> netslackers <

-- Wednesday, December 03, 2003 --

Get your party hats out folks 'cause I'm back. Again. Have I used that line before?

So, today I smashed my car in and I did it in the exact spot I smashed my car in last year. There's something about yield signs that just doesn't get through to me.

It's strange that you can slam into someone’s car and not realize what you've done until 15 seconds later. My hand looks like it's been burned from the impact of the airbag against it. DAMN those things are fast. I didn't even really notice when it deployed until I looked in front of me and found it deflated like Michael Jackson's career against the steering wheel (please, comedy gods, forgive me this transgression).

The great thing about hitting trucks is that they are indestructible. The result is that the only car you have to pay for damages to is your own . . . though you’re lucky if you don’t find your engine in the passenger’s seat or lodged in your skull.

The guy I hit was nice enough. He didn’t get out and scream at me for being a mental fuckup. All he did was ask if I was all right and then give me driving tips. “Don’t look away from the road.” Ah, so that’s where it all went wrong.

I couldn’t help but notice someone was tailgating me as I drove home with the airbag in my lap, the front of the car smooshed in like Michael Jackson’s nose (har!) and the windows down so I wouldn’t have to breathe in all the powder that spilled out with the airbag. I nearly turned around and shouted, “BITCH! Does this really look like the kind of driver you want to be fucking with?” I should have slammed on the breaks to make the back match the front.

I’ve been in two accidents now. Here are my statistics:
Win-Loss record: 0-2
Fatalities: 0
Batting average/blood alcohol level at the time of the accidents: .000
Amount I, personally have paid for all the destruction: $0.00
Amount certain other family members have paid for all my destruction: Much more
Amount I’ll have to pay for car insurance in the not too distant future: HOLY FUCK!

And . . . I'm out. BOOYA!


> KC 7:09 PM [107049395612844434]
> (0) comments

special congratulatory post celebrating abby and kc's mastery of CAP. whee!

my passing present to myself is 6 hours of sleep. but only because it's a special occasion.

yay.

> Abby 11:22 PM [106869735822469711]
> (0) comments

There was no post for October. We all felt ashamed we went for a month without leaving a message on our beloved netslackers. Therefore, by unanimous decision (and by unanimous I of course mean just me), we have elected to award the month of October a post several months after October ended. October is reportedly thrilled to receive this honor and would love to be here to accept the award, but unfortunately it was unavailable tonight and is booked solid until.... well, October.

Happy Halloween from the future. (3/4/2004)

> KC 11:59 PM [107844954209096948]
> (0) comments

HOLY CRAP! KC "COUNT BEASTLY" COSTANZO UP IN THE HIZZZZOU!

All right, so it's been awhile . . . . again, but the important thing is I'm here now.

So I've been thinking of starting up my own chain of restaurant franchises. I'm interested in starting a waffle house or something along those lines . . . you know, breakfast food. I figure there aren't enough fast food places that do exclusively morning meals any time of the day.

Starting up a restaurant would give me a chance to employ the various Costanzos out there who are either unemployed or too lazy to find work. So not only would I be able to make money, I'd be helping out the family as well. And you know us Italians. Damn fine cooks. Even when it comes to, er, Belgian Waffles.

I'm thinking of calling it "International Waffles or Pancakes" . . . IWOP for short.

I'll be here all week.

BONUS CRAP: Look what I found! A history of discrimination against the people who discriminate against Italians! What a niche book. And in keeping with Italian pride, heres a hip-hop group made up entirely of wops. According to their site they play "UNIQUE BLAZIN' AMERICAN-ITALIAN HIP WOP." I haven't listened to any of their stuff, but they make me ashamed to share their ethnicity.

> KC 8:49 PM [106419178683032973]
> (0) comments

Why King Lear is Shakespeare's greatest comedy:

1. "Your eldest daughters have fordone themselves, and desperately are dead." 5.3.296-297 --That's pretty much what I want written on my tombstone: She fordid herself and is now desperately dead. How can you be nondesperately dead? Death seems pretty desperate.

2. Edgar: "Sweet marjoram!" 4.6.93

3. First Servant: Introduced for all of thirty seconds then stabbed to death. Best bit part ever.

4. Everybody dies. That's always hilarious.

Stay tuned for King Lear: the one act musical comedy.

> Abby 12:08 PM [106191411406302881]
> (0) comments

So, I've decided that netslackers should become a forum for shameless self-promotion.

Come see

CHICAGO

,

as done by Wildwood Summer Theatre at Quince Orchard High School on July 25 and 26 and August 1, 2, 8, and 9 at 8 o'clock pm or, should you wish, on August 3 at 2 o'clock pm.

I'll be on spotlight, Jessica Stamler is a Merry Murderess and Roxie's understudy, and there are a couple of other Blair people whom I don't think most of you know scattered about the production. So, drop by and worship at the altar of Fosse. It's a good show, and it's cheap (the more important thing). Bring a date. Bring ten dates. Have your dates bring dates, it's a big auditorium. Come or get kicked.

> Abby 10:42 AM [105888493762768111]
> (0) comments

Hmmmmm. Well, while we're examining the hideous travesty that is the Bush administration, I would just like to briefly highlight the stupidity of the official White House statement regarding the recent Supreme Court decision banning statewide criminalization of homosexual sexual acts:
"Well, I guess it's up to the states now."
No, it's not up to the states, you dumb shit, that's what the whole bloody decision means. When something goes to the Supreme Court that means the decision applies to everyone, not just the state who had the case in their jurisdiction. That's why it's called the friggin' Supreme Court, not the Mildly Influential Court, or the Sort-of Important Court, or the Court of Ambiguity, so I Guess You Don't Really Have to do What We Say. Supreme. As in almighty. As in big, badass Court of administering the holy ass-whooping to the assholes that dare defy it. The four states with laws against homosexuality have to strike those laws from the books because they're unconstitutional. Remember that, Bush? It's that ugly, yellow looking piece of paper with the big words on it that you don't understand written in funny handwriting that you can't read because YOU'RE DUMB! Why has nobody in the media picked up on this?

Also, everyone's all hot and bothered that this means that gay marriages will be legalized. First of all, the decision has nothing to do with gay marriage, so keep your trousers on. Second of all, who the fuck cares if people in love want to get married? It's none of Fred Phelp's or Rush Limbaugh's business if two people completely unrelated to them want to be together personally and legally. As far as the government is concerned, marriage is a civil union, not a religious one. And since it's a fundamentalist religious restriction that prevents gay marriages, they can't constitutionally recognize that limitation. Reform jews have no problem with gay marriage. Atheists don't care. I'm sure there are other religions that are totally ok with it. To me, homophobic worries over the demoralization of marriage by allowing gays to get married is the perfect example of Not My Problem. If you have an issue with gay people getting married, or buying a house, or getting jobs, whatever. That's your problem, not theirs. The homophobes are the ones causing the problems, not their targets. Homosexuals getting married doesn't devalue any one else's family or harm them in any way. The people bigots are prejudiced against shouldn't be punnished for their ignorance. Same thing for sexism and racism. You, Mr. Bush, are just intent on making it their problem because you're a bastard.

Now go kill small children while driving drunk, cause after all, there's no holy injunction against that, now is there?

> Abby 1:59 AM [105833519478528940]
> (0) comments

Holy shit! There haven't been updates in quite some time now. To the one or two dedicated fans netslackers has out there (read: scandalous j . . . a.k.a. Josh) we apologize for not adding new content. We know you’ve come to depend on our humble site for reading material and alas we have let you down. However, owing to the fact that it’s summer we do not in fact, to put it bluntly, “give a flying fuck.” And, as the name implies, no one is particularly dedicated to this so we really haven’t failed at all.

In closing, that entire paragraph should have been deleted before I posted this seeing as it contradicts itself at the end. Such is life.

At any rate, the real reason I’m posting is to ask our dedicated reader(s) to ponder the following: is it worse to lie to Congress, a pack of cheating, power hungry politicians, about receiving head from an astoundingly ugly intern who probably isn’t even a woman (or at the very least wasn’t born one) or is it worse to use evidence you know to be blatantly false in order to gain support for a war against a threat that isn’t so much imminent as it is non-existent? In other words, would it make more sense to impeach a man for having an affair or to impeach a man for thrusting his country into a battle because it’s politically advantageous?

Hmm. I know; that’s a toughy.

As I’m sure you all know, Bush lied to the very citizens he was “elected” to serve and it looks like he’s going to get away with it by blaming it on the CIA. Well Mr. President, some of us aren’t interested in seeing you get off that easy.

The documents Bush used as proof that Hussein was trying to mail-order weapons of mass destruction were forgeries and he knew it.

You used documents widely known in the intelligence community to be forged as proof that Hussein was trying to mail-order weapons of mass destruction all so you could make a case for a war we didn’t need in the first place. Not only did you use them, you were warned not to. The CIA made it clear in the past you shouldn’t use fabrications as evidence in your speeches. In fact, you even took their advice once. So why did it suddenly become all right later on to go ahead and insert made up facts into your address to the nation? Could you explain that one to me? Please?

And here’s the answer you’ve supplied us with: Because the British said it was true.

Well yes they did. But guess who set the record straight over on their little island. That’s right, the CIA. They explained to the English that no, the documents they were using to hand-feed the war to their own citizens were not in fact correct in the strictest sense of the word.

But our President didn’t care because he’s an American, goddamnit! And Americans can do whatever they damn well please, thank you very much.

