow your eyebrows as if in a deep, worried concentration. Then open your eyes wide in shock and shout, "There is treachery afoot! Someone needs my help! Spectacular Man is off . . . . FOR JUSTICE!"

At this point if you happen to be wearing a shirt with buttons, try ripping it open dramatically and fly away.

Using this strategy, you no longer have to admit that you love whoever it was you were arguing with and you have avoided doing damage to your relationship at the same time! Don't thank me. I'm just doing my job.

> KC 12:39 PM [108230638227767068]
> (0) comments

Abby too has found death by whale. It is a sad day.

Details are still in short supply, but from what I gather, it happened sometime after 10:30 and involved a large beluga, a stick of dynamite, and 7 tons of uncooked bacon. How this resulted in Abby's untimely death is anyone's guess at the moment. Police are calling it an act of terrorism and are currently interogating bacon farmers north of the border.

The questions are many, but one in particular sticks out: Why would Canada so viciously attack its neighbor unprovoked? Only Jesus knows for sure and he's been dead over 2000 years so he won't be much help in the case.

> KC 12:36 AM [108217657271123180]
> (0) comments

The time has come. [Cue mood music.] We laughed, we cried, we ate many hot dogs. But now we must say goodbye. But I take with me many lessons from this experience, mainly that sometimes a man's a man, but sometimes he's Terry Li. Poor Terry.

The scene: Room 165
The characters: Abby Graber, Eric Glover, Mr. Mathwin the Almighty

Abby: nyuh
Eric: clicky click.
Mr. Mathwin: Time to go!
Abby: Woo!
Eric: black men do not woo. woot, yo.
Mr. Mathwin: clean up!
Abby: die now
Mr. Mathwin: no
Abby: you seem to have set off my deja vu sensors
Mr. Mathwin: quiet
Abby: righto

So it ends.

> Abby 10:14 PM [108216844505546841]
> (0) comments

Ten points if you get a penny through Terry's nose.

The scene: Room 165
The characters: Abby Graber, Eric Glover, Christian Brown, Izaak Orlansky, our Fearless Leader, and The Lord, Our God, Easha Anand.

Abby: this graphic is ugly. it is like a big splotch of ugly in the middle of my page.
Easha: ooh, graphic, pretty
Eric: I radiate ambivalence
Abby: grrr
Izaak: hmmm. indecision.
Abby: grrr
Christian: yeah
Izaak: we'll make it smaller and call it fixed
Abby: observe as i disembowel you with a salad fork
Izaak: observe as i hold your page hostage forever.
Abby: touche.

Later

Abby: now only a fourth of my page is twelve shades of ugly. the rest of it has risen to merely bad.
Christian: yeah
Eric: I radiate ambivalence
Izaak: hmmm. indecision
Easha: well...
Abby: die, graphic, die!
Easha: well...
Abby: too late
Easha: ok
Izaak: ok
Christian: ok
Eric: what?
Abby: triumph.

If I were Superman, I wouldn't be here. Hold that thought.

> Abby 8:30 PM [108216258425229583]
> (0) comments

We try to ignore Terry's crazed mutterings as the night continues; most simply avoid that corner of the room, which is beginning to smell of cabbage. Briefly rejuvenated by cake and brownies, we toil on, narrowly avoiding lofting some of the older, sturdier Macintoshes over our heads and hurling them off the roof like bungee jumping, hardwired pidgeons. But without cords.

I could probably kill a buffalo with one of these.

But no buffalos present themselves for the slaughter, and so I am forced to make do squashing small insects beneath the might of my editing pen. Mwahahahaha.

The scene: Room 165
The characters: Abby and a Total Lack of Pizza Guy

Abby: damnit, where's my pizza?
Total Lack of Pizza Guy: ...
Abby: gah

Later

Abby: damnit, where's my pizza
Total Lack of Pizza Guy: sike, right here, yo
Abby: oh. ok.

Listen to the sounds of silence. For now.

