netslackers

The year is 2008

2008-02-29T01:58:00.002-05:00

Good lord. Is this the world's ugliest website or what?

What was I thinking?

Probably that I didn't want to spend a whole lot of time making it look pretty because I was lazy. I like the world leader pictures, though. Those are nice.

I told Abby we needed to resurrect this again. She didn't respond.

Are you still alive, Abby? I noticed you still list this as one of your websites on Facebook.

That's got to count for something.

For all I know, Chris lives in Spain or on the moon now. I talked to him yesterday for the first time in a long time and man is he an asshole these days.

Ok, not really, but I think it would be cool if our blog took off in the direction of the newest TMNT movie. You know, like how the four turtles (there are four of us, too!) kind of drifted apart over the years, but then they had to get back together and fight evil?

I thought we could do that too.

Yeah, that would be awesome.

Adventures ahoy

2006-07-03T11:12:00.000-04:00

Being currently in Russia, I've done something incredibly hip and created a blog which I update (and yes, more often than I update netslackers) about some of my adventures. If you are interested (and I will take it personally if you are not), you can reach it at www.i-smile-and-nod.blogspot.com. I like comments. Really.

no, no it isn't

2006-05-17T14:52:00.000-04:00

Ha ha! I see through KC's ruse! If our readers will remember back to the faithful day when he last posted news of netslackers demise (see March 2005: "more death. this time no taxes"), KC's dire predictions sparked a flurry of posting that lasted all the way through the summer and gave us memorable accounts of such important events as the Pope's death, the release of Star Wars III: Revenge of the Whiny Adolescent, and the closeted sexual relationship between Mace Windu and Yoda. Some of these things we wish to forget: the Star Wars prequels pretty much sucked more than a sucking thing has ever sucked before. Others we have already forgotten. But the point is, that KC's scare tactics will never again trick us into posting. Never, I tell you, never! Netslackers is dead! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh fuck.

is this goodbye?

2006-05-15T20:56:00.000-04:00

Possibly yes.

[Edit] My mistake. I did not mean to imply suicide. Just self mutilation. I kid!

Really though, I'm going to kill myself.

Haha! Gotchya!

Seriously though, netslackers is in trouble. There is a serious lack of caring going on here, and I'm not the one to fix it. I'm pointing my gun at the screen now. I don't want to do this, but someone has to put the site down.

Wait, I forgot bullets and I'm much too lazy to find a Wal-Mart right now.

Oh well, guess we'll let you live a little longer.

the magic of theatre

2005-07-21T16:11:00.000-04:00

I am stage managing a show. It eats my life. You should come see it, or I'll feed your babies to my plants.

Grand Hotel

July 22, 23, 29, and 30 at 8 p.m.
August 5 and 6 at 8 p.m.
July 31 at 2 p.m.

Tickets are $9 for students, $7 for adults.

Quince Orchard High School
15800 Quince Orchard Road
Gaithersburg, MD 20878

I realize that this is in the middle of nowhere, but I am also firmly convinced that you have nothing better to do. So, come and make my life worthwhile.

Neither rain, nor snow, nor mortal wound...

2005-06-08T16:33:00.000-04:00

At long last, all the characteristics of a dedicated employee of the U.S. Postal Service and a Navy SEAL have been combined in the soul of one man. He is ready to deliver your package at any time to any location regardless of inclement weather, physical impossibility, or enemy fire. And if that package just happens to be pizza, in thirty minutes or less or it's free. We should all be like this man. Proud, hardworking, and fucking indestructible.

In a further news update, netslackers brings you further proof of society's losing battle with infinite regression. Actually, the article itself isn't that funny, but I find the title amusing. There's something very Far Side about the mental image it conjurs up. Nothing too clear, but it definitely involves strangely deformed human beings wearing lab coats and glasses that completely obscure their eyes and eating bananas and shooting dart guns at each other. The truth is out: Science is done. Liberty, equality, subjectivity, or death!

But for God's sake, what about the chickens?

just bag it

2005-06-06T01:19:00.000-04:00

The following conversation actually occurred. You can have it unfold in real time if you read it aloud.

KC: Hey dad, why do we have two types of trash bags?

Rex: Some are indoor and some are outdoor. There are small and white ones and big and black ones.

KC: [Awkward silence]

Rex: Just like people.

KC: [Horrified and stunned pause followed by awkward silence]

Yes. My dad really does go by the name "Rex." He is not a dinosaur or a dog. If one were to throw him a Frisbee, he would make no attempt to catch it with his mouth. I've tried. Nothing. Not even when I throw it at his face.

Coming back from school has had its pluses and minuses. Hearing my dear old pa make a penis joke probably falls under the negative.

Abuse the Force, George.

2005-05-19T12:49:00.000-04:00

And then but did Abby and her faithful dozen, including he that should be called KC, though KC beith not his name, but that abbreviation to which he doth partake, and that shortening to KC seemeth pleasing, for it is said that KC is that which he should be called, did do perilous journey nigh into Rockville, where, through means swift and divergent, yet though involving three hours standing in line, did they look upon that which he who is George Lucas deem fit to call Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. But in the first hour or so did it be as Star Wars II: Attack of the Bad Puns, but then, even as he who is called Anakin Skywalker but whom we know secretly to be nought but Hayden Christensen in a robe of amusing semblence develop unnatural colored contact lenses and begin to lay waste about him with his saber of strangley solid and apparently sharp light, did we in the audience feel fit to say, lo, this movie doth not suck.