And by the way . . . where did these forgeries come from? Hussein? Was the evil bad man from Iraq making up lies to destroy your career Mr. Bush? That’s the only logical explanation and clearly it’s yet another justification for war to add to the quickly growing and never-ending list.

One more interesting thing to point out: CIA Director George Tenet is sitting by as he gets slimed by the very administration he helped try to prevent from embarrassing itself. Sure Bush says he’s in Tenet’s corner, but he’ll find something else to blame him for in the coming months and Tenet will quickly find himself out of a job.

Oh well. You win some, you lose some, right? And sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, correct? Well in this case, the cracked eggshells look like the remains of Iraq and the turmoil you’ve unleashed on this country. And the omelet? Why, it’s your bid for another four years in office. So what if a few things have to go to hell in order for you reach your goal? The important thing is that you get the power you so richly deserve.

Ok, I lied, one more thing I need to show the readers:

The new disclosure suggests how eager the White House was in January to make Iraq's nuclear program a part of its case against Saddam Hussein even in the face of earlier objections by its own CIA director. It also appears to raise questions about the administration's explanation of how the faulty allegations were included in the State of the Union speech.
-The Washington Post

Wow. Looks like they’ve rediscovered the old liberal slant. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like seeing editorializing in a news article, but I have to admit, it’s nice to see our local paper assert its independence from the conservative propaganda machine once known as the news media.

All right, I think that makes up for at least a few missed updates. Maybe I’ll get some help at some point from the rest of the netslackers . . . (hint, hint, nudge, nudge).

------------------------

Edit: It looks like Maureen Dowd agrees with me . . .

------------------------

Update (7/14): According to the White House, it's a 'bunch of bull'

This revisionist notion that somehow this is now the core of why we went to war, a central issue in why we went to war, a fundamental underpinning of the president's decisions, is a bunch of bull.
-Ari Fleischer

Looks like Ari is getting a bit flustered. Let's hear it for the professionalism he exudes. Why does this man still have a job?



> KC 12:01 AM [105806890372795499]
> (0) comments

Hulk: The Incredible Conversation/Scathing Review

With your hosts Branden "B182bwb" Buehler and KC "KCNile" Costanzo

KCNile: went to see the hulk after that with my two of my friends and morgan
KCNile: my god did that movie suck
B182bwb: well, duh
KCNile: but. it was beyond bad. it was . . . . horrible. like a bad dream
B182bwb: just count the days 'till shaolin soccer
B182bwb: that will counter the crappiness of hulk
KCNile: er
KCNile: i dont think anything can counteract the shittyness of the hulk
KCNile: you couldn't actually see the big fight scene at the end because its almost completely black. im not even sure what the bad guy looked like at the end
KCNile: and there is no plot
B182bwb: but... did HULK SMASH
KCNile: yes. . . over and over and over again. id say the second half of the movie consisted primarily of hulk taking five mile leaps and then hitting a helicopter or tank and throwing it into a mountain side or something while everyone in the theater laughed
B182bwb: people laughed?
KCNile: yes. pretty much throughout the movie
KCNile: people would laugh whenever hulk did anything
B182bwb: because the people were stupid... or the movie was stupid
KCNile: the movie was stupid. for instance, at the end of the movie he explodes and everyone thinks hes dead. but it turns out he went to south america and became a medicine man for no reason at all.
B182bwb: really?
KCNile: and then someone steals his medicine and he says "you wouldn't like me when im angry" in spanish and the movie ends
KCNile: yes
KCNile: really
B182bwb: that's pretty bad
KCNile: no kidding
KCNile: one of the bad guys he fights is a mutant poodle
B182bwb: and people actually wrote the script?
B182bwb: not monkeys?
KCNile: im not sure exactly
KCNile: they tried really hard to make it look like a comic book so there were transitions every five seconds and split screens almost all the time. sometimes the split screens showed the same things only at slightly different angles
B182bwb: but comic books.... don't move
B182bwb: I read some review that talked about how great that was, and just thought, "wow, that would suck to watch"
KCNile: indeed it did
KCNile: it was really confusing. the first half of the movie is pretty much banner experimenting with stuff and then watching it explode. like, for instance, a frog.
B182bwb: that sounds cool
KCNile: probably the best scene in the movie
B182bwb: that's a better peak than some movies
B182bwb: how fake looking was the hulk?
KCNile: um, i dunno. he looked pretty fake but i dont know how much of that was the graphics or the fact that its hard to make a green giant look realistic
B182bwb: well, as long he wasn't jolly
KCNile: the thing that didnt make sense was that he could jump like a mile into the air and a mile far. doesnt really work even given his proportions.
B182bwb: but... he's the hulk
B182bwb: he can do whatever he wants
B182bwb: because he's mad
B182bwb: and anger is cool
KCNile: right. forgot about that
KCNile: i wasnt really sure if we were supposed to like him or not. he kept killing people
B182bwb: that was an attempt to make you feel "conflicted"
B182bwb: and it was supposed to make you go "that was a thought-provoking movie"
KCNile: indeed. i had many thoughts after the movie such as "why was the hulk such a jack ass?" and "did i really just spend more than two hours in that theater?"
B182bwb: so, it was thought-provoking
B182bwb: so, it was thus worth your money and time
KCNile: i . . . i never looked at it that way
B182bwb: you are not a qualified movie-goer
KCNile: i guess you're right. thank god we have abby. surely she knows how to watch a movie properly
B182bwb: yes, thank goodness
B182bwb: she will surely praise the movie for all of it's worth
KCNile: yes. . . i dont doubt that she will.

> KC 9:52 PM [105633312816640716]
> (0) comments

God hates America. Well, at least according to the freak who runs godhatesamerica.com. I asked him if his site was just a big joke and if I was reading too far into it. Here's what he told me.

From: "God Hates America"
To: "'Keith Costanzo'"
Subject: RE: hi
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 08:20:00 -0500

If it was His will to let this nation grow powerful, arrogant, prideful and pompous, then yes He would, and has.  You obviously don't know much about the Bible, otherwise you wouldn't ask such an obvious question.  God raised up Pharaoh for the express purpose of showing His power through Pharaoh's destruction during the Exodus of the Israelites.  He raised up Babylon for the express purpose of showing His wrath agains Israel (a strong, militarily mighty and wealthy nation at the time).  God does with His creation what He pleases.
 
Thank you for visiting www.godhatesamerica.com.  Please visit our sister site, www.godhatesfags.com, and for an interesting view into Westboro Baptist Church, visit www.fredthemovie.com.

There you have it folks. A well thought out justification for why God hates America. Clearly after such amazing argumentation, I was forced to agree . . . or at least smile and nod. But after reading his email, I had to ask him why God wasn't a fan of homosexuals either.

From: "God Hates America"
To: "'Keith Costanzo'"
Subject: RE: hi continued
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 08:20:35 -0500

It isn't a joke, and have a nice time on your way to hell.

Thus began the start of a long, beautiful relationship.

> KC 8:18 AM [105516113727208089]
> (0) comments

I stumbled upon some old documents on my computer. Among them was one labled simply "ideas." In it I found the following (the text has been unedited): "Keep Your Helmet on Your Head."

There you have it folks. Next time you tell your child or younger brother to stick a helmet on when they're riding around the neighborhood, tell them to do it if not for themselves, then for KC Costanzo.

On a completely different note: I consider myself an aficionado when it comes to the word "dude." It's sad that I use this word but I like to think that it serves as a reminder, in case you should forget, that I am, in fact, one of the whitest men in America and as such, you should probably stand at least 12 feet away if you ever find yourself conversing with me to make sure you don't catch my ultra-white cooties. Below I've listed the various ways in which the word "dude" can be used in a sentence. It's almost as diverse a word as the ever popular f-word (I'm talking about "Fuck" but I'm not using it in case it offends anyone).

"Dude." - "Hey, look over here."
"Dude . . ." - "You're wrong and here's why."
"DUDE." - "That's really stupid."
"Dude!" - "That's really cool."
"dude." - "I'm tired, leave me alone."
"dUdE." - "That's really stupid, but I'm tired so leave me alone."
"dUDE." - "Hello, I am going through puberty."
"Dood." - "I am the typical American teenager who can't speak English."
"Dude.com" - "This is my witty Information-Age take on a popular saying."

"Dude" is a word appropriate for all conversations and settings as far as I'm concerned . . . . well, approriate in all cases except one. The word "dude" and the question "Where's my car?" should never be placed together as doing such opens up an intellectual void capable of sucking up all sentient life for miles. You have been warned, Hollywood. A sequel could mean the destruction of this entire nation.

Note: This list may be incorrect and should not be taken as the definitive grammatical authority on the word "dude."

> KC 2:04 AM [105384264150218322]
> (0) comments

I'll think about updating this later, but for now, draw your own conclusions on today's topic.

Sports that may never make it

Solo Synchronized Swimming
One-on-One Ultimate Frisbee
Four-a-Side Ping Pong
Full Contact Bowling
Touch Boxing
Outdoor Summer Ice Hockey
Roller Derby on Ice
Curling


> KC 6:44 PM [105364346834785942]
> (0) comments

Today I thought I'd show people the proper way to express amusement over the Internet.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT write "LOL." It's spells "lahl" and has absolutely no meaning. In addition, never write "ROFL" or "LMAO." These are not words in the English dictionary (though "LMAO" looks like something you'd get if a Hispanic married a Chinese dictator and "ROFL" is probably something Scooby would say when eating at IHOP).