> Abby 7:19 PM [108215797211173476]
> (0) comments

The strain is beginning to show. With increasing rapidity the madness descends. Now they stare vacantly into space, visions of picas dancing in their heads and guidelines subdividing their brains into small compartments, not quite big enough for a photo, but too large for a graphic. Young Terry Li has taken to wandering about the lab, mumbling indistinctly and jumping at small noises. We throw pennies at him for food and pepper spray him if he comes too close.

And outside, the insanity rages.

The scene: Room 164
The characters: Abby Graber, Katherine Epstein, and Izaak Orlansky, our Fearless Leader, Sreela Whose-Last-Name-Is-Too-Holy-To-Type. Or-Spell.

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: ok
Abby: schwing!

Later

Abby: sign my page
Sreela: ok
Abby: schwing!

Katherine: I abandon you
Abby: die now
Katherine: no
Abby: drat

The scene: The SAC
The characters: Abby Graber, Hot Dog Man, various and sundry Students of Blair

Abby: give a hot dog
Hot Dog Man: no
Abby: oh, shot down
Students of Blair: ::mill mill, chatter, mill::

Back in flash like a flash in a back.

> Abby 6:11 PM [108215407492640238]
> (0) comments

Under severe duress from the sterling Public Relations Director of Silver Chips, I am forced to write an entry singing her praises. Fortunately, she has walked away, so I am free to disclose to the world how ugly she is and how rabidly we all hate her and her publicly related ways. Just kidding, Nina. We love you. You can take away the cattle prod now. Ow! Oh, God, no more shocks!

The scene: Room 165
The characters: Abby Graber, Katherine Epstein, and Izaak Orlansky, our Fearless Leader

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: is "hashbrowns" one word or two?
Abby: fool

Later

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: no
Katherine: tralala

But wait, folks, there's more. Just not right now.

> Abby 4:39 PM [108214836656939541]
> (0) comments

I regret to inform you all that dearly beloved netslackers writer Chris Mulligan was hit and killed by a three ton whale. According to doctors, he experienced little pain because he died in his sleep and wouldn't have been alive long enough after impact to feel anything anyway. The whale was dropped from an airplane, meaning it was falling at such a high rate of speed that the time between the moment the fat, blubbery underbelly of the overgrown fish touched a hair on his head to the moment it reached the pavement and began its journey to the center of the earth, was nearly instantaneous.

All mourners are welcome to the funeral. Shamu will perform the ceremony and direct the sea burial of the whale corpse.

Meanwhile, Chris's mushy remains have been purchased by the Motts company and packaged as strawberry applesauce.

Authorities have not yet reached a conclusion as to whether Chris or the whale was responsible for the deadly collision. The whale family maintains that Chris was drunk at the time of the accident and refused to get out of the way of their airborne son. "Had [Chris] not been pounding vodka and recklessly walking about in the mall parking lot," said the whale's father, "my son would still be with us today."

When the coroner pointed out that the whale was most likely killed by the force of gravity propelling it into the ground and not by the impact of Chris's body moving at approximately 0.0 mph vertically, the family laughed bitterly and called it a government conspiracy.

For Chris's sake, call President Bush and demand he stop dropping large mammals out of airplanes over populated civilian areas. If we all make an effort, we can make change.

Thank you.

> KC 3:35 PM [108214413530306896]
> (0) comments

I have commandeered netslackers for the evening and will be posting LIVE! (but progressively deader) updates from Late Friday with Silver Chips. Be enthralled. But don't forget to eat your vitamins.

41 minutes of progress have been made, and no one has collapsed from radiation leaking from the monitor, become paralyzed by carpal tunnel, or thrown themselves out of the lab window in madness. But the night is young.

The scene: Room 164
The characters: Katherine Epstein, Abby Graber, and Izaak Orlansky, our Fearless Leader

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: quiet, you are unimportant

Abby: ooh, hangman
Katherine: E
Abby: no
Katherine: I
Abby: no
Katherine: Phytoplankton
Abby: yes

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: no

Stay tuned. Or tune your stay. Either one.