So, as you may have gathered by the above (or not gathered and just read with ever increasing confusion and bewilderment, which is almost the same thing as gathered, except entirely the opposite), I, along with several others, including KC (that which it is he is to be called), went to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith last night (slash this morning...whatever). And it surprised us all by not sucking. Well, sort of. The first half sucked as most of the prequels do, and for awhile there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth. But then they brought in some neat special effects and it got better. It is not cooincidental, I think, that the good-o-meter of this movie rises in an inverse relationship to the amount of time people spend talking.

So, since the movie itself is pretty neatly divided into a good half and a bad half (or, as I like to refer to them, the dark side and the light side, because I'm incorrigibly clever like that), I feel like I can legimitately present my opinions in equally black-and-white (slash light and dark) wording. Thus, The Top 10 Things to Like About Star Wars III and the Top 10 Things to Hate About It. I may run out of things to talk about before I reach ten in either category, but life is empty without a little risk. Also, many of my opinions are probably much less evenly categorized into the good/bad columns then they'll appear here. So you'll never know if what I'm saying is actually what I think or just a cunning ruse to fill out 10 bullet points. This, folks is life on the edge. Finally, there are likely to be spoilers. Probably of the variety of "Anakin goes evil!" type, but since I haven't written the list yet, I can't be sure. Obviously, I'll be far too lazy at the end of it all to go back and edit this to let you know how specific I get. But that's the way it goes. So, either go cry about it, or read on. Or just, I dunno, walk away and eat lunch, that's also a viable option. I'd do it.

Top 10 Things to Like About Star Wars III

10. No speaking lines for Jar Jar Binks (+50 billion pts.)
I feel like there is no need to further clarify why this is a good thing. If you don't understand, then you probably don't deserve to live.

9. Hayden Christensen does his best to be hot. I salute the effort, if not the overwhelming success. He manages to prance around without a shirt for a good few minutes, which is far superior to the prancing around without a shirt Amidala does for large portions of Star Wars II: Attack of the Underaged Naked Girl. The Force also rejoiced with the loss of both his and Obi-Wan's rattail. For though this takes place long, long ago, 90s hairdos are still not allowed to be in style. It's not Hayden's fault that he just doesn't look good with burns covering 90 percent of his body. It's a tough condition for any modeling job.

8. George Lucas seems to finally recognize that he is sublimely ridiculous. I don't know what it is about this film, but it felt like a lot of the corniness and horribleness of the opening was self-referential, like Lucas actually knew that people would laugh at how utterly stupid so much of what happens is, and he may as well ham it up. Attack of the Suckiness is just as bad, but it seems so much more sincere, which makes it even more painful.

7. Nobody's skin, at any point in the preceedings, is compared to sand. That this is a step up is a sign of just how low my standards have been set.

6. Ewan McGregor. What can I say, rattail or not, the man is a beast. He also does a mean Alec Guiness impersonation.

5. George Lucas scrambling around trying to tie up ends of the plot so that they make sense in the next three films is hilarious. My favorite example is the bit at the end where Yoda takes Obi Wan aside and is like, "By the way, Qui Jon figured out a way to come back from the dead. Let me show you how." You never even see anyone actually do it. It's like George Lucas wrote the entire script, shot the entire movie, and then realized, "Shit, I have no way of explaining how characters keep developing nifty blue bodies in the next trilogy. Uhh...insert random snippet of dialogue! No time to make it fit in with rest of the scene! No more budget left for special effects! Just film it, damnit, they'll buy it." On a scale of one to subtle, this is not one of the bits that registers.
Sidenote: For an alternate explanation of the cool blue body phenomenon, try this.

4. Some parts of the movie (much of what happens after Anakin's official conversion to Evil) are genuinely good, not just amusingly-bad good. Some are actually moving. I won't get more specific, even though it probably wouldn't matter if I did, because you should know this stuff, but sometimes I have these impulses to be a good person. They are quickly quashed, but there nonetheless.

3. Light sabers. Pretty. When used in battle, much resembling of rave lights, except for the bit where they slash people in half. I've never had a rave light do that to me. The point is, lightsaber battles are fun, and this film has them in spades. Like I said before, most of the last half of the film is fighting, largely without dialogue, and you can bet that George Lucas was probably least involved with the fight choreography above everything else, and that pretty much means that the movie gets better, cause Lucas is often somewhat of a dumbass.

2. My personal favorite line: "I sense a plot against the Jedi Council in the Force." This is great. It cracked me up for a good ten minutes. Nobody ever senses something this specific in the Force. Ever. Alderan was completely destroyed, and all Obi Wan got was a twinge. You sense great darkness in the Force. You sense a disturbance in the Force. You do not sense any kind of direct idea of the plot in the Force. It's like sensing that your spinach puffs are burning in the oven in the Force. Doesn't happpen.

1. At one point, Obi Wan calls George Bush a Sith Lord. That basically makes the entire movie worth it for me. I really want to hear the White House response: "We understand that George Bush has never, to our knowledge, used his fear and anger to channel the forces of Darkness and strangle White House aides with his powers. We command George Lucas to either provide substantive evidence of the existence of his fictional 'Darth Dubya,' or completely withdraw all allegations."

As a sidenote, meaning I've run out of bullet points, and top eleven or twelve lists just aren't done, Yoda can be quite funny. He is also never, at any point in the movie, involved in a disturbing sexual relationship with Mace. The film's complete lack of kinky puppet sex is definitely +infinity points.

And on we go to

Top 10 Things to Hate About Star Wars III

10. Jar Jar Binks. Silent, but still there, in an alarming extreme close-up. I feel like this is Lucas standing sulkily on the sidelines being like, "Well I like him." Wrong again, George. Wrong again. Doubleplus ungood. Minus 80 trillion points.

9. Some people in this movie have been known to be good in other movies. Others have been known to suck in other movies. Still others just haven't been in other movies, so it's hard to say. Whatever their resume, many people try to act. Few of them succeed. They should stop it and get to the fighting, already.