Instead of using these lowbrow, everyday initials, use one of the following:

heh -- This is my personal favorite. When you read the word out loud, it sounds somewhat like a real laugh. This is good, especially if your friends are the types that have to hear themselves speak in order to read and sound out words.

hahaha -- This is perfect if you are trying to make it clear that the joke your buddy has just told you on AIM is HIIIILARIOUS and not merely hilarious.

MWUHAHAHA (alternately MWAHAHAHA) -- Are you a major force of evil striving for recognition of your status? Than this one is for you! Type up your sinister plans and punctuate your conclusion with one of these babies.

Well, that's all I've got. Now it's time to do the same thing I do every night . . . try to take over the world! MWUHAHAHAHA! (Note the extra "ha" for added effect)


> KC 7:56 PM [105347501063372417]
> (0) comments

My God! I finally wrote another article for Silver Chips Online! It's your lucky day!

So, here it is, my Matrix Reloaded review:

Reloaded rewrites sci-fi

It finally made it to theaters. The movie sci-fi nerds waited impatiently to plug into. The movie sophisticated snobs eagerly awaited because they wanted to catch glimpses of philosophical truths. The movie teenage girls held their breath for because a romantic love story (and some sketchy freak dancing) was reportedly part of the plot. And the movie the average Joe couldn't order tickets to fast enough just so he'd have an excuse to take his girlfriend into a darkened room. After a year of hype, finally it made it to theaters.

Whatever your reasons for going to see The Matrix Reloaded, you'll probably find what you want. Jam-packed with special effects that made jaws flop around on the floor like epileptic fish out of water and complimented by a plot that left even the most in-the-know audience members asking, “What just happened here?", you either walked away completely mesmerized, completely confused, or completely ready to dump the friends who dragged you along to see the movie.

The Matrix Reloaded is of course the first of two anxiously awaited sequels to the blockbuster hit from 1999. The movie centers around Neo (Keanu Reeves), the prophesied savior of mankind, and the people of Zion, the last human city, as they make preparations to head off an attack by machines bent on wiping out everyone who disconnects from the virtual world they built to keep humans in check.

The opening 60 minutes of the movie caused some people to wonder just what the Wachowski brothers, the enigmatic duo who wrote and directed the trilogy, thought they were doing. For instance, why was it necessary to have a sex scene that was at least five minutes long and interspersed with shots of the citizens of Zion getting down themselves in what is essentially a giant mosh pit?

Unfortunately, I can't answer that question and neither can I answer why Neo has to fight everyone he encounters instead of, say, using his powers of flight to avoid using his fists altogether.

It's true. If you were to watch only the first half of this movie, you'd be disappointed. Sure there are some amazing graphics and action sequences during that first hour, but the plot seems to be almost nonexistent. Neo is confronted by literally hundreds of bad guys and there never seems to be a reason why the encounters have to happen at the precise moments they do. It's almost as if the evil powers that be got bored and decided that, seeing as it was a lovely day outside, it might be nice to go find some people to beat up.

Grit your teeth and bear it because if you can tough out the opening, you're in for a treat.

First and foremost, there are the stunning visual effects that just might cause a few heads to spontaneously combust, so be careful and bring a bucket so you won't have to keep your brain in your lap. Reloaded features what could be the greatest car chase scene ever. The Wachowski brothers go full throttle with the eye candy on a freeway toward the end of the movie. The characters battle on top of trucks, smash and fly through cars, execute acrobatic leaps from motorcycles and even do a little bit of driving.

The special effects are an integral part of some of the new characters. Take for instance the Twins, an freakish pair of albino computer thugs with white, dreadlocked hair and white, shiny suits. The two, played by Neil and Adrian Rayment, periodically show up to carry our dirty work, often transforming into translucent, green-glowing apparitions that can float through walls and other objects. The agents, programs in the matrix meant to keep the system in order, also have a fair number of stunts.

Most of the characters that lived through the first movie take part in the action once again. Laurence Fishburne, who portrays the spiritual captain, Morpheus, and Carrie-Anne Moss, who plays Neo's high-kicking girlfriend, Trinity, both return for the good guys.

Fishburne is without a doubt the best actor of the returning trio from the Nebuchadnezzar (the Wachowski brothers' answer to George Lucas's Millenium Falcon). He makes it clear there's depth behind those black hole-like glasses he wears. And while the speech he delivers to the masses underground is far from the most stirring monologue ever written, he executes it admirably with all the emphasis and emotion of a televangelist except without asking for donations and without condemning his audience to eternal hellfire.

Fishburne is definitely one of the highlights of the film as far as acting is concerned, but his competition from the actors who portray characters on his side of the good/evil rift, is less than fierce. For instance, it's not hard to outperform Keanu Reeves. After all, this is the same guy whose career got jump-started when he landed the roll of Ted in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and whose southern accent in Devil's Advocate was about as consistent as Cher's hair color. Still, with that said, Reeves didn't detract from the film and even worked some intensity into his lines.

Of all the actors, Hugo Weaving delivers the most memorable performance. That's partially because he's playing the biggest, baddest villain since Darth Vader, but more importantly, he was perfectly cast for the part. Weaving's character, Agent Smith, is a renegade program in the matrix that's looking to get his revenge on Neo after their encounter in the first film. Weaving has some one-liners that compliment his character's personality perfectly and his exaggerated tone of voice and facial expressions make the crowd both chuckle and cringe. Couple his funny talk with the epic battles he and his clones engage in with Neo and you've got a great character.

All in all, this is by far the best film so far this year and it's only the setup for The Matrix Revolutions coming out in November. It's not for young kids both because of the massive doses of violence doled out and because of the sexual content, but if you're a teenager or older, go see it and keep an eye out for sneak preview of the next episode after the credits.


> KC 7:45 PM [105330150905614644]
> (0) comments

well, its been a while since i last posted. So here we go with another EXCITING UPDATE!

I just finished watching another one of those goddamn VH1 specials. I realize now that i have all these repressed memories of the late 80's/early 90's, and only through VH1 can i completely understand myself. Actually, considering that i had no real experience with pop culture until probably 1993 (at 8 years old...I heard 2pac on the radio going to Drew..snff) all these repressed memories are probably just being implanted in my brain by VH1. I mean, there's no way in hell i listened to Skid Row when they first came out, so why do i think it's old school to listen to them now? It doesn't bring back any real memories. Now ninja turtles. That's a different story. They should have their own channel.

> Anonymous 12:31 PM [105284347084839097]
> (0) comments

GODAMNITALLTOHELL!

I spent the better part of a long time writing up a post I personally thought was hysterically funny only to delete it in a freak accident that was either the result of an error that causes the words in the submission box to disappear when you tap the escape key or the result of God getting back at me for all those terrible things my friend said about him in the National Cathedral. If it was divine intervention, then God, I promise you, I will have my revenge on you. If it wasn't you, God, then I appologize and send my regards to Jesus or Buddah or whatever.

> KC 9:41 PM [105244449841889133]
> (0) comments

Grrr...

You know what I hate more than anything?! I hate anal retentive people who have nothing better to do than to go on Chips Online and correct typos in my stories! ::cough:: Chris ::cough::

On a different note, AP's stink like fermented manure. And what does "concantenation" mean?

> Abby 7:38 PM [105226431716156619]
> (0) comments

HEY HEY HEY!!! its ben silsbee! And i'm coming at you each and every week only on Netslackers! The best jokes! The worst pictures! Somewhat interesting anecdotes! And thanks to the power of the magical invention known as the Internet, you can be privy to it in your own home!

whats up guys. this'll be interesting to say the least. I'll see what i can do about the funniness content of my entries. Ok here's one. We were at CD/Game exchange yesterday, when Dan Curl bought an MC Hammer single (Can't touch this). At the register, the guy gave DAN a dime, and thanked him for "removing that filth from his store" (not a real quote, but close).

> Anonymous 8:45 PM [105209552194926013]
> (0) comments

In the previous update, Chris unveiled a riveting story of cunning and bravery in the face of the faults of mankind.

I was glued to my seat. It's a true page-turner . . . except without pages . . . or turning.

Chris, have your people call mine. Let's do lunch. I want the movie rights to this blockbuster in the making.

You want your name in neon letters? A star in Hollywood? I'll get you there, babe (yes, I just called you "babe." You can punch me later).

This is going to be the biggest hit in theaters next year. We'll spend a week, maybe two, whipping up a script. We could start by providing the "Grandma" character with a love interest and adding action sequences (I envision a shark or maybe a rabid monkey living in the trunk and attacking your brother). Then we can begin casting.

How about this? Keanu Reeves as the enigmatic father, Martin Lawrence as the grandma (he was terrific in Big Mama’s House), the Olsen twins as the Mulligan brothers (we’ll just slap mustaches on them or something), and Christopher Walken as the evil AAA mob boss.

I’ve got the papers ready. All I need is your signature and three million dollars to get started.

It’s history in the making I tell you!

> KC 7:08 PM [93428164]
> (0) comments

"Go home and die."

Bush gave a State of the Union address a while ago and now it's been deciphered. So that's what he meant.

There's also an animated version.

Other links to check out
-CurveBall: It's pong in 3D. I've seen several versions of this, but this is the only one that's any good (meaning it's the only version I've found where I can score any points).



