> netslackers <

the magic of theatre
-- Thursday, July 21, 2005 --

I am stage managing a show. It eats my life. You should come see it, or I'll feed your babies to my plants.

Grand Hotel

July 22, 23, 29, and 30 at 8 p.m.
August 5 and 6 at 8 p.m.
July 31 at 2 p.m.

Tickets are $9 for students, $7 for adults.

Quince Orchard High School
15800 Quince Orchard Road
Gaithersburg, MD 20878

I realize that this is in the middle of nowhere, but I am also firmly convinced that you have nothing better to do. So, come and make my life worthwhile.

> Abby 4:11 PM [112197684170106062]
> (0) comments

At long last, all the characteristics of a dedicated employee of the U.S. Postal Service and a Navy SEAL have been combined in the soul of one man. He is ready to deliver your package at any time to any location regardless of inclement weather, physical impossibility, or enemy fire. And if that package just happens to be pizza, in thirty minutes or less or it's free. We should all be like this man. Proud, hardworking, and fucking indestructible.

In a further news update, netslackers brings you further proof of society's losing battle with infinite regression. Actually, the article itself isn't that funny, but I find the title amusing. There's something very Far Side about the mental image it conjurs up. Nothing too clear, but it definitely involves strangely deformed human beings wearing lab coats and glasses that completely obscure their eyes and eating bananas and shooting dart guns at each other. The truth is out: Science is done. Liberty, equality, subjectivity, or death!

But for God's sake, what about the chickens?

> Abby 4:33 PM [111826397714870432]
> (0) comments

The following conversation actually occurred. You can have it unfold in real time if you read it aloud.

KC: Hey dad, why do we have two types of trash bags?

Rex: Some are indoor and some are outdoor. There are small and white ones and big and black ones.

KC: [Awkward silence]

Rex: Just like people.

KC: [Horrified and stunned pause followed by awkward silence]

Yes. My dad really does go by the name "Rex." He is not a dinosaur or a dog. If one were to throw him a Frisbee, he would make no attempt to catch it with his mouth. I've tried. Nothing. Not even when I throw it at his face.

Coming back from school has had its pluses and minuses. Hearing my dear old pa make a penis joke probably falls under the negative.

> KC 1:19 AM [111803706066502449]
> (0) comments

And then but did Abby and her faithful dozen, including he that should be called KC, though KC beith not his name, but that abbreviation to which he doth partake, and that shortening to KC seemeth pleasing, for it is said that KC is that which he should be called, did do perilous journey nigh into Rockville, where, through means swift and divergent, yet though involving three hours standing in line, did they look upon that which he who is George Lucas deem fit to call Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. But in the first hour or so did it be as Star Wars II: Attack of the Bad Puns, but then, even as he who is called Anakin Skywalker but whom we know secretly to be nought but Hayden Christensen in a robe of amusing semblence develop unnatural colored contact lenses and begin to lay waste about him with his saber of strangley solid and apparently sharp light, did we in the audience feel fit to say, lo, this movie doth not suck.

So, as you may have gathered by the above (or not gathered and just read with ever increasing confusion and bewilderment, which is almost the same thing as gathered, except entirely the opposite), I, along with several others, including KC (that which it is he is to be called), went to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith last night (slash this morning...whatever). And it surprised us all by not sucking. Well, sort of. The first half sucked as most of the prequels do, and for awhile there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth. But then they brought in some neat special effects and it got better. It is not cooincidental, I think, that the good-o-meter of this movie rises in an inverse relationship to the amount of time people spend talking.

So, since the movie itself is pretty neatly divided into a good half and a bad half (or, as I like to refer to them, the dark side and the light side, because I'm incorrigibly clever like that), I feel like I can legimitately present my opinions in equally black-and-white (slash light and dark) wording. Thus, The Top 10 Things to Like About Star Wars III and the Top 10 Things to Hate About It. I may run out of things to talk about before I reach ten in either category, but life is empty without a little risk. Also, many of my opinions are probably much less evenly categorized into the good/bad columns then they'll appear here. So you'll never know if what I'm saying is actually what I think or just a cunning ruse to fill out 10 bullet points. This, folks is life on the edge. Finally, there are likely to be spoilers. Probably of the variety of "Anakin goes evil!" type, but since I haven't written the list yet, I can't be sure. Obviously, I'll be far too lazy at the end of it all to go back and edit this to let you know how specific I get. But that's the way it goes. So, either go cry about it, or read on. Or just, I dunno, walk away and eat lunch, that's also a viable option. I'd do it.

