> netslackers <

-- Monday, April 28, 2003 --

In the previous update, Chris unveiled a riveting story of cunning and bravery in the face of the faults of mankind.

I was glued to my seat. It's a true page-turner . . . except without pages . . . or turning.

Chris, have your people call mine. Let's do lunch. I want the movie rights to this blockbuster in the making.

You want your name in neon letters? A star in Hollywood? I'll get you there, babe (yes, I just called you "babe." You can punch me later).

This is going to be the biggest hit in theaters next year. We'll spend a week, maybe two, whipping up a script. We could start by providing the "Grandma" character with a love interest and adding action sequences (I envision a shark or maybe a rabid monkey living in the trunk and attacking your brother). Then we can begin casting.

How about this? Keanu Reeves as the enigmatic father, Martin Lawrence as the grandma (he was terrific in Big Mama’s House), the Olsen twins as the Mulligan brothers (we’ll just slap mustaches on them or something), and Christopher Walken as the evil AAA mob boss.

I’ve got the papers ready. All I need is your signature and three million dollars to get started.

It’s history in the making I tell you!

> KC 7:08 PM [93428164]
> (0) comments

"Go home and die."

Bush gave a State of the Union address a while ago and now it's been deciphered. So that's what he meant.

There's also an animated version.

Other links to check out
-CurveBall: It's pong in 3D. I've seen several versions of this, but this is the only one that's any good (meaning it's the only version I've found where I can score any points).



-HoldTheButton: The dumbest game . . . ever. You'll see what I mean.

-Saddam Rap (need RealPlayer): I found this a while ago but never posted it. It's a parody of Gangsta's Paradise thought to be backed by the CIA. I'm really ashamed to say this came from the US of A. I mean for God's sake . . . we couldn't find a real rapper to write lyrics and rap for this parody?! Here's a small tidbit: "My days are finished and I will die - all I need is chilli fries." Wow. And you thought Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer were as bad as it could get (scroll threw that link . . .they're both there).

In other news: The NFL Draft was today. Apparently someone forgot to tell the Vikings about the time limit to pick a player. They went down two picks because no one got off their ass from the team to tell the commissioner who they were selecting. Good job.

Wondering what happened to the parody updates? Well, um, I haven't gotten around to it. I'll let you know though. Maybe.


> KC 2:26 AM [93332236]
> (0) comments

Today I thought I'd explore the terrifying world of parodies.

If you've ever logged onto the Internet, no doubt you've stumbled upon more than your fair share of parodies. You forward them to your friends who in turn forward them to their friends who in turn forward them back to you. By about the eighth time you've received that hi-larious link to a picture of President Bush in a "PlasterCard" ad with a caption that reads something like, "Having a dad that used to be President -- Priceless," you're about ready to hurl the nearest heavy and preferably breakable item at the monitor. Yes, it was funny. But it doesn't quite have the same appeal once your inbox is filled with messages titled, "Re: LOL!!!!11 Funny Picture of 'President' Bush!!!"

With this in mind, I'd like to bring a few "fresh" parodies to the table. Note: I'd also like to point out that I realize I'm typing a lot of text in "quotes." This is to make my writing appear more "sophisticated."

I must warn you, these parodies are not remotely funny. They're all stupefying obvious and/or badly executed. Over the next several days, weeks, or months (depending on how often I update) I'll hook you, the reader, up with horrible puns and tasteless jokes that some how pass for parodies on the Internet. So fasten your seatbelts because you're in for a very unpleasant ride.

Case Study 1: Ghettopoly
It was bound to happen eventually. In fact, I'm not sure it hasn't been done before. I'm talking about a Monopoly game board featuring the various highlights of the ghetto rather than of the corporate world. That's right, now instead of buying Boardwalk you can purchase Ling Ling's Massage Parlour or Smitty's XXX Peepshow. Ghettopoly is endorsed by popular entertainer "Rusta Rhyme" (you know, Rusta Rhyme, Busta Rhyme's semi-retarded younger brother) who informs us "da game is ill." Unfortunately, the game can accommodate only "2 to 7 Playas" so don't have your whole posse over on a Friday night to play because there simply won't be enough game pieces.



Here, word for word and typos intact, is how Ghettopoly.com describes the game:

Buying stolen properties, pimpin hoes, building crack houses and projects, paying protection fees and getting car jacked are some of the elements of the game. Not dope enough?...If you don't have the money that you own to the loan shark you might just land yourself in da Emergency Room.

That's right folks, if you fail to pay off your fake debts with fake money, especially if you "own" a lot to someone, you just might end up in the intensive care unit of your local hospital.

Contents: Game Board, Loan Shark Tray, 40 Crack Houses, 17 Projects, Pink Slip Cards, Ghetto Stash and Hustle Cards, 7 Game pieces (Pimp, Hoe, 40 oz, Machine Gun, Marijuana Leaf, Basket Ball and Crack), Counterfeit Money, and 2 Dice.

What? You didn't know basket ball was two words? It amazes me how ignorant today's youth is. Oh, and, excuse me, but I believe The Onion once pointed out that the politically correct term is "crack home."