8. Once again, we are repeatedly and painfully bludgeoned over the head with the fact that Lucas cannot write dialogue to save his life or the lives of any small woodland creatures under his protection. Many of the scenes are nought but people going, "I love you more." "No, I love you more." "No, I love you infinity." "Damn, you got me." Actually, the dialogue in the original trilogy is equally sucky (well, not equally. No one in the original trilogy is compared to sand, either). I hesitate to say that Mark Hamil may just be a better actor than people in these films, because that's probably a lie, but at least he's more sincere sounding. Hayden Christensen, not so much. Sweetie, let your evilly colored contact lenses do your acting for you and shut up. We'll all be better for it.

7. On a similar note, Lucas is a bad director (you may have gathered this from previous comments). He has no sense of pacing within a scene or within the movie as a whole. Many scenes just end at what feels like a random moment- nothing has been resolved, there is probably more dialogue to be said, aaahhhh, incoming wipe transition, run away, run away! He also can't milk a moment. You sort of get the idea that he knows when one is there, he just doesn't know what to do with it, like men and spatulas (actually, that doesn't make any sense, but spatula is a funny word). For example, the first time we hear the Darth Vader breath is a Moment. It should last longer than five seconds. We should at least hear two or three deep breaths in silence before being whisked away to something less interesting.

6. Scenes with no purpose. This movie is already 2.5 hours long. Cut them. Especially if they involve Queen Hairdo and the Man-shaped Angst Machine. Then not only cut them, but burn the original prints.

5. I like the lightsaber battles. They are cool. But they all look alike. Everybody has the same fighting style, and while they are all equally nice to look at, they don't develop anything new as the movie goes on. One in particular is also filmed in such extreme close up that all you get is a lot of whirling lights. Many epileptics died to bring you this film.

4. R2D2: Battle bot. What the fuck. When did R2D2 develop rocket boosters? Did he just not feel like using them in episodes four through six? I feel like the transformers music should have been playing the background.
On that note, Lucas is just a little too excited about some of his nifty computerized abilities. This shows up a lot in the lightsaber battles as well, in that there seems to have been a great decline in lightsaber skills somewhere in between episodes 3 and 4. Obi Wan got old, maybe Darth's evil cape hampers his mobility, but Luke is just not impressive compared to the most meager of Jedi in the prequels. They're massacreing armies while he's having trouble with the wompa bats on Dagobah.
Also, many of the non-spaceship special effects are just terrible. Any time people get cg stunt doubles, it's like a big neon sign flashes in the corner of the screen going, "Press x to jump, o to fire your blaster, and triple triangle up down sideways to beat the boss at the end of level five."

3. Amidala used to have purpose. It wasn't all that interesting, but she did stuff. She was a senator. She senitized. Here, she does nothing. Nothing. She is totally lame and useless. She hangs around her apartment. She wears funny hairdos. At one point, she doesn't wear nearly enough clothing, despite being pregnant. Mostly she cries a lot. Yay Natalie Portman. You can cry on cue. Good for you. Out of my movie.

2. Characters are overwhelmingly stupid. It's crucial to the plot, for whatever reason, that Anakin and Amidala's marriage be secret. Dunno why, but they seem to feel it's necessary. Why, then, are they obviously sharing an apartment in the city, making out on the balcony, and getting each other pregnant? (Ok, not each other, per se, but that would have definitely made for a more interesting movie.) And why does no one seem to notice that Amidala is pregnant? At one point, someone says, "We have to save the babies!" and this random senator looks over with this look of confusion and says "Babies?" like an obviously pregnant woman was not RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM! What, did they think she'd been hitting the buffet line particuarly hard in the last few weeks?

1. Darth Vader's voice was not meant to be used to say things like, "Where is Padme? Is she alright?" It is meant to be used to say things like, "Die now" and "I find your lack of faith disturbing, general," followed by the imminent strangling of a displeasing underling. It is not to be abused by having him cry out "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" in pain, because it will not sound heartrending, it will sound stupid. And it does. Lord, but it does.

Once again out of bullet points. I feel like I should mention that George Lucas has a thing about dismembered hands, because EVERYONE at some point loses theirs. You win in Star Wars if you come through with your lightsaber arm intact. It's effective when it shows a disturbing parallel between Luke and Vader. It's ineffective when most of the Jedi nation is keeping the market in artificial limbs afloat.

Um. That is all.

inter-space relations

2005-05-10T00:47:00.000-04:00

Let me say first that I am not a big fan of Star Wars. Sure those first three (the last three... whatever) are pretty entertaining, but Episodes I and II seemed rather forced, as though George Lucas had taken a massive dump, strung all the feces together and looped them through a film projector. I realize that was not the most pleasant of images. I have this disgusting thought now stuck in my head of him sitting down on the throne to drop the ewoks off at the pool. It makes me wonder if he ever says anything witty when the first one dives in. You know something corny like, "Woah boy! I felt a disturbance in the force!"

Anyway, I was looking at Google News when I noticed publicity pictures for the new movie had been released. I was curious to see if they'd have a picture of Hayden Christensen doing his damnedest to look sinister like a kid who listens to Linkin Park and thinks he's badass, so I clicked on the link. It was your standard stuff. Nothing particularly interesting... and then I saw it. I found myself wondering if Star Wars had an extended edition or if maybe I had missed some subtle hints you only notice if you watch the movies a second time. Certainly nothing I had seen explained the family tree I was looking at (click for larger).

Needless to say, I was stunned. When did Han Solo and Princess Leia give birth to Chewie? Was that in one of the books? Was it possible my parents had skipped over that part of the movie when I was 6-years-old and watched it with them?