Top 10 Things to Like About Star Wars III

10. No speaking lines for Jar Jar Binks (+50 billion pts.)
I feel like there is no need to further clarify why this is a good thing. If you don't understand, then you probably don't deserve to live.

9. Hayden Christensen does his best to be hot. I salute the effort, if not the overwhelming success. He manages to prance around without a shirt for a good few minutes, which is far superior to the prancing around without a shirt Amidala does for large portions of Star Wars II: Attack of the Underaged Naked Girl. The Force also rejoiced with the loss of both his and Obi-Wan's rattail. For though this takes place long, long ago, 90s hairdos are still not allowed to be in style. It's not Hayden's fault that he just doesn't look good with burns covering 90 percent of his body. It's a tough condition for any modeling job.

8. George Lucas seems to finally recognize that he is sublimely ridiculous. I don't know what it is about this film, but it felt like a lot of the corniness and horribleness of the opening was self-referential, like Lucas actually knew that people would laugh at how utterly stupid so much of what happens is, and he may as well ham it up. Attack of the Suckiness is just as bad, but it seems so much more sincere, which makes it even more painful.

7. Nobody's skin, at any point in the preceedings, is compared to sand. That this is a step up is a sign of just how low my standards have been set.

6. Ewan McGregor. What can I say, rattail or not, the man is a beast. He also does a mean Alec Guiness impersonation.

5. George Lucas scrambling around trying to tie up ends of the plot so that they make sense in the next three films is hilarious. My favorite example is the bit at the end where Yoda takes Obi Wan aside and is like, "By the way, Qui Jon figured out a way to come back from the dead. Let me show you how." You never even see anyone actually do it. It's like George Lucas wrote the entire script, shot the entire movie, and then realized, "Shit, I have no way of explaining how characters keep developing nifty blue bodies in the next trilogy. Uhh...insert random snippet of dialogue! No time to make it fit in with rest of the scene! No more budget left for special effects! Just film it, damnit, they'll buy it." On a scale of one to subtle, this is not one of the bits that registers.
Sidenote: For an alternate explanation of the cool blue body phenomenon, try this.

4. Some parts of the movie (much of what happens after Anakin's official conversion to Evil) are genuinely good, not just amusingly-bad good. Some are actually moving. I won't get more specific, even though it probably wouldn't matter if I did, because you should know this stuff, but sometimes I have these impulses to be a good person. They are quickly quashed, but there nonetheless.

3. Light sabers. Pretty. When used in battle, much resembling of rave lights, except for the bit where they slash people in half. I've never had a rave light do that to me. The point is, lightsaber battles are fun, and this film has them in spades. Like I said before, most of the last half of the film is fighting, largely without dialogue, and you can bet that George Lucas was probably least involved with the fight choreography above everything else, and that pretty much means that the movie gets better, cause Lucas is often somewhat of a dumbass.

2. My personal favorite line: "I sense a plot against the Jedi Council in the Force." This is great. It cracked me up for a good ten minutes. Nobody ever senses something this specific in the Force. Ever. Alderan was completely destroyed, and all Obi Wan got was a twinge. You sense great darkness in the Force. You sense a disturbance in the Force. You do not sense any kind of direct idea of the plot in the Force. It's like sensing that your spinach puffs are burning in the oven in the Force. Doesn't happpen.

1. At one point, Obi Wan calls George Bush a Sith Lord. That basically makes the entire movie worth it for me. I really want to hear the White House response: "We understand that George Bush has never, to our knowledge, used his fear and anger to channel the forces of Darkness and strangle White House aides with his powers. We command George Lucas to either provide substantive evidence of the existence of his fictional 'Darth Dubya,' or completely withdraw all allegations."

