> netslackers <

inter-space relations
-- Tuesday, May 10, 2005 --

Let me say first that I am not a big fan of Star Wars. Sure those first three (the last three... whatever) are pretty entertaining, but Episodes I and II seemed rather forced, as though George Lucas had taken a massive dump, strung all the feces together and looped them through a film projector. I realize that was not the most pleasant of images. I have this disgusting thought now stuck in my head of him sitting down on the throne to drop the ewoks off at the pool. It makes me wonder if he ever says anything witty when the first one dives in. You know something corny like, "Woah boy! I felt a disturbance in the force!"

Anyway, I was looking at Google News when I noticed publicity pictures for the new movie had been released. I was curious to see if they'd have a picture of Hayden Christensen doing his damnedest to look sinister like a kid who listens to Linkin Park and thinks he's badass, so I clicked on the link. It was your standard stuff. Nothing particularly interesting... and then I saw it. I found myself wondering if Star Wars had an extended edition or if maybe I had missed some subtle hints you only notice if you watch the movies a second time. Certainly nothing I had seen explained the family tree I was looking at (click for larger).

Needless to say, I was stunned. When did Han Solo and Princess Leia give birth to Chewie? Was that in one of the books? Was it possible my parents had skipped over that part of the movie when I was 6-years-old and watched it with them?

Well at least I could stomach that. Maybe she had given birth to one ugly-ass baby, but at least it wasn't.... wait a second... what the fuck is that?...

What could that line possibly mean? I showed it to a friend hoping she could shed some light on the situation.

Jes: i feel like they didn't know how to make a family tree
Jes: the lines actually do mean something
KC: yea. they mean yoda likes the jungle love

Had I answered my own question? Did Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson really get it on? Was there a whole love sub-context written into the dialogue? I asked a second friend.

KC: when did we find out yoda was humping sam jackson?
Trip: episode 2
KC: oh, it's one of those movie secrets where you have to go frame by frame?
Trip: yeah... they squeezed it in one of the more boring scenes so most people dont notice

George Lucas is a clever clever man. He knew how much everyone but the most devoted Star Wars fans would hate Episode II so he added a little something he thought the rest of us would enjoy. Unfortunately, I was unable to track down a screen capture so I asked Trip to supply me with an MS Paint artist's rendition of the intimate alien love ritual he swears took place.

BE WARNED! This image may be disturbing to younger viewers... or actually anyone who isn't a sick fuck:

You can't make this stuff up folks. I urge you to rent a copy of Episode II and see for yourself. We can't let Lucas get away with making space porn and peddling it to children. Let's put an end to this today. Yoda is not a sex puppet and no one wants to see Jackson's dick on widescreen. Let's write our congressmen and tell them we think this is wrong!

FYI: I swear to Christ anyone who found this site by searching for "Star Wars Sex" will be served a castration fitting for Sin City.

> KC 12:47 AM [111570437604823023]
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