> Abby 3:35 PM [108214497647115215]
> (0) comments

I don't care how famous a poet your are, "wound" still doesn't rhyme with "found." They may be spelled similarly. There may be a cunning configuration of vowels that would suggest the possibility of a chance of the semblence of a rhyme, mayhap, if the weather is clear and the dog doesn't eat it. But this is a vicious lie, like so many things in my life. One day it will not be 12:04, and I could list some of them.

Anyways.

Whenever I read "blah blah blah wound, blah blah blah found," my little mental voice goes "fooned." Which is silly, because that is not all up in the English language.

So Marvell is all like, "tralala, it is a poem about trees and there are trees, ooh look, trees pretty, be all appreciating of my extended metaphor for life FOONED!"

And I am all like, "hehehehehehe" and not up in the appreciating, except for the unintended humor value.

Oh Marvell. Marvell Marvell Marvell. There are too many l's in your name.

> Abby 12:09 AM [108208854322240177]
> (0) comments

"If you've ever seen six year-olds play soccer, that's the mainstream media."
-Jon Stewart

Get ready for a shocker: I, Keith Ricky Ricardo Richard "Tricky Dick" Costanzo, am a liberal. Thus it goes without saying that I consider radio talk show hosts lower than low (I would have found something low to compare them to like sewage or manure, but it's much too late at night/early in the morning to come up with something clever so I've decided to abandon all attempts at anything remotely resembling real humor in this entry). Because let's face it: the news media has a right-wing bias so blatant that every time I hear Fox News call itself "Fair and Balanced" I feel the urge to attack my television set with my admittedly decorational, but surprisingly sharp sword. And radio talk show hosts are by far the worst. They enjoy doing as little research as possible and supliment their flimsy arguments with "facts" gathered from conservative rumor mills and press releases from consevative think tanks. Rush Limbaugh, the public's favorite hypocritical, drug-addled tub of lard, uses his show to preach the gospel according to Matt Drudge, a man devoted to reporting unsubsantiated rumors and packaging them as legitimate news on the world's ugliest website.

So it also goes without saying that I was very happy when Air America Radio launched about a week ago. For those of you that don't know, Air America Radio is the liberal response to the right-wing mainstream media. Al Franken, the guy from Saturday Night Live and author of several hilarious books, hosts one of the shows and lends legitimacy to the whole campaign. While I haven't listened to it much yet as it doesn't air in the DC area, I can already say with confidence that Air America's programming beats the competition's to a pulp.

I don't really have a conclusion to this post or anything particularly funny to say. I just wrote this to get the word out. So go. Go now. Fill your mind with liberal propaganda.

SUPER BONUS COVERAGE!: I may have to agree with some of the analysis of AAR provided by none other than Something Awful (article here). In his commentary, Zack Parsons calls Randi Rhodes, one of the hosts of a show on AAR, some not too nice things. Well I've been listening to her for about an hour now and I have to say she is very very very annoying. She seems unable to let go of minor issues and that stupid accent of hers is starting to piss me off. So from what I've heard so far, I'm not all that impressed, but I will hold off judgement until I have heard The O'Franken Factor which I expect to kick ass. In the mean time, I'm still listening and I must make the following plea to God: Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, remove all noise making orifices from Rhodes' body. Some of the stuff she says I agree with, but she's saying it in ways that make me want Limbaugh to envelope her in one of his folds of fat, never to be seen again.

> KC 3:57 AM [108132463278667201]
> (0) comments

Feelin' groovy...

Today is a good day.

• I implemented my cunning plans to escape the dark lair of Satan (i.e. AP Lit), brandishing a hall pass like the crucifix itself and calling, "Back, Demon spawn! Release me from your damnéd grasp!" Blinded by the light of my permission slip, Satan stumbled back in agony, allowing me to make my escape. Then they took blood from me and gave me goldfish and cookies.
  
• I made an obscene amount of money for two hours of strolling, reading, making tea, and puzzling out third grade math problems (tricky stuff).
  
• Mmmm... nap.
  
• Tufts wants to bear my children

All of this is mitigated by the fact that the Tufts website is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

But I'm not complaining.

> Abby 10:20 PM [108061682670304835]
> (0) comments

Hee.