-HoldTheButton: The dumbest game . . . ever. You'll see what I mean.

-Saddam Rap (need RealPlayer): I found this a while ago but never posted it. It's a parody of Gangsta's Paradise thought to be backed by the CIA. I'm really ashamed to say this came from the US of A. I mean for God's sake . . . we couldn't find a real rapper to write lyrics and rap for this parody?! Here's a small tidbit: "My days are finished and I will die - all I need is chilli fries." Wow. And you thought Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer were as bad as it could get (scroll threw that link . . .they're both there).

In other news: The NFL Draft was today. Apparently someone forgot to tell the Vikings about the time limit to pick a player. They went down two picks because no one got off their ass from the team to tell the commissioner who they were selecting. Good job.

Wondering what happened to the parody updates? Well, um, I haven't gotten around to it. I'll let you know though. Maybe.


> KC 2:26 AM [93332236]
> (0) comments

Today I thought I'd explore the terrifying world of parodies.

If you've ever logged onto the Internet, no doubt you've stumbled upon more than your fair share of parodies. You forward them to your friends who in turn forward them to their friends who in turn forward them back to you. By about the eighth time you've received that hi-larious link to a picture of President Bush in a "PlasterCard" ad with a caption that reads something like, "Having a dad that used to be President -- Priceless," you're about ready to hurl the nearest heavy and preferably breakable item at the monitor. Yes, it was funny. But it doesn't quite have the same appeal once your inbox is filled with messages titled, "Re: LOL!!!!11 Funny Picture of 'President' Bush!!!"

With this in mind, I'd like to bring a few "fresh" parodies to the table. Note: I'd also like to point out that I realize I'm typing a lot of text in "quotes." This is to make my writing appear more "sophisticated."

I must warn you, these parodies are not remotely funny. They're all stupefying obvious and/or badly executed. Over the next several days, weeks, or months (depending on how often I update) I'll hook you, the reader, up with horrible puns and tasteless jokes that some how pass for parodies on the Internet. So fasten your seatbelts because you're in for a very unpleasant ride.

Case Study 1: Ghettopoly
It was bound to happen eventually. In fact, I'm not sure it hasn't been done before. I'm talking about a Monopoly game board featuring the various highlights of the ghetto rather than of the corporate world. That's right, now instead of buying Boardwalk you can purchase Ling Ling's Massage Parlour or Smitty's XXX Peepshow. Ghettopoly is endorsed by popular entertainer "Rusta Rhyme" (you know, Rusta Rhyme, Busta Rhyme's semi-retarded younger brother) who informs us "da game is ill." Unfortunately, the game can accommodate only "2 to 7 Playas" so don't have your whole posse over on a Friday night to play because there simply won't be enough game pieces.



Here, word for word and typos intact, is how Ghettopoly.com describes the game:

Buying stolen properties, pimpin hoes, building crack houses and projects, paying protection fees and getting car jacked are some of the elements of the game. Not dope enough?...If you don't have the money that you own to the loan shark you might just land yourself in da Emergency Room.

That's right folks, if you fail to pay off your fake debts with fake money, especially if you "own" a lot to someone, you just might end up in the intensive care unit of your local hospital.

Contents: Game Board, Loan Shark Tray, 40 Crack Houses, 17 Projects, Pink Slip Cards, Ghetto Stash and Hustle Cards, 7 Game pieces (Pimp, Hoe, 40 oz, Machine Gun, Marijuana Leaf, Basket Ball and Crack), Counterfeit Money, and 2 Dice.

What? You didn't know basket ball was two words? It amazes me how ignorant today's youth is. Oh, and, excuse me, but I believe The Onion once pointed out that the politically correct term is "crack home."

Well, that's all for now. If you've found a horrible parody on the Internet and you feel the men and women of the world have a right to know about it so they can studiously avoid all links leading to said parody, let us know.


> KC 2:00 AM [92823513]
> (0) comments

Time for another edition of . . .

Random Links

First off, we have a clone of the old helicopter game. This one (How Far Can You Go?) is done in Flash and the graphics are a touch better. I played it for about ten minutes and so far my high score is 1073. Drop a line if you beat it.



And today's second and last link of the day is b3ta.com. It's British so you might encounter funny spelling and strange expressions that we don't have in our language (Americanish). At any rate, it's some sort of community that exists via message board. The people who run the site harvest the various Photoshop images from the board and stick the best ones up on the front page. There are some pretty funny pictures and others are just interesting. It's pretty much the English SomethingAwful.com.

They recently hosted a competition featuring bad super heros. Here are a couple of the results:


I'm too lazy to write more, but expect a few more updates during the week.

> KC 12:35 AM [92515514]
> (0) comments

Here it is . . . the championship preview.

Silver Chips Online NCAA championship breakdown

Kansas (30-7) vs. Syracuse (29-5)
Tip-off 9:18 pm on CBS

The trends
If you look at Duke’s performance in the Sweet 16 recently, Kansas should lose this game. It seems like apples and oranges, but look at the facts. Since 2000, each time Duke has lost in the NCAA Tournament, the team that beat it has gone on to play in the championship game. In this case it’s Kansas. The last two times, however, the team that knocked Duke off has itself fallen in the championship game (Florida lost to Michigan St. in 2000 and Indiana lost to Maryland in 2002). That’s just coincidence, but the fact that Kansas coach Roy Williams finally beat Duke means more. He was 0-3 against the Blue Devils in the Tournament and one of those losses included his only other trip to the title game.

Syracuse also has a few trends it needs to buck. Like Williams, Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim has never won it all. He’s been coaching for 27 years and been to the final game twice, but came up short both times. The first time Boeheim led the Orangemen to the championship game, it happened to be in New Orleans, the site of this year’s championship. Syracuse came up with one point less than Indiana that year and went home without the trophy.
__________________________________

SCOop on Kansas
Kansas obliterated Marquette in the Final Four on Saturday. The game was so lopsided that the Jayhawks were up by 40 briefly and went on to win by 33. Marquette had previously pounded tournament-favorite Kentucky and looked to be on a role. Kansas put an end to that notion early and squashed all attempts at a comeback. Even Golden Eagles star Dwyane Wade had trouble coming up with an answer for the tough Kansas defense.

Sophomore Aaron Miles had 18 points, double his scoring average and two points less than his season high. His big performance spells good things for the Kansas offense – as if it needed the help. Nick Collison, perhaps the Jayhawks’ best player, had just 12 points but ripped 15 rebounds out of the air and Keith Langford had his biggest tournament game to date with 23 points on 11 for 14 shooting. Kirk Heinrich chipped in with 18 points of his own.

Overall: An explosive offense coupled with the great senior leadership makes the Jayhawks a tough out.
__________________________________

SCOop on Syracuse
Syracuse may not have pounded its opponent, but it still came away with a convincing win over a number one seed. Though the Orangemen failed to take away the passing lanes for T.J. Ford (he had a season high 13 assists) they did take away his scoring options. He had just eight shots and converted only three of them for 12 points.

The Syracuse players did indeed have the breakout games discussed in the Final Four breakdown. Carmelo Anthony, as expected, led the way with a career high 33 points and a tournament high 14 rebounds. He seemed to score at will, making head fakes that threw his defenders off and afforded him wide open looks at the basket. Another freshman, Gerry McNamara, scored 19 points and went 3 for 8 from beyond the arc, including one amazing shot with a hand in his face. Hakim Warrick also came up with his tournament best in points with 18 and nabbed 7 rebounds.

Overall: Syracuse has a legitimate shot at the title this year if it can get at least an average performance out of Anthony and one or two other players step up again.
__________________________________

Best guess
You can’t say it enough: Senior leadership wins championships. Michigan State had Mateen Cleaves in 2000, Duke had Shane Battier in 2001, and Maryland had Juan Dixon in 2002. And Kansas? They’ve got Collison and Heinrich. We’ve picked the Jayhawks to lose twice now and would have picked them to go out three times had we done an Elite Eight preview. We’ve finally come to our senses after the Jayhawks notified the world it would be taking New Orleans by storm against Marquette. Sure Syracuse can still win it, but when you have to rely on as many freshmen as Boeheim does, you’re going to have to contend with some butterflies during the game. The Orangemen can’t afford to be queasy because, as the Jayhawks have show us, Kansas is capable of getting the knockout punch early.


> KC 9:18 PM [92187820]
> (0) comments

And then there was nothing

Yeah, unfortunately, the cable company caught on, and we're back to a gazillion channels of HBO, but no more Arabic Art Channel. *sniff* Oh well, I still get some stuff, like Turner Classic Movies that we didn't get before. And I still have Space Cadet Pinball, which is threatening to take over my life.

Come see West Side Story.............

> Abby 11:24 PM [91959963]
> (0) comments

The Return of the Dead-i

I'm baaaaack....

Ok, so life's been busy, what with West Side Story (which rocks the world and it's socks, by the way), swim, homework, and getting thoroughly rained on at peace protests. But now, there is news so exciting, that it must be shared with the world.

I have high-speed internet access.

Whee!

Not only do I have high-speed internet access (which is a good thing, because previously my computer ran at approximately the speed of a slug on ritalin), but I also have windows xp, a dvd player and cd burner on my computer, and 3D Space Cadet Pinball! 3D SPACE CADET PINBALL! How the fuck did I ever live without it?

But wait, folks, there's more.