Well at least I could stomach that. Maybe she had given birth to one ugly-ass baby, but at least it wasn't.... wait a second... what the fuck is that?...

What could that line possibly mean? I showed it to a friend hoping she could shed some light on the situation.

Jes: i feel like they didn't know how to make a family tree
Jes: the lines actually do mean something
KC: yea. they mean yoda likes the jungle love

Had I answered my own question? Did Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson really get it on? Was there a whole love sub-context written into the dialogue? I asked a second friend.

KC: when did we find out yoda was humping sam jackson?
Trip: episode 2
KC: oh, it's one of those movie secrets where you have to go frame by frame?
Trip: yeah... they squeezed it in one of the more boring scenes so most people dont notice

George Lucas is a clever clever man. He knew how much everyone but the most devoted Star Wars fans would hate Episode II so he added a little something he thought the rest of us would enjoy. Unfortunately, I was unable to track down a screen capture so I asked Trip to supply me with an MS Paint artist's rendition of the intimate alien love ritual he swears took place.

BE WARNED! This image may be disturbing to younger viewers... or actually anyone who isn't a sick fuck:

You can't make this stuff up folks. I urge you to rent a copy of Episode II and see for yourself. We can't let Lucas get away with making space porn and peddling it to children. Let's put an end to this today. Yoda is not a sex puppet and no one wants to see Jackson's dick on widescreen. Let's write our congressmen and tell them we think this is wrong!

FYI: I swear to Christ anyone who found this site by searching for "Star Wars Sex" will be served a castration fitting for Sin City.

"At slow speed we all seem focused"

2005-05-06T23:49:00.000-04:00

I've not made a post in quite some while and for the sake of convenience I'll blame Cornell's workload because as far as everyone else knows, it is horrendous and I have no reason to soften that reputation. I might as well walk out of college being considered somewhat academically hardcore.

This week actually, though, has been ridiculously crazy; what with having 3 papers due within 3 days, getting about as many hours of sleep in those 3 days, watching the most emotionally intense episodes of 24 and the OC ever, sitting amazed at the Wizards' inability to close things out without drama and so much more. Whatev - now, classes are over and at Cornell the end of class means one thing: Slope Day.

According to Cornell, "Slope Day is the traditional end of the year celebration held on the last day of classes in the spring semester, this year on May 6, 2005. The name Slope Day derives from “Libe” or “Library” Slope, where the event is held each year. There is a long history of a spring time gathering here at Cornell University , dating back through various shapes and forms, to “Spring Day” in 1901." This definition doesn't quite capture the event, though, because it leaves out the mention of alcohol, which is quite key, as on this day practically everyone on the aforementioned slope is, in the words of the famous 18th century Enlightenment poet J-Kwon, "gettin' tipsy."

To try to promote a non-alcohol environment, though, Cornell has tried to regulate the day by bringing in musicians, food, etc. In its infinite wisdom, Cornell, which even Rolling Stone found the space to point out, approved this year's headliner to be Snoop Dogg, whom, as we all know, heavily encourages a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle, as evidenced by the massive blunt he was holding on stage today.

Overall, the day was incredibly surreal, and I will tell you why. To begin with, I was, as far as I could tell, about the only sober person on the entire slope. Thus, as I walked around, none of my conversations were quite normal and I was getting bumped into about as much as I do when I engage in games of football (and this has nothing to do with it being a contact sport, just that I normally play football with Magnet friends from high school who tend to not be able to run in straight lines... but, I kid! Wait, no one else actually reads this, so no kid). Secondly, soon after I arrived, the Game, who was on stage at the time, yelled "ITHACA, MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING NOISE!" Typical stage banter, yes, but then I thought about it -- one of the world's top-selling rap artists was yelling at a rural, upstate New York town to make some "motherfucking noise." I found it amusing. I should move on.

Not long after the Game departed from the stage, I was walking around the upper part of the slope trying to find a new set of friends to hang out with as each time I found some friends, they tended to wander off in a drunken haze. During this particular walk, I noticed a pick-up game of football. Then, I noticed cameras. The Game (and some of his posse, who are noticeably distinct from the average Cornell student, I must say) was playing pickup football with some Cornell students and I don't think most people noticed as I think most people were too drunk to be cognizant of anything more than their need to pee. Standing a foot or so away from a rap star playing football with a bunch of awkward-looking Ivy League students did nothing to detract from the day's dream-like qualities.

However, nothing could top the weirdness that was the performance of the one and only Snoop Dogg. While some may have protested against Snoop for being absolutely repugnant when singing about women and others attacked his cavalier attitude towards drugs, I doubt there could be a more perfect Slope Day act. I do not like rap very much, but I like Snoop Dogg. This attitude, I believe, is widely shared. Snoop Dogg has become a novelty hard to top. He went from someone parents feared due to a murder trial to one likeable dude who appears on TV all the time saying things that end in "izzle" and who is normally comically stoned -- his music is mostly irrelevant to most people. That being said, I sat through one and a half hours of Snoop just to hear "Drop it like it's hot." And he sure did drop that song like it's hot (I now feel the urge to write for Entertainment Weekly) after one of the oddest sets ever, which included an odd sequence in which his DJ just played two Notorious BIG songs, a Tupac song, then a few songs later, a Mario song, none of which Snoop did anything during. Perhaps I don't get rap concerts.

In the end, the day can best be summed up by the sound of "meh." Perhaps, if Kelly Clarkson had been there, I would be more psyched right now. Snoop Dogg just doesn't have anything to top "Since U Been Gone" (which works for me on so many levels) and thus, I can only wait with anticipation to the possibility she will be there next year.

this is not my homework assignment

2005-04-28T04:07:00.000-04:00

The time is 4:07 a.m. The place is outside the lounge on the floor I live on. I told myself four hours ago that I would begin work and so far

Nothing.