It's 1:52 a.m. Not that I have anything better to do.

> Abby 1:53 AM [108028403479340612]
> (0) comments

Yes, this is my super hot girlfriend. How have I managed to keep her with me for almost nine months now? It's a little something I like to call "THE PITTY ATTACK." When I get the feeling she's losing interest in me, I sink into a fake depression and threaten suicide. It works every time.

Some of you may not be as good at "THE PITTY ATTACK" as I am. To such people I say practice makes perfect. Try it on your disobedient dog first. Command it to sit. When it completely ignores you, begin crying uncontrollably and seemingly inconsolably. If you find you can't make yourself cry, try stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork. Assuming your dog has any sense of decency whatsoever, it will immediately sit down in front of you because of its overwhelming sense of guilt. Or perhaps it's just relaxing to enjoy the entertainment you provide flopping around on the floor as you slip on your own tears, much as you yourself park your lard-ass in front of the television for reruns of whatever TV show it is where people do something similar to that.

If you have any questions about "THE PITTY ATTACK," direct them to Branden and Chris. They have far more experience in it than I do.

> KC 8:51 PM [108000671531259399]
> (0) comments

Hmmmm. Keep this up and we may have to change our name to netsometimestheypostoknotthatofteners.

Moving on...

I have found a new way to do nothing and shoot penguins while I'm doing it. It's amazing how many games there are involving Total Penguin Destruction out on the Internet. And a few with just Mild Penguin Discomfort. And I will play them all.

Or you could try the cows.

> Abby 9:04 PM [107905704991512043]
> (0) comments

The Red Balloon is widely considered a work of art without equal. Actually, I could be making that up. I’ve never heard anyone say one way or the other whether they like the film. I’m just assuming someone out there enjoyed it because it has been shown in schools across the country roughly eight billion times. Or so I’m told. Again, I don’t really know. I don’t actually look these things up. I enjoy pulling big, juicy facts directly out of my ass and plopping them down right here on this webpage for everyone to marvel at. Don’t question my motivation; research is for the uncreative.

So, as I was saying, The Red Balloon was one totally bitchin’ flick. I was moved to tears when the balloon was ritualistically killed by samurai assassins at the end. It ranks right up there on the tear-jerker list with the moving death row scene in Old Yeller when the dog is put down via lethal injection for a murder he didn’t commit.

If you haven’t seen this action-packed drama before, let me give you a summary. There’s a boy. He finds a red balloon. The boy walks around with the balloon. Then, in a move hailed by art critics as an act of God, the boy proceeds to run with the balloon. To keep the audience from becoming over stimulated and to prevent seizures caused by sheer excitement, the boy goes back to walking around with the balloon. Then he starts talking to the balloon because the director was injecting himself with heroin and smoking two joints with his nostrils while on the set. A bunch of stuff no one really cares about happens and the balloon begins to stalk the boy all around France while remaining just out of his reach. Some more stuff happens and then everyone decides it would be a good idea to attack the boy repeatedly because, well, he’s always got that fucking red balloon and frankly it’s starting to piss people off. Long story short, the balloon gets popped and the boy looks really sad until something magical happens: a whole shit-load of balloons swarm around him, apparently angry he let their friend die. He decides the prudent course of action would be to grab a hold of the dozens of helium-filled balloons and ends up rocketing into the sky whereupon he presumably suffocates while in orbit above Earth.

Yes, a lovely movie to be sure. However, I still feel I should point out a few things the director goofed up on.

1. Balloons do not follow people.
2. Balloons do not travel in packs except when held by a vendor.
3. Balloons are not known to be cunning and rarely purposefully avoid being grabbed.
4. The actors spoke French or possibly gibberish. I’m not sure which.
5. The children wore disturbingly short shorts. This is immoral and also really dorky looking.
6. The boy kept having discussions with strangers and following them home. This sends the wrong message to our youngsters.
7. The director forgot to tell us what the fuck the point of the movie was.

Do I really need to have a meaningful conclusion for this? Probably, but I don’t care because I’m lazy. Yep, no motivational issues here.