The computer package comes with a tv upgrade. Now, normally this would just mean all of our channels would get switched around and we'd get a spiffy new remote control. The upgrade also comes with 3 free months of like a bazillion hbo channels. Now, normally, this is more inconvinient then exciting. But the installation guy was a little rushed, and screwed up. So now we have a bazillion free channels of hbo, and FULL DIGITAL FUCKING CABLE for 3 months. This includes every channel ever invented and few that were hovering around in other dimensions. So now, I get to watch all of those movies that I couldn't before, and, of course, I also have access to the Arabic Art Channel. Just like every well-stocked home of the new millenium should.

So I broke in the new equipment by watching Max Keeble's Big Move commercial free. Man, is that some quality cinema, or what.

So, yeah, basically my life is complete. This totally makes up for the fact that we had diet pasta for dinner tonight (you wouldn't think it was possible. You would be wrong).

Oh yeah, come see West Side Story. This friday and saturday (april 4 and 5) at 7:30 in the auditorium. We sold out last weekend, so come early. Bring friends. Bring family. Bring your pet gerbil.

> Abby 7:34 PM [91805864]
> (0) comments

I don't have much time to post tonight, but I thought I'd say we should all have this onion.com graphic on our websites:



Oh, and I don't think this is far from happening.

In other news: It's Prime Time -- The US led Allied Coalition for or Against Some Vague Objective (or whetever the hell we're calling ourselves these days) now has a secret weapon the likes of which the world has never seen except on Saturday morning cartoons. Yes, Optimus Prime is fighting on our side.



> KC 9:44 PM [91680512]
> (0) comments

Woah, no updates in a while . . . well unless you count Branden's post last night that said, and I quote, "THE MARYLAND GAME OWNED!!!!!!" Yes, I deleted it.

KCNile: ill leave it up if you just add a few coherent sentences after it
B182bwb: too much work

A few things have happened since I last left a message. First of all, the United States has pretty much put the smackdown on Baghdad. To use a metaphor (a comparison between two things that are more or less completely unrelated; people who write thick books with titles like The Day World Stopped Spinning because it was Dizzy like to use them), this war is essentially between a used and abused action figure with threatening karate-chop action capabilities (Iraq) and a two-year-old toddler who enjoys shoving things in his mouth before dropping them on the floor (USA). Don't see the connection? Don't worry, you wouldn't be the first to misinterpret my genius as stupidity. Anyway, they might have gotten Saddam, but then again it could just be one of his body-doubles. In the meantime, Baghdad has been reduced to rubble and I'm sure I don't want to know what the casualties are like on the Iraqi side, civilian or otherwise.

I haven't really written about any events that directly involve me except for sporadic Silver Chips updates and for the most part that's the way I'm going to leave it. I figured the following warranted an exception:

We had a walkout on Thursday to protest the war and you couldn't have asked for a nicer day. All that rain and the bitter cold sure made the marching fun especially in shorts and a t-shirt. I did find a jacket in my car, but I was the only kid out there without at least a pair of jeans on. It really wasn't so bad once my legs had lost all feeling and turned the color of Tinky Winky. After we did a bunch of disorganized laps around the school, most people left.



Those that hung around were all supposedly going to a protest consisting of MCPS students meeting at Judiciary Square. I had a car so I shuttled two groups of kids to the subway station and eventually got on myself. I reached the Metro stop around 3:40 and saw about eight kids waiting around. It took us some time to figure out that the rest of the group had congregated at the other exit and by the time we made this discovery, there were only four or five of us left. In total we numbered somewhere around 75 and sadly few kids from Blair were there and some of them left before we even got moving.

We spent the first hour or so walking aimlessly around in a tight circle mumbling various hackneyed chants and occasionally people would hit their "drums" (more often than not these were buckets) loudly for no apparent reason. The protestors beat their buckets with such precision and in such unison that they might have even rivaled the conformity of a synchronized swimming team whose members consist of turrets syndrome patients high on crack cocaine. The circle we walked in was maybe a little larger than, say, your average family room. It was a pretty pitiful sight.

When we finally got going though, it turned out to be well worth the wait. We were a small group but we attracted the attention of no less than five police cars of various makes and models that followed us the entire time except for the few times we somehow managed to lose them. Honks rained down on us and everytime one was directed at us, we cheered . . . whether they were honking to support us or simply to grab our attention so they could flick us off.

We ended up meeting with a much larger group of adults at Dupont Cirlce at which point some of my long-lost friends showed up. Yes, two of them write on this blog (Chris and if you still consider her a contributor to this site, Maya). Maya had told me she'd meet up with me at the subway station and Chris and the rest were all supposed to have been there much earlier too. Instead they were lazy and sat at home eating food. Guilt tripping is quite possibly the greatest of the American pastimes, just ahead of baseball and fast food bingeing.

The final leg of the trip was a march down to the White House where we stood and shouted at pretty much no one except for a few cameras, the line of police motorcyclists to our left making sure we didn't spill onto the other side of the road, and the guards standing behind the barrier cracking jokes. It was 7:30 when we left meaning I was outside in the rain walking pretty much non-stop for about six and a half hours.

All I can say is the world damn well better have been watching us on the fucking TV because I missed the NCAA Tournament for this shit.

In other news: Speaking of the Tourney, my bracket is shot to hell. I'm on a two year skid now after being in the 98th percentile back in 2001. At any rate, there have been a bunch of good games. Here's the rundown of how the ACC teams have faired: NC State went into OT before losing to Cal, Drew Nicholas hit a last second three to save the Terps from an upset at the hands of UNC Wilmington, Wake Forest nearly got knocked off by East Tennessee State in a nail-biter, and Duke got a scare from Colorado State.

There were also a bunch of great individual performances I'd talk about if only I weren't tired of writing.

Duke plays again tonight against Central Michigan. The Blue Devils have pretty much had a cake walk to the Sweet 16. We'll see if they can do any damage after that.


> KC 2:51 PM [91191103]
> (0) comments

It looks like the war might clash with the NCAA Tourney.

Apparently something spooked NCAA President Myles Brand after he talked to our old friend Tom Ridge because he's considering rescheduling the tournament. He seemed a little wishy-washy on the matter and it looks like there won't be a final decision any time tonight. He talked a little about needing to show respect for "the men and women in uniform" (how postponing games does this is unclear) and about keeping the fans safe. There doesn't seem to be much to the story right now, the title pretty much tells you everything you need to know.

In other news: A crazed tobacco farmer cranked up the volume of his military exercise cadence recordings and took his tractor for a dip in a pond near the Washington Monument. The farmer and his tractor are reportedly still in the water in a standoff with police. I struggled to come up with something funny to say about this situation, but this man is an obvious threat to our national security and as such cannot be taken lightly. Obviously this situation takes precedence over the war in Iraq and it's clear Bush must bring military action against the tobacco industry and the South --- a preemptive strike if you will. If we don't act now to stop the tobacco farming menace, our nation's tractors and ponds could be in jeopardy. God speed, Mr. President.

> KC 12:54 AM [90906132]
> (0) comments

March Madness and the West Bracket of Death

Wow. What a week of college basketball. Duke picked up it's fifth straight ACC title by coming back from 15 down to beat NC State in a rematch of last year's championship.

Of course, after that Duke got screwed. They got placed as a number three seed in the West Bracket (aka: the Bracket of Death). Not only is the West packed with competitive teams (Arizona, Kansas, and Illinois to name a few), Duke should have been a number two seed. Who gets it instead? Wake Forest, the same team that lost in the semifinals of the ACC Tournament. It's complete bull shit.

There are a few other problems with the bracket, but I don't want to sit here and type the whole thing out so I'll just mention that some deserving bubble teams (Boston College and Texas Tech) got left out and BYU is scheduled to play on a Sunday if it somehow gets to the Sweet 16 (a problem because the school's religious practices prohibit them from playing on Sundays). In short, the selection committee was on crack when it made up the field of 65.

In other news: There's also some war thing going on in some country across the ocean. I think the US may somehow be involved. But who cares, this is college basketball season, right?

I actually read a post on the ESPN college basketball message board wherein the writer actually said he doesn't care about the war in Iraq because a) it doesn't involve him in any way and b) he doesn't live in a city that will be targeted for retaliation. Yes, this guy lives in the United States and he doesn't give a damn that we're about to go to war. Today's youth isn't stupid, it's just ignorant --- OK, so maybe a little bit of both.

By the way, what is wrong with this freak who was photographed and placed in the MSNBC story I linked to? What kind of warped human being smiles when someone gets on TV and says that the nation the viewer is currently sitting in watching the news is going to attack the country he's from and probably has family in? Oh, wait, that's one of those flat-screen wall TVs he's got hanging there isn't it? No wonder! He's rich!

> KC 11:31 PM [90901872]
> (0) comments

Colin Powell was on TV earlier. He said something along the following lines: the United States has a great track record over the last 60 years of leaving countries better off than we found them. Apparently Powell didn't get the same US history education the rest of us got.

I was looking for something to link to related to Colin Powell, preferably a political cartoon or something along those lines. I searched for “Colin Powell comic” and somehow wound up with an article entitled, "Colin Powell, Pod Person?” I delved into the article and not only does the piece have a liberal slant to it (ok, it’s more of a horizontal arrow pointing left), it's funny too. The guy who wrote it, Alan Bisbort, brings up a bunch of evidence supporting his assertion that Powell has transformed into a warmongering Bush-lackey. It’s definitely worth a look if you have the time.