As a sidenote, meaning I've run out of bullet points, and top eleven or twelve lists just aren't done, Yoda can be quite funny. He is also never, at any point in the movie, involved in a disturbing sexual relationship with Mace. The film's complete lack of kinky puppet sex is definitely +infinity points.

And on we go to

Top 10 Things to Hate About Star Wars III

10. Jar Jar Binks. Silent, but still there, in an alarming extreme close-up. I feel like this is Lucas standing sulkily on the sidelines being like, "Well I like him." Wrong again, George. Wrong again. Doubleplus ungood. Minus 80 trillion points.

9. Some people in this movie have been known to be good in other movies. Others have been known to suck in other movies. Still others just haven't been in other movies, so it's hard to say. Whatever their resume, many people try to act. Few of them succeed. They should stop it and get to the fighting, already.

8. Once again, we are repeatedly and painfully bludgeoned over the head with the fact that Lucas cannot write dialogue to save his life or the lives of any small woodland creatures under his protection. Many of the scenes are nought but people going, "I love you more." "No, I love you more." "No, I love you infinity." "Damn, you got me." Actually, the dialogue in the original trilogy is equally sucky (well, not equally. No one in the original trilogy is compared to sand, either). I hesitate to say that Mark Hamil may just be a better actor than people in these films, because that's probably a lie, but at least he's more sincere sounding. Hayden Christensen, not so much. Sweetie, let your evilly colored contact lenses do your acting for you and shut up. We'll all be better for it.

7. On a similar note, Lucas is a bad director (you may have gathered this from previous comments). He has no sense of pacing within a scene or within the movie as a whole. Many scenes just end at what feels like a random moment- nothing has been resolved, there is probably more dialogue to be said, aaahhhh, incoming wipe transition, run away, run away! He also can't milk a moment. You sort of get the idea that he knows when one is there, he just doesn't know what to do with it, like men and spatulas (actually, that doesn't make any sense, but spatula is a funny word). For example, the first time we hear the Darth Vader breath is a Moment. It should last longer than five seconds. We should at least hear two or three deep breaths in silence before being whisked away to something less interesting.

6. Scenes with no purpose. This movie is already 2.5 hours long. Cut them. Especially if they involve Queen Hairdo and the Man-shaped Angst Machine. Then not only cut them, but burn the original prints.

5. I like the lightsaber battles. They are cool. But they all look alike. Everybody has the same fighting style, and while they are all equally nice to look at, they don't develop anything new as the movie goes on. One in particular is also filmed in such extreme close up that all you get is a lot of whirling lights. Many epileptics died to bring you this film.

4. R2D2: Battle bot. What the fuck. When did R2D2 develop rocket boosters? Did he just not feel like using them in episodes four through six? I feel like the transformers music should have been playing the background.
On that note, Lucas is just a little too excited about some of his nifty computerized abilities. This shows up a lot in the lightsaber battles as well, in that there seems to have been a great decline in lightsaber skills somewhere in between episodes 3 and 4. Obi Wan got old, maybe Darth's evil cape hampers his mobility, but Luke is just not impressive compared to the most meager of Jedi in the prequels. They're massacreing armies while he's having trouble with the wompa bats on Dagobah.
Also, many of the non-spaceship special effects are just terrible. Any time people get cg stunt doubles, it's like a big neon sign flashes in the corner of the screen going, "Press x to jump, o to fire your blaster, and triple triangle up down sideways to beat the boss at the end of level five."

3. Amidala used to have purpose. It wasn't all that interesting, but she did stuff. She was a senator. She senitized. Here, she does nothing. Nothing. She is totally lame and useless. She hangs around her apartment. She wears funny hairdos. At one point, she doesn't wear nearly enough clothing, despite being pregnant. Mostly she cries a lot. Yay Natalie Portman. You can cry on cue. Good for you. Out of my movie.