I need to write two 250-word essays by 2 p.m. 500 words does not take long to type. Hell, I've already got over 70 with the completion of this sentence and it only took me about three minutes to type. At this rate it should take me somewhere between 5 and 27 hours to complete my assignment because what I'm writing at this very moment has very little to do with what I should be writing.

Third Eye Blind once posed the question, "Can I graduate?" I too would like to ask that question but without screaming it to musical accompaniment.

Actually that's not entirely fair. I have actually quite enjoyed college. I would be perfectly fine with just moving on from my freshman year in which I have learned little and accomplished even less.

Students entering their first year of college this coming fall: beware. Your randomly selected roommate may very well call Satan's asshole his or her hometown. If this is the case and you are not hell-spawn yourself, prepare yourself for long sleepless nights wondering if this will be the night your roomie decides to crack open your head and feast on your brains.

You will probably come back to your room some night to find a combination lock you do not know the combination to on a chain wrapped around the hinges of your door in order to prevent you from closing the door without your roommate's permission.

Your roommate will probably also wear all black and communicate with you exclusively via slamming your the door very loudly in the morning to wake you up.

At least that's how my roommate was. I expect it's part of the first-year experience so learn to enjoy it!

Hey! Here's a treat! If you hurry over to my dorm right now, you might be able to catch some of the draw-droppingly beautiful sounds emanating from my floor's bathroom at this very moment! Or you can order my CD, Sounds of the Dorm Bathroom Part I: Food Poisoning and Alcohol. It features my personal favorite track, Barfing in B-Minor.

I could begin to think about what I might write my essays on, but I've still got several more hours of procrastinating I haven't completed. I better get on that.

Oh give me a home...

2005-04-26T16:31:00.000-04:00

CNN makes my life.

I would add funny commentary, but I just don't think it's necessary.

you wish i was funny

2005-04-11T16:49:00.000-04:00

Below is a list of words that you would not have found on netslackers had you done a search on the site prior to this post.

-Cheese
-Busty
-Funtastic
-Testicle

The point is that there's a lot of ground we haven't covered yet here at netslackers. Two years and not a single comment about testicles. Or even a testicle.

For shame.

No death, life! Life! LIFE!

2005-04-03T15:06:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, all of God's creatures, great and small, and you atheists, agnostics, and other such godless heathens,

Today, I, netslackers' Pope, received the sad news of my death. Tragic, indeed, would this event be, had it in fact taken place. However, I sit here today to reassure you that it was not I who perished atop that lonely tower in the Vatican on Saturday night, but rather my stunt double, George III, who has been in place since 1977, when I decided that I could better serve God from a secluded bunker on a remote Pacific island, where the ocean sparkles in the gentle breezes and the fountains flow with fresh pina coladas. Having determined that it was my saintly duty to scour this stronghold of the Devil for the forces of Satan, who ever lurk in the hideaways of a tropical paradise, I packed my floral print swimming trunks and set off. I am pleased today to report that, not only am I alive and safe within my secluded pineapple grove, but, owing to a small, but ferocious holy war I have waged for decades against the only other occupants of the island, a small, but savage breed of guinea pig, this island is now 100% godly. Let it be a light unto others.

George III was a good stunt double. He practiced the Popely wave until his shoulder ached and his fingers could not longer bend. He proudly bore the beanie of office and never once complained that it made him look like a slightly rounded Q-tip. On his brave headed rested the tall, pointed hat of authority, upon the sight of which many an enemy of God was struck dumb and rooted to the spot, either with surpassing awe or the uncontrollable giggles. That the world today mourns for his loss is indeed appropriate. However, we must keep in mind that he is not me, and therefore show a little perspective in our grief.

His death obligates me to resume those duties of Popedom that I so heavily shrugged off for a rugged lifestyle in the field lo those many years ago. My first order shall be to relocate the Vatican--in fact, make that the entire nation of Italy--to my island fortress. It would simply be too much of a hassle to have to figure out a way to ship my deck chair and impressive collection of exotic beverages back to Europe.

Secondly, I hereby forbid the development of peace, freedom, and democracy across the world. I feel as though the Vatican has been too long a slave to the old ways, and it is time that we took our rhetoric in an exciting new direction. It's the only way to hook the youth vote. Therefore, from now on, it will be nothing but discord, repression, and tyranny. I would tell you more, but under the last edict, I don't think I have to.

more death. this time no taxes

2005-03-10T05:12:00.000-05:00

Let's face it... netslackers is dead.

I know. We're all sad about it, but we've got to suck it up. Try to be men about it. That's the way netslackers would have wanted it.

It's a shame really. All that intensive labor that helped make it what it was. The sweat and tears we poured into it. The semen someone dumped in as a practical joke. It was all there... there until the bitter end.

I think it's safe to say that netslackers led a decent, honest life. It served the community - first as a minister, then as a rabbi, and finally - in a truly awe-inspiring twist that nobody saw coming - as a website. Not many can say they've transcended the mortal realm to become a part of the information superhighway.

I'm not going to lie. It wasn't a painless death. netslackers died alone and neglected; huddled together with a couple of middle-aged prostitutes in an alley for warmth, not sexual pleasure. We weren't there for netslackers when it needed us most. For that I am truly sorry.

We can't all be saints or charismatic leaders. Some of us can only hope to imitate our heroes sufficiently enough to be confused for good people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that netslackers was an inspiration to us all. From Gandhi to Stalin, everyone found a little piece of netslackers to latch onto and say, "Hey! That's what I want to be!"