And now, without further adieu, I present the

Silver Chips Online ACC Tournament Preview Part II

Second Round
#1 Wake Forest vs. #4 NC State – Wake Forest is long overdue for an upset. This match-up should change that. Wake Forest ended the regular season with a six game win streak but in those wins the margin of victory was just 6.5 points. During that streak, every game but the last has been against teams in the bottom half of the conference, including narrow four-point victories against Virginia and Florida St. The season closed with a six-point win over the Wolf Pack. NC State will be looking for revenge and the team has more to play for than the Demon Deacons. The Pack needs to rack up as many wins as it can to get to the big dance and coach Herb Sendek is well aware of this. He’ll have his team ready to go and he won’t have to lean as heavily on Julius Hodge for points. Lately junior guard Scooter Sherrill has stepped up his game, scoring well over his season average 10.2 points per game in three out of the last four contests. If this game comes down to free-throws, NC State has a slight advantage as the top free-throw shooting team in the ACC.

Outcome: NC State wins

#2 Maryland vs. #3 Duke – This game features two teams that stumbled badly at the end of the season. Both the Terrapins and the Blue Devils lost their last regular season games to bottom-feeders Virginia and North Carolina respectively. Strangely, Duke lost to the very team Maryland blew out by 40 points while Maryland had the season series with Virginia swept by the Cavaliers, a team Duke went 2-0 against. In their first meeting, Maryland blew-out Duke 87-72, but Duke got the better of Maryland down the road, edging out the Terps 75-70 after a hard fought game that the Blue Devils none-the-less led most of the way. The Maryland-Duke series has turned into quite a rivalry over the past several years and both teams will be fighting hard to win this year’s rubber-match. While Duke has the advantage of playing relatively close to home, Maryland has the advantage of senior leadership, something Duke has sorely missed this season. Duke has arguably the best player of the two teams in Dahntay Jones, however Maryland could easily overwhelm him with their terrific backcourt-duo of Drew Nicholas and Steve Blake. This game could really go either way, but if the game comes down to the final minutes as everyone expects it to, the outcome favors Maryland because of the poise and confidence Blake exudes. Still, don’t be surprised if Duke pulls out the win.

Outcome: Maryland wins
______________________________________________

There, I said it. Maryland has a slight edge. I think I'll go kill myself now. You know, it probably isn't good that my emotions hinge so much on the performance of a basketball team I have no personal involvement in.

> KC 12:58 PM [90657440]
> (0) comments

Today’s top news: Algona makes national news with arrival of giant Cheeto

This is the dumbest national news item I've been aware of since . . . well, ever. What possible news value do people see in this? There isn't any. The Cheeto isn’t even that big. In all the pictures it looks to be maybe three times the diameter of a quarter. I don't understand why newspapers are even bothering to cover this. I could see a humor columnist writing something or maybe a section on a weird news site, but this has no place among real stories. I mean maybe if the Cheeto were five feet tall or something it would make sense to put up a small story in the back pages of the local paper, but this is ridiculous. Further more, if Algona's only pride and joy is this Cheeto, as evidence suggests is the case, the city really needs to reexamine itself and figure out what went wrong.

In other news: The beloved Governor Ehrlich wants to bring the "gaming industry" (aka: casinos and con-artists) to Maryland. This is a great idea provided he wants to go down in history as the man who destroyed an entire state. Won't someone think of the hockey players?

> KC 10:56 AM [90650613]
> (0) comments

First of all, just thought I'd point you all in the direction of an anti-war Beastie Boys song called In a World Gone Mad. By the way, word to the wise, don't type in a "y" in place of "ie" for the word "beastie" like I accidentaly did when I was trying to get to the Beastie Boys website. It isn't a pretty site.

Now for something completely different. I thought I'd post my Silver Chips Online ACC Tournament Preview before it goes up tomorrow. Yes, that's right, you get to see it here before everyone else does on Silver Chips. You lucky dog.

Note: These are just the first round predictions. The rest will come out soon.

Silver Chips Online ACC Tournament Preview

Play-in game
#8 Clemson vs. #9 Florida St. – Clemson’s last win came on February 22 against none other than Florida St. Despite the fact that the Tigers have since gone on a four game slide, don’t be surprised when they pull away from the Seminoles in the second half. Clemson’s senior star Edward Scott averages 18 points per game and he’ll be looking to finish off his career with style. Clemson is fourth in the ACC in three-point percentage and sixth in rebound, better than Florida St. in both categories, so expect the Tigers to shoot a lot of threes and go up for second looks after misses.

Outcome: Clemson wins

First round
#1 Wake Forest vs. #8 Clemson – Last time these two teams met, Clemson stuck with Wake Forest most of the way, but ultimately the Demon Deacons pulled away. With perhaps the best player this year in Josh Howard, Wake Forest should have no problem pushing the Tigers to the wayside. The Demon Deacons have dominated the boards nearly every game this season and Clemson has no one who can stop Vytas Danelius from pounding the ball inside. Clemson need to sink a high percentage of their three-pointer attempts if they want to stay in the game.

Outcome: Wake Forest wins

#2 Maryland vs. #7 North Carolina – North Carolina has shown flashes of greatness this season, most recently shining after pulling off an upset at home against Duke. However, the Tar Heels have had more lows than highs this season after starting off 7-3 with Sean May before he suffered a season-ending injury. As a result, UNC has no inside presence and Maryland took advantage of this weakness last time the two teams met. Ryan Randle scored 14 points in just 25 minutes to help the Terps roll to a 40-point victory. UNC has limited offensive options and while Rashad McCants’ excellent three-point shooting will help, it won’t be enough.

Outcome: Maryland wins

#3 Duke vs. #6 Virginia – Virginia has been one of the year’s biggest disappointments. The Cavaliers were picked to finish high in the conference but instead they find themselves below .500 and without an at-large NCAA Tournament bid. Things aren’t going to get any better because Duke presents a challenge Virginia just isn’t ready for. If freshman shooting-sensation J.J. Redick is on target and Dahntay Jones pumps up the team with a big dunk, Virginia may be buried in one of Duke’s infamous runs early on. Virginia’s MVP, Travis Watson, will be slowed down by Duke’s most improved player, Shelden Williams, on the inside. With their top scorer hindered, Virginia will be going home early.

Outcome: Duke wins

#4 NC State vs. #5 Georgia Tech – The Wolf Pack finished off their regular season with a win at Clemson sandwiched between to crushing home defeats against two of the ACC’s top three teams. NC State is the definition of team with a season on the brink. Had the team won just one of the two close games it lost against Maryland and Wake Forest, NC State would have had a very good shot at an NCAA at-large bid. As things now stand, the Pack is in serious danger of missing the tournament and most likely need to win the ACC Tournament to get the automatic bid or not go to the big dance at all. That said, NC State, aided by its renewed sense of urgency should be able to take care of freshman star Chris Bosh and Georgia Tech. As long as Julius Hodge doesn’t have to carry the team on his back like he has some nights, the Wolf Pack’s superior offense and defense, both statistically in the top half of the league, should seal the deal.

Outcome: NC State wins
______________________________________________

Well, that's all I've got. I need to get some sleep. I've been sick and I'm missing school again. Oh darn.


> KC 1:52 AM [90573091]
> (0) comments

You messin' with me?

Hmm, I feel strangely under attack.

Chris, the fact of the matter is I didn't sell out. At least, I don't think I did. I may disagree with the man's politics, but I still wanted to hear what he had to say. I didn't ask to go stand up there behind Ridge. I was up there because it's what my thousands or adoring fans wanted. Oh, that and I was sort of haphazardly pulled from the group.

I had no problem with Ridge and Paige's stated reason for being there. If there's something wrong with helping schools prepare for emergencies should they arise, someone please tell me what it is. I know Ridge and Paige were there mostly to drum up positive media coverage, but then, what politician isn't?

I don't feel physically standing behind Ridge was in any way a metaphor for standing behind him on all his policies. Anyway, the whole thing is inconsequential because the press conferece was probably broadcast live to an audience of five people around the country, so who the fuck cares.

In other news: In the last two days, our readership has dramatically increased. In fact, it has increased an infinite amount because before we had no readers. I know for a fact that at least two people have read at least one word on this page as evidenced by the two random messages we got recently on the Tag-Board to the left. That's one small step for man . . . and also one pretty small step for us.

> KC 9:31 PM [90494664]
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KC is the Republican Propagandist

That's right, I traded in my beliefs for a little national television air-time.

Well, not quite.

I went to the Ridge/Paige press conference with the intent of sitting in the audience. There were only a few students let in. I was chosen after a grueling selection process that consisted of me raisng my hand in class. Just four students were allowed to go as accredited journalists, the rest of us were told we'd be somewhere in the room. As it turned out, it didn't really matter if you were with the media or not because no one was allowed to ask questions. When the students met before the conference, they took eight "randomly" selected students from the group to stand behind the presentation. The reason I put "randomly" in quotes is to denote the fact that it clearly wasn't random. They picked out minorities to make the setting more diverse. I guess they decided they needed one white guy in there too so they through me into the background as well.

Just look at that picture Branden posted from the Washington Post. Clearly Ridge and Paige were trying to send a message: "The Bush Administration may be in favor of white people, but that doesn't mean we can't be in the same room as minorities." I say this fully aware that Paige is, despite popular belief, a minority himself. That's ok though. He's rich.