2. Characters are overwhelmingly stupid. It's crucial to the plot, for whatever reason, that Anakin and Amidala's marriage be secret. Dunno why, but they seem to feel it's necessary. Why, then, are they obviously sharing an apartment in the city, making out on the balcony, and getting each other pregnant? (Ok, not each other, per se, but that would have definitely made for a more interesting movie.) And why does no one seem to notice that Amidala is pregnant? At one point, someone says, "We have to save the babies!" and this random senator looks over with this look of confusion and says "Babies?" like an obviously pregnant woman was not RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM! What, did they think she'd been hitting the buffet line particuarly hard in the last few weeks?

1. Darth Vader's voice was not meant to be used to say things like, "Where is Padme? Is she alright?" It is meant to be used to say things like, "Die now" and "I find your lack of faith disturbing, general," followed by the imminent strangling of a displeasing underling. It is not to be abused by having him cry out "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" in pain, because it will not sound heartrending, it will sound stupid. And it does. Lord, but it does.

Once again out of bullet points. I feel like I should mention that George Lucas has a thing about dismembered hands, because EVERYONE at some point loses theirs. You win in Star Wars if you come through with your lightsaber arm intact. It's effective when it shows a disturbing parallel between Luke and Vader. It's ineffective when most of the Jedi nation is keeping the market in artificial limbs afloat.

Um. That is all.

> Abby 12:49 PM [111652749158345898]
> (3) comments

Let me say first that I am not a big fan of Star Wars. Sure those first three (the last three... whatever) are pretty entertaining, but Episodes I and II seemed rather forced, as though George Lucas had taken a massive dump, strung all the feces together and looped them through a film projector. I realize that was not the most pleasant of images. I have this disgusting thought now stuck in my head of him sitting down on the throne to drop the ewoks off at the pool. It makes me wonder if he ever says anything witty when the first one dives in. You know something corny like, "Woah boy! I felt a disturbance in the force!"

Anyway, I was looking at Google News when I noticed publicity pictures for the new movie had been released. I was curious to see if they'd have a picture of Hayden Christensen doing his damnedest to look sinister like a kid who listens to Linkin Park and thinks he's badass, so I clicked on the link. It was your standard stuff. Nothing particularly interesting... and then I saw it. I found myself wondering if Star Wars had an extended edition or if maybe I had missed some subtle hints you only notice if you watch the movies a second time. Certainly nothing I had seen explained the family tree I was looking at (click for larger).

Needless to say, I was stunned. When did Han Solo and Princess Leia give birth to Chewie? Was that in one of the books? Was it possible my parents had skipped over that part of the movie when I was 6-years-old and watched it with them?

Well at least I could stomach that. Maybe she had given birth to one ugly-ass baby, but at least it wasn't.... wait a second... what the fuck is that?...

What could that line possibly mean? I showed it to a friend hoping she could shed some light on the situation.

Jes: i feel like they didn't know how to make a family tree
Jes: the lines actually do mean something
KC: yea. they mean yoda likes the jungle love

Had I answered my own question? Did Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson really get it on? Was there a whole love sub-context written into the dialogue? I asked a second friend.

KC: when did we find out yoda was humping sam jackson?
Trip: episode 2
KC: oh, it's one of those movie secrets where you have to go frame by frame?
Trip: yeah... they squeezed it in one of the more boring scenes so most people dont notice

George Lucas is a clever clever man. He knew how much everyone but the most devoted Star Wars fans would hate Episode II so he added a little something he thought the rest of us would enjoy. Unfortunately, I was unable to track down a screen capture so I asked Trip to supply me with an MS Paint artist's rendition of the intimate alien love ritual he swears took place.

BE WARNED! This image may be disturbing to younger viewers... or actually anyone who isn't a sick fuck:

You can't make this stuff up folks. I urge you to rent a copy of Episode II and see for yourself. We can't let Lucas get away with making space porn and peddling it to children. Let's put an end to this today. Yoda is not a sex puppet and no one wants to see Jackson's dick on widescreen. Let's write our congressmen and tell them we think this is wrong!

FYI: I swear to Christ anyone who found this site by searching for "Star Wars Sex" will be served a castration fitting for Sin City.