If no one has any final words or insight they can shed on the life of netslackers, it's time to lower the casket.

Oh God! It's not dead! Did you fuckers see that shit?! It burst right out of the ground! Grab that shovel! Beat it over the head! For fuck's sake, someone stop it before it reaches the graveyard gates! No! NO! You don't want me! I'm just a writer! Take Abby! Take Branden! IT'S NOT MY FAULT WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! How were we supposed to know I'd write in you again?!

What? Oh. I thought you were out for revenge. Yeah, I guess you're right. The fact that I'm writing in you should have clued me in that you were not, in fact, dead. How did I screw that one up? Hmm. Something to ponder. Well look, you can go on being pissed or you can just fucking forgive me already. Yes, I'm aware I just buried you underground while you were still alive. People fuck up sometimes. It's part of life. Jesus, I'm only human.

Stop... stop yelling! We're in a graveyard for Christ's sake, show some respect. There are dead people here trying to get their eternal rest on and you won't shut the hell up. It was a few pounds of dirt. Hell, you saw how easy it was to get out of. Actually that's a good point. Remind me to demand my money back on that coffin tomorrow. The funeral parlor assured me nothing would ever get in or out of that thing and yet there you fucking go waltzing out of it like you're MacGyver with a fucking pencil sharpener or something.

Look, don't get angry, all I'm saying is I want my money back. What do you mean? Hey, we did the best we could, alright? I know you wanted some kind of clergy up there, but we couldn't find anyone to hold the service on such short notice besides myself. I mean you died rather abruptly. Don't you have to book a priest like a year in advance? Oh, you're right. How stupid of me. I was thinking of weddings.

Ok, I concede, some mistakes were made, but that doesn't matter now. We may have been a bit hasty about burying you and it was probably a tad rash of me to call for people to beat you over the head with a shovel. But it's all water under the bridge, right? I mean remember that time you got ketchup on my new shirt and I said, "Hey, forget about it" and I hardly ever brought it up again? See? You gotta learn to forgive.

I thought you'd see it my way. The important thing is you're here with us now. Here with family that cares about you. What do ya say we get you home and into some clean clothes? Huh, champ? Yea, let's go to my house. We sold yours. Oh, and your wife is dating again. Hey! HEY! Water under the bridge, remember? Stop crying or I really will hit you with this shovel, bitch! That's what I thought.

We missed you man.

Death and Taxes

2004-11-29T16:50:00.000-05:00

My economics teacher died this morning.

My first thought upon hearing the news was, "Is my term paper still due?"

Netslackers: Now bringing you the gradual erosion of Abby's moral soul.

Ha mangiato pizza

2004-10-20T18:34:00.000-04:00

Ah college, the supposed place of intellectual grandeur. A place, one would assume, where there is no busy work. Yet, here I sit procastinating about an hour and a half's worth of Italian homework that one could misplace for 9th grade fare. Do we get new, exciting innovations in our Italian worksheets? No, just figuring out to plug in blanks saying "Mario was eating pizza" as opposed to last week, which was "Mario is eating pizza." Perhaps it is the nature of language classes in general. Whatever the case, despite the fact I have a huge exam, I had no choice but to procrastinate my Italian homework and surf the Internet for two hours non-stop. The facets of high school are such a distant memory, but an everpresent reality.

But, during the long time I spent perusing the web, I was fascinated to find a surprisingly large number of people get to big moco searching my name in search engines, that ESPN ranks Orioles' pitchers in half of the best ALCS pitching performances ever and that the SCO mock election does not like third parties, as opposed to the Cornell mock election, which I found out existed several minutes ago. Perhaps, by giving me this busywork, Cornell was truly guiding me on the path to knowledge... Internet-related knowledge. I am again content. I am still not approaching Italian work.

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned from my First Semester at College

2004-10-08T01:53:00.000-04:00

Valuable lessons:

1. Don't feed the plants
2. Little Red Riding Hood: A Story of Small Children, Woodland Wildlife, and Date Rape
3. Crime and Punishment: A Story of Small Children, Urban Wildlife, and Date Rape
4. Hobgoblins beat the orcs and took their lunch money
5. You can't have sex with a bull, even if you slip it GHB
7. Food is no substitute for pizza
8. Poland: stalwart ally of the west
9. Gravity works

Numerical college:

Number of classes: 4
Number of credits: 4.5
Number of meals per week: 20
Number of meals wanted per week: 21
Number of closets: 4
Number of private bathrooms connected to my dormroom: 2
Number of cockroach souls sent to that great, big, cockroach resting place in the sky under the iron heel of my flip-flop: 4
Number of known cockroaches at large: 1
Number of foam swords in my dorm: Many
Number of samurai swords in my dorm: 2
Number of samurai in my dorm: 4
Number of foam-sword wielding samurai in my dorm: All of them
Number of days I'll be home on fall vacation starting Saturday: 7

You knew it was all leading up to something. Netslackers are back again on the prowl in the Greater Washington area, where the Metro is bountiful, the strip malls are above average, and most importantly, the laundry is free. Oh, and friends. Friends are good, too. So if I know you and don't hate you and aren't repulsed by your political views and/or smell (these two often work in tandem), come by and chill. It'll be fun. I'll bring the bongo drums.

Goodbye To You!

2004-08-23T08:32:00.000-04:00

It saddens me that I'll rarely, if ever, see most of you or anyone else from "back in the day," as I like to call it. As we all move on to bigger & better things, perhaps I should share what I'm doing. For the next few months I'm working for ACT, America Coming Together as a database programmer. My function will be to assist people who know stuff extract the information they need from this massive demographic database. Basicaly I'm enabling the democrats to knock on doors and harass people!