I especially like the mixture of students and various security agents. Since the press conference was held to unveil a new website aimed at schools to help make emergency planning easier, the message the mishmosh of people behind Ridge sends is clearly, "Please let us sit down now." Er, I mean, "School safety comes first."

At any rate, I did feel a little guilty afterwards. I had just been used to promote the Republican Party. Still, I didn't feel all that bad about missing the protest that went on outside while we were inside. I wasn't sure it was the appropriate time to be marching around. Ridge and Paige weren't there to talk about the war, they were there to talk about emergency planning. That said, I understand why people did protest. It was a great chance to be heard. I mean, the media was there, why not use it?

By the way, the name of the site is www.ed.gov (I'm not linking to it, it's garbage). Yes, "ED." If you're like me, you find that amusing. Afterall, one of the recent Republican presidential candidates is already famous for E.D.

In other news: Documents the Bush crew said linked Iraq to attempts at buying uranium in Africa were faked. It's obvious to me who forged the information, but I hope someone finds proof. There's more to the story and I'm hoping everyone in the US finds out about this, but something tells me they won't. I looked around at various media sites and didn't see a whole lot of stories relating to this news. It was on the front page of the Washington Post this morning and I applaud them for it. Afterall, this is the same paper that has decided it's pro-war. I'm glad they haven't stopped looking for the facts like certain other papers and television programs have.

> KC 5:35 PM [90372611]
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Tom Ridge comes to school tomorrow. I checked in at the main office to see if we could report the news, but there's concern the school will be bombarded with outside anti-war protestors if the word is made too public. Secretary of Education Paige is also supposed to be there and there are rumors (albeit very much unsubstantiated) that Dick Cheney may make an appearance. Now that would be interesting. I'm one of the lucky people who gets to help make their photo-op look good by filling up the bleachers so I'll have the unique opportunity to throw stuff at Cheney if he shows. No doubt I'd be wrestled to the ground by burly secret service agents and arrested, but it'd be worth to price to see a big, slimy spit ball stuck to his forehead.

Random Insight: If ever you should find yourself in a situation where you're chasing your arch-nemisis around a cliff and you happen to scramble off the edge by accident, make sure to keep your eyes fixed straight ahead and don't think about falling. I personally have never tried this, but I hear it doesn't work. Apparently gravity doesn't like to be molded to fit our needs. Still, doing as I suggested in the first sentence of this paragraph would be really funny to watch if someone caught it on camera. Think about it, you'd go out with a bang . . . er, splat.

> KC 10:11 PM [90277627]
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We did it. It's over. The applicants are chosen. It took three cancellations, but now we're done.

Silver Chips Online will be about twice the size it is this year. We ended up taking more people than we probably should have and yet there's still one applicant I feel bad about not taking. Luckily, I personally only had to make one rejection call. That's the toughest part -- telling people that have been waiting for weeks to hear from us and who worked pretty much all semester to get to this point that we just couldn't find enough space to squeeze them in. I obviously can't talk specifics, but I know some people had to deal with applicants breaking down over the phone while others dealt with students who were obviously less-than-thrilled about the positions they were offered.

It was an interesting and, on some level, fun experience, but not something I ever want to do again. I'm not sure I like having the power to decide how another student's life will look next year. It's hard listening to kids in interviews talk about how much they want to be on staff and then telling them, in a horribly blunt phone call, "We're sorry, but we don't have any positions to offer you. Good night."

At any rate, I did get to pass on the good news to Chris that he got the sysops position for online. It was a tough choice, let me tell you. Chris was in an intensely competitive pool of applicants that consisted of . . . himself. In honor of his achievement, I bestow upon him this "Best of Chips" award. Print it out, Chris, you earned it.

> KC 9:06 PM [90148373]
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In the vein of the Book-a-minute thingymagummer on KC's "Charles Dickens" link, I find this incredibly funny. You may not. There's only one way to find out...



In completely unrelated news, thank god people named Thornstein Veblen existed, just to make doing homework exciting. Sort of.

> Abby 9:45 PM [90086669]
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Ready, Aim...

I liked Hard Times. Should I be watching out for knives in my back, unidentified flying food aimed at my head, or KC with the wrench in the computer lab?

> Abby 8:18 PM [90081951]
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What a horrible day of college basketball. First Duke lost after pretty much dominating the second half. They decided that they no longer needed to score so St. John's got back in the game. The Red Storm won on a bad foul call, but still, I give them credit. They deserved the win if not that last point that got them the "W." After that, Maryland beat NC State on a late 3-pointer after being behind almost the whole game from what I've heard.

I didn't get a chance to see the UMD game because I had to finish up my horribly written Hard Times essay. Charles Dickens: Thank you for being mortal. No one wanted to read anymore of your books.

You know, Dr. D'Angelo should just get a stamp that says "B-" and stamp it on a bunch of sheets of computer paper so I can print my essays out with the grade already on it and she doesn't have to read my bull shit anymore. One of these days I'm going to learn how to write an essay right. Of course, by the time I learn, I'll probably be out in the working world and never have to write one again.

> KC 2:47 AM [90038839]
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Terminal Verbosity

Yesterday while playing Scrabble, I hit "REQUIEM" on a double word score. Damn, am I proud of myself.

> Abby 6:03 PM [89971633]
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I read an article by Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post this morning. It concerned Toni Smith, a Division III women's college basketball player at Manhattanville College. Every game when the National Anthem is sung, she turns away from the flag and bows her head in protest over the now inevitable war in Iraq and the Bush administration. According to the article, she's heckled by fans everywhere she plays and was once even accosted by a Vietnam War vet.

I have to say I really admire her courage. She's standing up for what she believes in and making people sit up and take notice. I personally get up and say the pledge every morning because my interpretation of the flag is different from hers. I'm not pledging allegiance to the current government, I'm pledging allegiance to what this country stands for and all the good it has done in the past. There's no doubt that the US has done plenty of horrible things too, but I'm still proud to be an American citizen most of the time.

Smith views the flag as a symbol of support for everything the US is doing and has done. I certainly understand that perspective and that's why I like what Smith is doing. She's making her opinion heard and giving a voice to the rest of us out here who agree with her stance. As Jenkins pointed out, she's the very definintion of a patriot: she's using her First Amendment rights.

If there's something wrong with that, then I don't think I want to live here anymore.

> KC 3:41 PM [89966532]
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There were a bunch of interesting stories today and yesterday that I think I need to bring up.

First and foremost, Mr. Rogers died this morning at the age of 74. I can't say I recall watching his show that much, but I know a lot of people grew up with him on the TV everyday. I do remember going to Williamsburgh in fifth grade on a field trip. I was the last one awake because I was forced to sleep on the floor after the beds were all taken. The teacher assigned to our room, a music teacher, decided the best way to get me up was to have the other kids in the room sing a loud, rousing rendition of "It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood." When I woke up, there were four laughing heads staring me in the face. Kids from rooms on either side of our own told me that they'd heard them belting out PBS's classic tune. To this day, I'm still emotionally scarred from the event. At any rate, rest in peace, Fred.

Emmitt Smith has officially been run out of Dallas. We all saw it coming, it was just a matter of time before Jerry Jones decided to piss off the Dallas fan base again. Smith should have hung up his jersey after this season, but he says he's still got a few more seasons left in him. Apparently he hasn't seen the video of the games he played in this season. I hate Dallas as much as the next Redskins fan, but I'd still like to see Smith retire as a Cowboy. His career is over, but I still think Jones should have tried to find any means possible to keep Smith on the team.



Duke beat Geogia Tech yesterday to pull them even with the Terps for second place again. JJ Redick looked great out on the court: six of seven from beyond the arc for 19 points (the 19th point came on a free throw). The game was never really much of a contest but it was still another big win for Duke because the players are establishing themselves as a team that can play on the road too and and they're keeping themselves in the running for a number 1 one seed in the NCAA tournament. If Duke can make it through its last three games unscathed and win the ACC Tournament, I think they're a lock for a number one seed. Granted, that's a pretty big if. They still have to play UNC on the road and even though the Tarheels seem to have self-destructed, I'm worried they'll pull themselves together for one final big win.

In other news: Surprise! We cancelled acceptance calls again! BNC isn't ready to make them yet anyway, so I guess it works out, but I'd really like to get them out of the way and a lot of people are on edge about whether or not they made the cut. We probably won't have school tomorrow, but if we do, calls will go out. Since it's a a Friday night, probably a good half of the people we call won't even answer the phone, but hey, that's not our problem.

> KC 7:09 PM [89868967]
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Abby, Branden would be lucky to be the next Weedy Ford of the Los Sacapuntas. I really need to put that video up online somewhere.

Now back to

THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY

The prosecution would like to bring the attention of the jury back to Exhibit B. In this picture, KC's hand is positioned such that he is clearly getting ready to shoot a sticky web-like substance at the two evil-doers across the table. These two are clearly possessed by some demonic force as evidenced by the red glint in their eyes. One need only compare Exhibit B to Exhibit C to discover what truly is happening.

The prosecution would like to note that Spiderman is an upstanding citizen who would never lie about a crime he saw committed. That is why you, the jury, must find Chris Mulligan guilty.

In other news: Silver Chips Online phone calls were postponed once again. We would be making them tomorrow if there’s school, but Branden pointed out that it’s Magnet Arts Night so that means only something like 2% of the people who applied will be home at the time calls go out. We are so screwed.