> KC 8:46 PM [107905596156621316]
> (0) comments

It does not become because it is becoming, but it is in a state of becoming because it becomes.

Thank you, Socrates, for clearing that up.

Other Socratic conversational gems include:

If that which is holy is the same with that which is dear to God, and is loved because it is holy, then that which is dear to God would have been loved as being dear to God; but if that which dear to God is dear to him because loved by him, then that which is holy would have been holy because loved by him.

He has a beak, and long straight hair, and a beard which is ill grown.

As I perceive that you are lazy, I will myself endeavor to show you how you might instruct me in the nature of piety.

Ooooh, Euthyfro got owned.

Please to exert yourself.

Please to be speaking the English language. Wait, he was Greek. Nevermind.

To sum up:

B182bwb: if I was having a conversation with him... I'd freak out
plaidgonzo: if i was having a conversation with him, i'd freak out
plaidgonzo: cause i'd be dead
plaidgonzo: or on some very potent drugs
B182bwb: or you used a telephone booth
B182bwb: that can go through time
plaidgonzo: that wouldn't freak me out
plaidgonzo: that'd be hella tight

> Abby 8:15 PM [107896771570832713]
> (0) comments

So.

I was going to update. Really I was. Ages ago. Before the great KC madness spread o'er the web. And then blogger did it's best Gandalf/Dr. Smith imitation: "You Shall Not Pass!" The system forgot my password or something. And I couldn't be bothered to fix it. Until I did. Which was now. So now I'm posting.

Too bad I don't have anything to say.

I leave you to ponder this question, first posed to the world by Pinky and the Brain, the most brilliant show the WB was ever lucky enough to have grace it's lineup:

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep on doing it?

Think on it.

> Abby 7:58 PM [107888029882201490]
> (0) comments

[01:00] Dazi1881: KC stop making me laugh im to tired to laugh
[01:01] KC: i can't help it. i just bring the funny. you want the funny? you come to me. you can't find me? you can order the funny. ill rush deliver it. 1-3 business days not including holidays.
[01:03] Dazi1881: ok..that my friend was not funny
[01:03] Dazi1881: NIGHT
[01:03] *** Dazi1881 signed off at Sun Feb 29 01:03:22 2004.
[01:03] KC: shut down! OUCH!

Some would take rejection like the above hard. I, on the other hand, do not. Possibly because I am an android incapable of emotion and built for the sole purpose of eradicating the human race and possibly because I am a comedy God and therefore if you don't think I'm funny, you're going to the fiery pits of hell where Bob Jones and Pat Robertson will beat you with their Bibles until you pass out or agree to vote for George W. Bush in your next life.

Have you noticed that humor columnists and people who think they're funny use an inordinate amount of unnecessary vocabulary in order to beef up their word count and make sentences that really don?t serve a purpose seem hilariously funny just because of the sheer excess squeezed into the clause? For instance, the same thought is repeated over and over again throughout the course of a paragraph just so more loopy sentences can be manufactured with gratuitous, totally redundant phrases, disguising the fact that the author really doesn?t have a joke in mind.

Ad update: There are still no ads for pornography on netslackers. Instead, we have been burdened with marketing for hand dryers. You know, like the kind we've talked about several times on this very site. Oh wait, no we haven't. ("Experience a Lifetime of Savings with the most complete and affordable line of maintenance-free electric hand dryers." You know you want to get your hand on that SWEEEEEEET DR Series Model. I just quiver at the thought of having my hands dried by one of those beautiful monsters) Also, why, in Related Searches, does the term "Backstreet Boys Fan Fiction" sometimes appear? What have we done to piss Jesus and the Holy Ghost off so? Is there even an action that deserves a punishment so cruel?

Marvel at my god awful html skills.

In other news: Jumping out of window to win a bet is uncool. Just say no. However, jumping out of a window in order to win a bet and get an educator fired is totally awesome. Watch as teenage girls flock to your bedside at the hospital and worship you as the messiah for getting their geometry teacher suspended without pay. You would truly be the stud of your high school class and could finally distance yourself from those punks you used to hang out with in the Trench Coat Mafia.