With that in mind, I'm staying just about right where I am for the time being.

Blood! Murder! Intrigue! Theatre!

2004-07-11T01:34:00.000-04:00

So there you are. Sitting at your computer. Gazing blankly at the screen. Eyes glazed over, mind turned to mystery meat, brain oozing out your ears. A fine way to spend your summer vacation. Well, close your mouth and wipe that drool off your chin, because the time has come for that annual venture into the great outdoors. Worry not! You won't be exposed to natural light for long enough to ruin that unhealthy pallor you've been cultivating in front of your PS2 all summer--just long enough to get to your car to drive out into the great blue, white, and asphalted wonder to see...

Sweeney Todd

From Wildwood Summer Theatre, the same people who brought you Chicago last year, comes a show with an even higher body count. Sweeney Todd is about a barber who cuts customer's throats and sends their body to the sausage lady downstairs, who bakes them into sausages and sells them to the unwary. A great show for vegans, vegetarians, the lactose intolerant, people of all dietary restrictions,

Sweeney Todd

will be playing at Quince Orchard High School on July 23, 24, 30, 31 and August 6 and 7 at 7:30 p.m., with a 1:30 matinee on August 1. Tickets are $9 for adults, $7 for students and seniors. But Abby! You say. I live in civilized country! I've never seen a cow. I don't know where Quince Orchard is! Not to fret. 15800 Quince Orchard Rd. Gaithersburg, MD 20878 is the place, and Mapquest.com is the way to get there. But Abby! You cry. I am broke and without funds and thus will not be able to revel in your theatrical splendor. Well, I suggest you do one of two things: A) Rob a bank or B) Sell cheap drugs. But do it quickly, cause the curtain goes up in two weeks. I'll be running the lightboard, fellow Netslacker-in-arms Chris is doing sound and there are other Blair/Montgomery County high school people scattered throughout the production. For more information go to the WST homepage. For a nifty promotional poster go here. For up-to-the-minute news, traffic, and weather, go to CNN.com, cause we can't help you. But for everything else, from saving babies from runaway shopping carts to planning a trip into the Amazon to cheap and violent musical theatre, Wildwood is your place.

Meanwhile... KC, well-known netslackers personality and parttime superhero has succumbed to the world of webcomic addiction. He recomends this wackiness for your viewing pleasure. Here's what renowned reviewers have to say on the subject:

plaidgonzo: much like the book i am now reading, but without the militant feminist undertones
AND
plaidgonzo: i feel as though if i read more of this, i will become stupid
MJbites: i like 20
plaidgonzo: but we've already established that you're dumb

To be fair, it's actually fairly amusing. But this is better.

In other news... We have another reader! This illustrious fellow has this to say about netslackers:

SamTheMan1116: bangup job
SamTheMan1116: bangup job, indeed

Thanks, man. It's all for you.

"I'm just a little anxious to get up there and whup E.T.'s ass."

2004-07-04T22:20:00.000-04:00

Most Americans families have traditions for holidays. For these families, July 4 is a definite must to celebrate. Many families go on vacations, many have barbeques, and even more go watch fireworks. My family… does nothing. We don't watch parades, and, actually, it would be an amazingly different July 4 if we somehow ventured outside. Thus, I've had to come up with my own July 4 tradition over the years. This tradition is watching "Independence Day" on Fox. So, you're probably thinking, "Branden, you are a pathetic loser" not only because a) you are sitting alone watching a movie on July 4, but also, b) that movie is "Independence Day." Now, you may actually have some fondness for this movie, but probably not a 'watch every year' fondness. But, I think, for the reasons stated below, it is the perfect movie.

Before I begin stating reasons why "Independence Day" is one of the most awesomest movies ever, I must admit the tradition almost came to the end, for not only was "Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century" on, but "Goldfinger" was as well. But, a careful consideration of the merits of "Independence Day," my doubt was obliterated… much like the alien ships in the movie.

REASONS "INDEPENDENCE DAY" ROCKS:
- Cheesy, yet EXCELLENT, lines: When I was 9, repeating the line "welcome to Earth" never got old… and well, it's still awesome.
- President Whitmore: Is there a better president than President Whitmore? He flies planes; he had a crime bill, albeit mentioned briefly; and he delivers the best speech ever… "And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!"" Classic. I would vote for this man.
- Dork hero: The fact that the man who was responsible for figuring out how to save the world was a nerdy engineer always gave me hope.
- Lots of stuff gets blown up.

I did have more reasons, but I shall stop this entry now because I have to go to work tomorrow since I, unlike most Americans, do not get a three-day weekend.

EmpSg59: well, someone needs to make a new post on netslackers

2004-06-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

EmpSg59: fine, I'll write a new post tonight
EmpSg59: depending on my boredom level
plaidgonzo: we could just post this conversation
plaidgonzo: just to show that we were thinking about maybe posting
plaidgonzo: and call it a post
EmpSg59: yes
plaidgonzo: then ignore netslackers again for a month
EmpSg59: kc's done it
plaidgonzo: drat
EmpSg59: no, you see, kc is the model of awesome-ness, according to kc
EmpSg59: so, we should do it, too
plaidgonzo: oh, ok then
plaidgonzo: it's a plan
EmpSg59: and an awesome plan at that
plaidgonzo: is it as awesome as kc, though?
plaidgonzo: on a scale of one to awesome, where do you rank the plan?
plaidgonzo: and where do you rank kc?
EmpSg59: the plan is at around... 14, at about the same level as the cinematic awesomeness of "you got served"
EmpSg59: kc is at ... 4.5
EmpSg59: because I like decimals
EmpSg59: and 5.5 would just be absurd
plaidgonzo: wow
plaidgonzo: kc falls from grace
plaidgonzo: the plan conquers all!
EmpSg59: it really truly does
EmpSg59: as I made the numbers, I tried to think how the plan compared relative to kc
EmpSg59: and he just can't compare
EmpSg59: I mean, after all, WE came up with the plan
plaidgonzo: it's all in the height
plaidgonzo: combined, we're like, at least 1.5 times kc's height
plaidgonzo: it's like running for president
plaidgonzo: together, we're taller. and have better hair.
plaidgonzo: no contest
EmpSg59: I'd put us at at least 1.76 times taller, though
EmpSg59: ... I just wanted to use decimals again
plaidgonzo: wacky fun

Oh snap (ple)! It's happened again to the netslackers world!