> KC 12:12 AM [89819908]
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You must learn to read between the lines for the subtext:

HEAR the sounds of electric guitars being played with mediocrity!

except for Branden, who will in time be hailed as the next Jimmy Hendrix and wh already has a devoted following of groupies. God, I wish I was him.

SMELL the deoderant of a bazillio dorky kids packed into 10 sq. feet!

except for Branden, who recently received official word that he is, in fact, the coolest person on the planet and shall be hereby known as Sir Studly.

Duh.

> Abby 8:33 PM [89808460]
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Forsooth!

Branden, I totally figured out who you are, it just took me a minute (ok, a few days) to connect you with your last name. I blame society.

All should attend Magnet Arts Night
HEAR the sounds of electric guitars being played with mediocrity!
SMELL the deoderant of a bazillion dorky kids packed into 10 sq. feet!
SEE Abby's complete and utter incompetance at working a spotlight!

It's like the Superbowl, only without the super or the bowl.

> Abby 10:45 PM [89753825]
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Chris: Your point is invalid. The prosecution would like to direct the jury's attention to Exhibit A.

Yes, my friends, that is a picture of a dog humping someone's leg. Whose leg you ask? Why it's the leg of one Chris Mulligan. And, hey, by the way, you know who snapped that photo? Why Chris Mulligan did. That's right, Chris is compiling a softcore doggy porn magazine.

Now I ask you, would you believe a man who makes such filth? I didn't think so.

The prosecution rests.

> KC 9:24 PM [89749209]
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And lo! There was strife in Eden

Ah, but KC, if we're going to talk material pirating, how about stealing the idea to use biblical references as blog titles? Or even using blog titles at all? So, to use a technical term, booyah!

However, I do feel like a worthless shell of a human being because instead of going to El Salvador this summer to better the world of those less fortunate than myself, I plan to wile away the hours by testing just how long I can remain completely immobile before becoming paralyzed. On days when I feel particularly active, I might sit up. I also plan to eat a lot of hotdogs.

> Abby 9:15 PM [89748675]
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okay, I've decided to rebel - no guidelines for me and no mention of s*lver ch*ps whatsoever.

And since KC mentioned my protesting the war, I feel the need to defend my stance. Public protests have affected political change in the past and particularly in this situation where the global sentiment is against the President's agenda, I feel that enough powerful protests, in conjunction with other factors, can have some effect - http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/ . Besides, I'll get too fed up with the fucked up politics of this nation if I don't speak out - I need to feel like I'm doing something at least to maintain my own sanity.

On a more positive note, I'm going to El Salvador for 2 weeks this summer to do a service project - will be living with a family in a rural town and am excited. don't know how I'm going to survive the rest of the school year, but at least we have spring break...


> Anonymous 12:14 AM [89693194]
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Thou shalt not take my stuff

I forgot to mention that the "guidelines" idea is copyrighted. Abby, Chris, I'm afraid you both owe me royalties.

Abby, you pay double: I own two properties and you landed on both of them. The "in other news" catch phrase is also mine. Pay up or go to jail . . . do not pass go, do not collect $200. I also own three out of the four railroads.

In other news: Duke reached number five in the Coaches Poll and six in the AP Poll . . . number two seed, here we come.



> KC 12:03 AM [89692666]
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In the beginning there was nothing. And then...

My guidelines, which I will violate whenever I damn well feel like it:
1. I will not talk about Fight Club.
2. I will not talk about Fight Club.
3. I will not join Chris' prostitution ring, though I may volunteer other people of my acquaintance into Chris' prostitution ring.
4. I will not exceed four guidelines.
5. The words "college" and "basketball" will never be mentioned within the same paragraph unless it be to shamelessly mock my peers.

In other news, my editors at the glorious Silver Chips have cut 400 words from my story. Bastards.

> Abby 11:42 PM [89691533]
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For those of you who have just stumbled across this blog, I appologize profusely for the recent increase in dork factor due in large part to the two pictures posted below. Don't worry, the situation will be rectified. I'll find a way to ground this thing somehow . . . QUICK! Think about college basketball!

There, I've redeemed this entire site. Chris, you can thank me later.

For the manly men out there who still feel they have to recover more masculinity after viewing Mulligan's pictures, worry not. Staring at a beautiful woman is a sure-fire cure.

Oh, by the way, if you're a PC user an you're really interested in buying a new keyboard, I suggest this one . . .

> KC 10:54 PM [89688762]
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Random Links

All right, time to set you up with a couple links that I've found totally by accident or stumbled on when I was looking for something else.

First up is Cannonballs. There was an old DOS game where you controlled an ape and hurled explosive bananas at your opponent while standing on top of random buildings. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, than you'll understand Cannonballs. It's kind of like the explosive banana wielding ape game except in 3D and with a bunch (har!) more options. It's entertaining for a while and best of all, it's free. It's a big download and it probably won't run on anything less than a DSL connection. Note: The actual name of the game is Cannonballs! with the exclamation point. To me, adding punctuation to the end of the name of a product or company (Yahoo!) is up there, stupidity-wise, with people who pronounce "nuclear" nucular.

If you're interested in college basketball, check out this WKU fan's site. He updates RPI data pretty frequently so if you want to keep track of where your team stands, it's a good place to look.

> KC 5:21 PM [89669446]
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I spent another Friday night playing Risk. Yes, my social life has really hit the skids, though, to my credit, I did start the night off doing something else that eventually fell through.

I'm not going to go into detail about who was there and what was said because I don't want to inadvertently turn this into a diary where I make commentary on all of my friends. I don't think a public writing area is the place bitch about who you hate and gossip about who your latest crushes are. The idiots who use blogs to divulge their innermost thoughts and feelings are trying too hard. They're the type of people that in real life are so melodramatic it makes you want to throw up everything you've ever eaten.

So here are my ground rules:
1. I will not use this blog as a forum for spewing deep, philosophical bull shit. I mean, social commentary is ok, but there's a certain line that's easy to cross wherein it's apparent to everyone you're just being fake.
2. I will never, under any circumstances, use this blog to write about anything serious with regard to my personal life. I'm not going to discuss my problems on this thing unless they're trivial. Example of a serious problem: I'm suicidal. This is a cry for help. Example of a not-so-serious problem: I stepped in dog shit and I really don't want to have to clean my shoes.
3. I will not use this site as a front for a prostitution ring. I'm firmly commited to this one. I also won't use it to peddle drugs to kids.

Well that's about it for now.

> KC 12:28 AM [89537987]
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Ok, I just found out Dave Barry has a blog. If he has one, it must be cool. It's part of his official site, but I wonder if he actually writes it himself or if he pays someone to do it for him. Don't get me wrong, I love Dave Barry. In fact, some day, I'm going to grow up to be just like him --- no, I won't win the pulitzer. I'm thinking more along these lines: one day I'll be middle-aged and gaining weight just like him.

Seriously though, I do think it would be cool to have my own humor column. Wait! That's right! I have one! (::KC's humor column::)

In other news: Maya went downtown to protest the war in Iraq. Hey, I'm against it, but at this juncture I can't see the point in bothering to protest. It's already too late. Bush is movin' on up to the east hemisphere and that's that it seems. He wants peace. HA!

> KC 1:46 PM [89510378]
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Wow. The size of this blog has already tripled over the course of its first night.

Why in God's name am I still awake?

> KC 2:46 AM [89484933]
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well, kc wants me to post something - so here goes.

have a silver chips article to write, which sucks for me. newspaper comes above all else and we can power through this blizzard to come out on time... oh boy.

ski trip was good - would rather be at wisp than at my computer trying to articulate just why I hate testing... and that's all for now.

> Anonymous 2:03 AM [89483574]
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Well, here's my blog. I'm putting this up because I'm bored out of my mind and I've been stuck in my house for the last 5 days or so thanks to THE BLIZZARD OF 2003. No reason that's in capitals, just felt it should be.

Anyway, as my editor so aptly put it, "FUCK THE NATIONAL SCHOLASTIC PRESS ASSOCIATION."

We here at Silver Chips Online have been screwed yet again. The Pacemaker Finalists were announced and we were absent from the list. Beaten out by nice looking sites that haven't updated in months. A few of the papers are good and deserve to be there. The rest got there are on looks alone and that, pure and simple, is bull shit. I've lost all respect for the organization. The people who judge the award must be old fucktards who don't know what it means to be a good online paper. Look at the Washington Post's site. It's everything a good online publication should be. It isn't just layout that makes or breaks an online paper as they seem to think over at NSPA. You have to have frequent, quality updates. That's something we've always valued. That's something we've always done well. Maybe we aren't the best online paper out there, but we're better than most of the finalists on that list. We're one of the most popular according to Yahoo! so we must be doing something right.

All right, that's the end of my venting. I'm taking over as editor-in-chief next year so I have to prove I'm passionate about this stuff every once in a while.

In other news: Duke beat Maryland. Words cannot express the joy i felt after the Blue Devils won that game. It moved them into a tie for second place, but more importantly, it did wonders for the team's confidence and set them back on the right track. After that bull shit loss to Wake Forest in double OT, they needed a positive. They finally won a road game, beating a decent team in Virginia, and then turned around to punch the Terps in the mouth at Cameron. JJ may also have snapped the funk he's been in. Watch out for the Blue Devils in March. They have a good shot at making it to the Sweet 16 yet again.

Well, that's all I can think to write about for now. Gnight.

> KC 12:35 AM [89480001]
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