> netslackers <

The year is 2008
-- Friday, February 29, 2008 --

Good lord. Is this the world's ugliest website or what?

What was I thinking?

Probably that I didn't want to spend a whole lot of time making it look pretty because I was lazy. I like the world leader pictures, though. Those are nice.

I told Abby we needed to resurrect this again. She didn't respond.

Are you still alive, Abby? I noticed you still list this as one of your websites on Facebook.

That's got to count for something.

For all I know, Chris lives in Spain or on the moon now. I talked to him yesterday for the first time in a long time and man is he an asshole these days.

Ok, not really, but I think it would be cool if our blog took off in the direction of the newest TMNT movie. You know, like how the four turtles (there are four of us, too!) kind of drifted apart over the years, but then they had to get back together and fight evil?

I thought we could do that too.

Yeah, that would be awesome.

> KC 1:58 AM [4165068447799168838]
> (1) comments

Being currently in Russia, I've done something incredibly hip and created a blog which I update (and yes, more often than I update netslackers) about some of my adventures. If you are interested (and I will take it personally if you are not), you can reach it at www.i-smile-and-nod.blogspot.com. I like comments. Really.

> Abby 11:12 AM [115193967680608715]
> (1) comments

Ha ha! I see through KC's ruse! If our readers will remember back to the faithful day when he last posted news of netslackers demise (see March 2005: "more death. this time no taxes"), KC's dire predictions sparked a flurry of posting that lasted all the way through the summer and gave us memorable accounts of such important events as the Pope's death, the release of Star Wars III: Revenge of the Whiny Adolescent, and the closeted sexual relationship between Mace Windu and Yoda. Some of these things we wish to forget: the Star Wars prequels pretty much sucked more than a sucking thing has ever sucked before. Others we have already forgotten. But the point is, that KC's scare tactics will never again trick us into posting. Never, I tell you, never! Netslackers is dead! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh fuck.

> Abby 2:52 PM [114789197236952188]
> (0) comments

Possibly yes.

[Edit] My mistake. I did not mean to imply suicide. Just self mutilation. I kid!

Really though, I'm going to kill myself.

Haha! Gotchya!

Seriously though, netslackers is in trouble. There is a serious lack of caring going on here, and I'm not the one to fix it. I'm pointing my gun at the screen now. I don't want to do this, but someone has to put the site down.

Wait, I forgot bullets and I'm much too lazy to find a Wal-Mart right now.

Oh well, guess we'll let you live a little longer.

> KC 8:56 PM [114774109357859992]
> (0) comments

I am stage managing a show. It eats my life. You should come see it, or I'll feed your babies to my plants.

Grand Hotel

July 22, 23, 29, and 30 at 8 p.m.
August 5 and 6 at 8 p.m.
July 31 at 2 p.m.

Tickets are $9 for students, $7 for adults.

Quince Orchard High School
15800 Quince Orchard Road
Gaithersburg, MD 20878

I realize that this is in the middle of nowhere, but I am also firmly convinced that you have nothing better to do. So, come and make my life worthwhile.

> Abby 4:11 PM [112197684170106062]
> (0) comments

At long last, all the characteristics of a dedicated employee of the U.S. Postal Service and a Navy SEAL have been combined in the soul of one man. He is ready to deliver your package at any time to any location regardless of inclement weather, physical impossibility, or enemy fire. And if that package just happens to be pizza, in thirty minutes or less or it's free. We should all be like this man. Proud, hardworking, and fucking indestructible.

In a further news update, netslackers brings you further proof of society's losing battle with infinite regression. Actually, the article itself isn't that funny, but I find the title amusing. There's something very Far Side about the mental image it conjurs up. Nothing too clear, but it definitely involves strangely deformed human beings wearing lab coats and glasses that completely obscure their eyes and eating bananas and shooting dart guns at each other. The truth is out: Science is done. Liberty, equality, subjectivity, or death!

But for God's sake, what about the chickens?

> Abby 4:33 PM [111826397714870432]
> (0) comments

The following conversation actually occurred. You can have it unfold in real time if you read it aloud.

KC: Hey dad, why do we have two types of trash bags?

Rex: Some are indoor and some are outdoor. There are small and white ones and big and black ones.

KC: [Awkward silence]

Rex: Just like people.

KC: [Horrified and stunned pause followed by awkward silence]

Yes. My dad really does go by the name "Rex." He is not a dinosaur or a dog. If one were to throw him a Frisbee, he would make no attempt to catch it with his mouth. I've tried. Nothing. Not even when I throw it at his face.

Coming back from school has had its pluses and minuses. Hearing my dear old pa make a penis joke probably falls under the negative.

> KC 1:19 AM [111803706066502449]
> (0) comments