> KC 12:47 AM [111570437604823023]
> (0) comments

The time is 4:07 a.m. The place is outside the lounge on the floor I live on. I told myself four hours ago that I would begin work and so far

Nothing.

I need to write two 250-word essays by 2 p.m. 500 words does not take long to type. Hell, I've already got over 70 with the completion of this sentence and it only took me about three minutes to type. At this rate it should take me somewhere between 5 and 27 hours to complete my assignment because what I'm writing at this very moment has very little to do with what I should be writing.

Third Eye Blind once posed the question, "Can I graduate?" I too would like to ask that question but without screaming it to musical accompaniment.

Actually that's not entirely fair. I have actually quite enjoyed college. I would be perfectly fine with just moving on from my freshman year in which I have learned little and accomplished even less.

Students entering their first year of college this coming fall: beware. Your randomly selected roommate may very well call Satan's asshole his or her hometown. If this is the case and you are not hell-spawn yourself, prepare yourself for long sleepless nights wondering if this will be the night your roomie decides to crack open your head and feast on your brains.

You will probably come back to your room some night to find a combination lock you do not know the combination to on a chain wrapped around the hinges of your door in order to prevent you from closing the door without your roommate's permission.

Your roommate will probably also wear all black and communicate with you exclusively via slamming your the door very loudly in the morning to wake you up.

At least that's how my roommate was. I expect it's part of the first-year experience so learn to enjoy it!

Hey! Here's a treat! If you hurry over to my dorm right now, you might be able to catch some of the draw-droppingly beautiful sounds emanating from my floor's bathroom at this very moment! Or you can order my CD, Sounds of the Dorm Bathroom Part I: Food Poisoning and Alcohol. It features my personal favorite track, Barfing in B-Minor.

I could begin to think about what I might write my essays on, but I've still got several more hours of procrastinating I haven't completed. I better get on that.

> KC 4:07 AM [111467855463052671]
> (0) comments

CNN makes my life.

I would add funny commentary, but I just don't think it's necessary.

> Abby 4:31 PM [111454758619771933]
> (0) comments

Below is a list of words that you would not have found on netslackers had you done a search on the site prior to this post.

-Cheese
-Busty
-Funtastic
-Testicle

The point is that there's a lot of ground we haven't covered yet here at netslackers. Two years and not a single comment about testicles. Or even a testicle.

For shame.

> KC 4:49 PM [111096048096499103]
> (0) comments

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, all of God's creatures, great and small, and you atheists, agnostics, and other such godless heathens,

Today, I, netslackers' Pope, received the sad news of my death. Tragic, indeed, would this event be, had it in fact taken place. However, I sit here today to reassure you that it was not I who perished atop that lonely tower in the Vatican on Saturday night, but rather my stunt double, George III, who has been in place since 1977, when I decided that I could better serve God from a secluded bunker on a remote Pacific island, where the ocean sparkles in the gentle breezes and the fountains flow with fresh pina coladas. Having determined that it was my saintly duty to scour this stronghold of the Devil for the forces of Satan, who ever lurk in the hideaways of a tropical paradise, I packed my floral print swimming trunks and set off. I am pleased today to report that, not only am I alive and safe within my secluded pineapple grove, but, owing to a small, but ferocious holy war I have waged for decades against the only other occupants of the island, a small, but savage breed of guinea pig, this island is now 100% godly. Let it be a light unto others.

George III was a good stunt double. He practiced the Popely wave until his shoulder ached and his fingers could not longer bend. He proudly bore the beanie of office and never once complained that it made him look like a slightly rounded Q-tip. On his brave headed rested the tall, pointed hat of authority, upon the sight of which many an enemy of God was struck dumb and rooted to the spot, either with surpassing awe or the uncontrollable giggles. That the world today mourns for his loss is indeed appropriate. However, we must keep in mind that he is not me, and therefore show a little perspective in our grief.

His death obligates me to resume those duties of Popedom that I so heavily shrugged off for a rugged lifestyle in the field lo those many years ago. My first order shall be to relocate the Vatican--in fact, make that the entire nation of Italy--to my island fortress. It would simply be too much of a hassle to have to figure out a way to ship my deck chair and impressive collection of exotic beverages back to Europe.

