> netslackers <

No death, life! Life! LIFE!
-- Sunday, April 03, 2005 --

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, all of God's creatures, great and small, and you atheists, agnostics, and other such godless heathens,

Today, I, netslackers' Pope, received the sad news of my death. Tragic, indeed, would this event be, had it in fact taken place. However, I sit here today to reassure you that it was not I who perished atop that lonely tower in the Vatican on Saturday night, but rather my stunt double, George III, who has been in place since 1977, when I decided that I could better serve God from a secluded bunker on a remote Pacific island, where the ocean sparkles in the gentle breezes and the fountains flow with fresh pina coladas. Having determined that it was my saintly duty to scour this stronghold of the Devil for the forces of Satan, who ever lurk in the hideaways of a tropical paradise, I packed my floral print swimming trunks and set off. I am pleased today to report that, not only am I alive and safe within my secluded pineapple grove, but, owing to a small, but ferocious holy war I have waged for decades against the only other occupants of the island, a small, but savage breed of guinea pig, this island is now 100% godly. Let it be a light unto others.

George III was a good stunt double. He practiced the Popely wave until his shoulder ached and his fingers could not longer bend. He proudly bore the beanie of office and never once complained that it made him look like a slightly rounded Q-tip. On his brave headed rested the tall, pointed hat of authority, upon the sight of which many an enemy of God was struck dumb and rooted to the spot, either with surpassing awe or the uncontrollable giggles. That the world today mourns for his loss is indeed appropriate. However, we must keep in mind that he is not me, and therefore show a little perspective in our grief.

His death obligates me to resume those duties of Popedom that I so heavily shrugged off for a rugged lifestyle in the field lo those many years ago. My first order shall be to relocate the Vatican--in fact, make that the entire nation of Italy--to my island fortress. It would simply be too much of a hassle to have to figure out a way to ship my deck chair and impressive collection of exotic beverages back to Europe.

Secondly, I hereby forbid the development of peace, freedom, and democracy across the world. I feel as though the Vatican has been too long a slave to the old ways, and it is time that we took our rhetoric in an exciting new direction. It's the only way to hook the youth vote. Therefore, from now on, it will be nothing but discord, repression, and tyranny. I would tell you more, but under the last edict, I don't think I have to.

> Abby 3:06 PM [111255662324731336]
>