Please note: I would like to bring your attention to the fact that there is now a post for the month of October, 2003 despite the fact that nothing was in fact written in October of 2003. Magic.

> KC 7:42 PM [107844734567385194]
> (0) comments

My how time flies when you're deranged and can't sleep!

I realize my last update left you on quite a cliffhanger. This was unfair and wrong of me. I personally dislike it when my favorite television adventures are interrupted by the words "To be continued" or my local news affiliate breaking in to announce that a tornado is headed in our general direction as long as "our general direction" means "three states to our west." As you all know by now, I was without heat and quickly dying of hypothermia. I'm sure you're all excited to know how this riveting ordeal concluded, but first, I must bring you an

Ad update: There are still no ads for pornography or videos of cops chasing down minority suspects posted above this message. We're all praying one day this site will be graced with their presence.

And now the conclusion of the heater story: I didn't die of hypothermia and I now have warm air.

THE END.

Also, here is a picture of a hat that looks like a cow and a picture of a man who will never get a date even if he pays for one. I hope you like them.

> KC 3:20 AM [107804281384770810]
> (0) comments

What?! You thought I'd give up on my quest to post once every hour so prematurely?! Clearly you have underestimated the power of my insomnia.

Clearly I have overestimated my ability to come up with something to write so often.

I did notice that, according to a post I made exactly a year and two days ago, Fred "Mr. Rogers" Rogers died exactly . . . a year and two days ago. As I write these words, I am sobbing uncontrollably and also looking up how to spell "uncontrollably" because I always get confused about what to do with the "e" that adverbs that end in "ly" normally have at the end when they aren't adverbs. Mr. Rogers was a great man.

Added super-value bonus special!: My heater is blowing cold air on me. Perhaps this would account for why I am not currently warm and toasty, two conditions the heater's box promised to deliver to me. A kind, benevolent God would not allow this to occur.

See you in 60 minutes!

> KC 2:17 AM [107803906199858256]
> (0) comments

Ok, so my new goal is to post something new EVERY HOUR FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

Now I've never gone back on my word and I always strive to attain my goals, so I either have to go through with this now or fake my own death and move to Honduras where I can start a new life in a country inhabited by citizens unaware I have made this promise.

My train of thought has derailed and is unlikely to be rerailed anytime in the near future so for now i will allow the train to continue chugging through the forests and various roads adjacent to the tracks until it hits a brick wall or a police blockade and explodes.

There are ads above this page. I'm sure you've all noticed them. Our host rips words from our posts and uses them to taylor ads to our site. For instance, the ads I'm looking at right now have to do with hotels in Rockville because someone wrote something about Rockville earlier on. These ads are boring. If we're going to have ads on our page and not reap the profits, we should at least have interesting ads. That's why I am now going to include a list of words that will hopefully make the ads entertaining: porn, porn, porn, action, adventure, porn, free money, the world's greatest police chases, mystery and intrigue.

I'll let you know if the results are positive.

> KC 1:21 AM [107803568210955212]
> (0) comments

The lazy man's way out of creating a new entry to avoid having his website labled dead is to post an instant message conversation. This also makes the poster a jerk, because no one likes reading online conversations. Nonetheless.

KC: i have run out of websites to look at
KC: what am i going to do?!
Branden: build your own?
KC: boooooooooring
KC: i need an exciting new webpage that will keep me engrossed for hours until i fall asleep from sheer exhaustion
Branden: big-moco.com
KC: i knew that would be your suggestion, so i crafted this carefully worded response in reply . . . let me just copy it over from ms word where i prepared it:
KC: no.
Branden: oh snapple
KC: indeed.

It wasn't even a very good conversation. Oh God, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you all, I swear! Here! I'll, uh, link to this amusing picture of something i don't understand.

HA! Wasn't that hilarious?! Please?

One day I will post something funny, and on that day, I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

> KC 12:25 AM [107803233624237485]
> (0) comments

Consider this a placeholder cause I'm a cheater.

> KC 11:31 PM [107560989023177656]
> (0) comments