Secondly, I hereby forbid the development of peace, freedom, and democracy across the world. I feel as though the Vatican has been too long a slave to the old ways, and it is time that we took our rhetoric in an exciting new direction. It's the only way to hook the youth vote. Therefore, from now on, it will be nothing but discord, repression, and tyranny. I would tell you more, but under the last edict, I don't think I have to.

> Abby 3:06 PM [111255662324731336]
> (0) comments

Let's face it... netslackers is dead.

I know. We're all sad about it, but we've got to suck it up. Try to be men about it. That's the way netslackers would have wanted it.

It's a shame really. All that intensive labor that helped make it what it was. The sweat and tears we poured into it. The semen someone dumped in as a practical joke. It was all there... there until the bitter end.

I think it's safe to say that netslackers led a decent, honest life. It served the community - first as a minister, then as a rabbi, and finally - in a truly awe-inspiring twist that nobody saw coming - as a website. Not many can say they've transcended the mortal realm to become a part of the information superhighway.

I'm not going to lie. It wasn't a painless death. netslackers died alone and neglected; huddled together with a couple of middle-aged prostitutes in an alley for warmth, not sexual pleasure. We weren't there for netslackers when it needed us most. For that I am truly sorry.

We can't all be saints or charismatic leaders. Some of us can only hope to imitate our heroes sufficiently enough to be confused for good people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that netslackers was an inspiration to us all. From Gandhi to Stalin, everyone found a little piece of netslackers to latch onto and say, "Hey! That's what I want to be!"

If no one has any final words or insight they can shed on the life of netslackers, it's time to lower the casket.

Oh God! It's not dead! Did you fuckers see that shit?! It burst right out of the ground! Grab that shovel! Beat it over the head! For fuck's sake, someone stop it before it reaches the graveyard gates! No! NO! You don't want me! I'm just a writer! Take Abby! Take Branden! IT'S NOT MY FAULT WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! How were we supposed to know I'd write in you again?!

What? Oh. I thought you were out for revenge. Yeah, I guess you're right. The fact that I'm writing in you should have clued me in that you were not, in fact, dead. How did I screw that one up? Hmm. Something to ponder. Well look, you can go on being pissed or you can just fucking forgive me already. Yes, I'm aware I just buried you underground while you were still alive. People fuck up sometimes. It's part of life. Jesus, I'm only human.

Stop... stop yelling! We're in a graveyard for Christ's sake, show some respect. There are dead people here trying to get their eternal rest on and you won't shut the hell up. It was a few pounds of dirt. Hell, you saw how easy it was to get out of. Actually that's a good point. Remind me to demand my money back on that coffin tomorrow. The funeral parlor assured me nothing would ever get in or out of that thing and yet there you fucking go waltzing out of it like you're MacGyver with a fucking pencil sharpener or something.

Look, don't get angry, all I'm saying is I want my money back. What do you mean? Hey, we did the best we could, alright? I know you wanted some kind of clergy up there, but we couldn't find anyone to hold the service on such short notice besides myself. I mean you died rather abruptly. Don't you have to book a priest like a year in advance? Oh, you're right. How stupid of me. I was thinking of weddings.

Ok, I concede, some mistakes were made, but that doesn't matter now. We may have been a bit hasty about burying you and it was probably a tad rash of me to call for people to beat you over the head with a shovel. But it's all water under the bridge, right? I mean remember that time you got ketchup on my new shirt and I said, "Hey, forget about it" and I hardly ever brought it up again? See? You gotta learn to forgive.

I thought you'd see it my way. The important thing is you're here with us now. Here with family that cares about you. What do ya say we get you home and into some clean clothes? Huh, champ? Yea, let's go to my house. We sold yours. Oh, and your wife is dating again. Hey! HEY! Water under the bridge, remember? Stop crying or I really will hit you with this shovel, bitch! That's what I thought.

We missed you man.

> KC 5:12 AM [111044985733457445]
> (2) comments