2004-06-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

It was about two weeks ago that Abby came to the netslackers readers with a quandry over which college to attend. I, not having to make such a decision, laughed and merely told her to go to the easier college. But, after returning from graduation, I discovered I had been let in off a waitlist at a college, to be referred to, with much originality, as "B," which I would have originally gone to if given the choice. I have, however, become quite attached to the college that I committed to on May 1, a certain college "A." A large amount of this loyalty is derived from the fact that I bought a tee-shirt from this college, but it also stems from the fact I've already told many people I am off to college "A," and they would be confused if I don't get there. This situation, loyal readers, gives me a tough decision, and an opportunity to copy Abby! HA!

Ready... list time!

Advantages:

College A:
-If I were to judge by what people there wore when I visited, it seems like they might give out Ralph Lauren clothing for free! It's Everywhere... JOY!
-In one of the best college towns in America
-Awesome weather
-I own a tee shirt with the college name on the front

College B:
-Campus is gorges (HAR!)
-In one of the best college towns in America
-Best college food in America

Disadvantages:

College A:
-If I were to judge by what people there wore when I visited, it seems like they might give out Ralph Lauren clothing for free! It's Everywhere... JOY!
-Everyone thinks college is in "hickstown"

College B:
-A tad bit... cold. Wait... make that overwhelmingly cold
-It's hard to play frisbee if my hand is frozen to the frisbee

Now, you netslackers readers had little influence over Abby's decision, but you have anohter shot now. GO!

snoWatch: summer edition

2004-05-28T04:54:00.000-04:00

There’s no doubt about it. When it comes to predicting snowfall, the Silver Chips Online Weather Team is number one. Over the course of a year, the snoWatch gurus managed to correctly project when school would be canceled nearly half of 50% of the time. Now, due to gross plagiarism of National Weather Service press releases and complete ignorance of anything related to the science of weatherology, Branden Buehler and KC Costanzo have been fired. Before the weather team disbands, however, netslackers is more-or-less proud to present snoWatch: Summer Edition.

Here’s what weather.com is predicting:

June

» Average high: 84 degrees

» 15% chance of scantily clad cute neighbor mowing the lawn

» 80% chance of scantily clad middle-aged hairy neighbor mowing the lawn

» 0% chance of light wintry mix

July

» Average high: 89 degrees

» Possible snow accumulation: 0.1 inches (+/- 0.1 margin of error)

August

» Average high: 87 degrees
» 0% chance of Silver Chips Online-owned van with snoWatch painted on the side becoming a reality . . . . unless you fund it! Send money to:
Save the van project
51 University Blvd. East
Silver Spring, MD 20901
(Only unmarked bills accepted)

» According to the people who know about this stuff: “Blub." - Frosty the Snowman

Chips’ best guess: 100% chance of closure, 100% chance of at least a two-hour delay. MCPS is always on the lookout for signs of a surprise snowstorm such as an unanticipated drop in the temperature, an overcast sky, or the sudden formation of ice cubes in the freezer. Any of these provides the superintendent with justification for shutting down the schools indefinitely or at least until an opportunity to win an award presents itself. With this in mind, you would think school would be open all summer, but it seems likely that school will be cancelled anyway. Sure, it will be sunny. Sure, there will be warm weather. But Superintendent Jerry Weast has already booked a long cruise in the Bahamas, and there’s no way he’s going to cancel it just so you can get another 2.5 months of free education.

snoWatch discussion: Imagine you lived in an area where it was so cold that when you spit, your spit froze in midair. If you sent a video of such an incident to a television station claiming you were “Ice Man," a superhero blessed with the ability to subdue criminals with projectile frozen water, would they believe you?

whenever you need me i'll be there

2004-05-24T01:49:00.000-04:00

Normally I would respond to a fellow netslacker's message by obnoxiously adding a side note within the text of their preexisting post. Today I felt my obnoxiousness overflowing and decided my mean-spirited answer deserved a post of its own.

Abby - I would love to pretend I cared where you went to college, but alas, that would be dishonest and I feel our friendship is built on trust. If I were to break that trust, the foundation of our amicable relationship would crumble like something that crumbles really fast.

So please, fall backwards into the the trust circle and then onto the ground because no one is going to catch you (OUCH! That was harsh! What did she do to deserve that one? Um, I'll wait for her to do something mean to me and then I will claim I went back in time to seek revenge for it prior to the event actually happening. There, how's that sound? Confusing? Who am I addressing in these parenthetical comments and why am I asking so many questions? The world may never know).

Wait wait. That was entirely too mean . . . and yet I'm too tired to care. I'll reflect back on this negatively in the morning, don't you worry.

In conclusion, Abby, I have five words of advice for you (possibly six depending on whether the last word is actually two): Trust me on the sunscreen.

You should probably go back down and read Abby's post now because if you don't, she will probably beat me with her hurty stick of pain and no one wants that. Especially Abby's neighbors who complain her torture techniques are much too loud.