> netslackers <

a death on the family
-- Friday, April 16, 2004 --

I regret to inform you all that dearly beloved netslackers writer Chris Mulligan was hit and killed by a three ton whale. According to doctors, he experienced little pain because he died in his sleep and wouldn't have been alive long enough after impact to feel anything anyway. The whale was dropped from an airplane, meaning it was falling at such a high rate of speed that the time between the moment the fat, blubbery underbelly of the overgrown fish touched a hair on his head to the moment it reached the pavement and began its journey to the center of the earth, was nearly instantaneous.

All mourners are welcome to the funeral. Shamu will perform the ceremony and direct the sea burial of the whale corpse.

Meanwhile, Chris's mushy remains have been purchased by the Motts company and packaged as strawberry applesauce.

Authorities have not yet reached a conclusion as to whether Chris or the whale was responsible for the deadly collision. The whale family maintains that Chris was drunk at the time of the accident and refused to get out of the way of their airborne son. "Had [Chris] not been pounding vodka and recklessly walking about in the mall parking lot," said the whale's father, "my son would still be with us today."

When the coroner pointed out that the whale was most likely killed by the force of gravity propelling it into the ground and not by the impact of Chris's body moving at approximately 0.0 mph vertically, the family laughed bitterly and called it a government conspiracy.

For Chris's sake, call President Bush and demand he stop dropping large mammals out of airplanes over populated civilian areas. If we all make an effort, we can make change.

Thank you.

> KC 3:35 PM [108214413530306896]
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