Well, that's all for now. If you've found a horrible parody on the Internet and you feel the men and women of the world have a right to know about it so they can studiously avoid all links leading to said parody, let us know.


> KC 2:00 AM [92823513]
> (0) comments

Time for another edition of . . .

Random Links

First off, we have a clone of the old helicopter game. This one (How Far Can You Go?) is done in Flash and the graphics are a touch better. I played it for about ten minutes and so far my high score is 1073. Drop a line if you beat it.



And today's second and last link of the day is b3ta.com. It's British so you might encounter funny spelling and strange expressions that we don't have in our language (Americanish). At any rate, it's some sort of community that exists via message board. The people who run the site harvest the various Photoshop images from the board and stick the best ones up on the front page. There are some pretty funny pictures and others are just interesting. It's pretty much the English SomethingAwful.com.

They recently hosted a competition featuring bad super heros. Here are a couple of the results:


I'm too lazy to write more, but expect a few more updates during the week.

> KC 12:35 AM [92515514]
> (0) comments

Here it is . . . the championship preview.

Silver Chips Online NCAA championship breakdown

Kansas (30-7) vs. Syracuse (29-5)
Tip-off 9:18 pm on CBS

The trends
If you look at Duke’s performance in the Sweet 16 recently, Kansas should lose this game. It seems like apples and oranges, but look at the facts. Since 2000, each time Duke has lost in the NCAA Tournament, the team that beat it has gone on to play in the championship game. In this case it’s Kansas. The last two times, however, the team that knocked Duke off has itself fallen in the championship game (Florida lost to Michigan St. in 2000 and Indiana lost to Maryland in 2002). That’s just coincidence, but the fact that Kansas coach Roy Williams finally beat Duke means more. He was 0-3 against the Blue Devils in the Tournament and one of those losses included his only other trip to the title game.

Syracuse also has a few trends it needs to buck. Like Williams, Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim has never won it all. He’s been coaching for 27 years and been to the final game twice, but came up short both times. The first time Boeheim led the Orangemen to the championship game, it happened to be in New Orleans, the site of this year’s championship. Syracuse came up with one point less than Indiana that year and went home without the trophy.
__________________________________

SCOop on Kansas
Kansas obliterated Marquette in the Final Four on Saturday. The game was so lopsided that the Jayhawks were up by 40 briefly and went on to win by 33. Marquette had previously pounded tournament-favorite Kentucky and looked to be on a role. Kansas put an end to that notion early and squashed all attempts at a comeback. Even Golden Eagles star Dwyane Wade had trouble coming up with an answer for the tough Kansas defense.

Sophomore Aaron Miles had 18 points, double his scoring average and two points less than his season high. His big performance spells good things for the Kansas offense – as if it needed the help. Nick Collison, perhaps the Jayhawks’ best player, had just 12 points but ripped 15 rebounds out of the air and Keith Langford had his biggest tournament game to date with 23 points on 11 for 14 shooting. Kirk Heinrich chipped in with 18 points of his own.

Overall: An explosive offense coupled with the great senior leadership makes the Jayhawks a tough out.
__________________________________

SCOop on Syracuse
Syracuse may not have pounded its opponent, but it still came away with a convincing win over a number one seed. Though the Orangemen failed to take away the passing lanes for T.J. Ford (he had a season high 13 assists) they did take away his scoring options. He had just eight shots and converted only three of them for 12 points.

The Syracuse players did indeed have the breakout games discussed in the Final Four breakdown. Carmelo Anthony, as expected, led the way with a career high 33 points and a tournament high 14 rebounds. He seemed to score at will, making head fakes that threw his defenders off and afforded him wide open looks at the basket. Another freshman, Gerry McNamara, scored 19 points and went 3 for 8 from beyond the arc, including one amazing shot with a hand in his face. Hakim Warrick also came up with his tournament best in points with 18 and nabbed 7 rebounds.

Overall: Syracuse has a legitimate shot at the title this year if it can get at least an average performance out of Anthony and one or two other players step up again.
__________________________________

Best guess
You can’t say it enough: Senior leadership wins championships. Michigan State had Mateen Cleaves in 2000, Duke had Shane Battier in 2001, and Maryland had Juan Dixon in 2002. And Kansas? They’ve got Collison and Heinrich. We’ve picked the Jayhawks to lose twice now and would have picked them to go out three times had we done an Elite Eight preview. We’ve finally come to our senses after the Jayhawks notified the world it would be taking New Orleans by storm against Marquette. Sure Syracuse can still win it, but when you have to rely on as many freshmen as Boeheim does, you’re going to have to contend with some butterflies during the game. The Orangemen can’t afford to be queasy because, as the Jayhawks have show us, Kansas is capable of getting the knockout punch early.


> KC 9:18 PM [92187820]
> (0) comments

And then there was nothing

Yeah, unfortunately, the cable company caught on, and we're back to a gazillion channels of HBO, but no more Arabic Art Channel. *sniff* Oh well, I still get some stuff, like Turner Classic Movies that we didn't get before. And I still have Space Cadet Pinball, which is threatening to take over my life.

Come see West Side Story.............

> Abby 11:24 PM [91959963]
> (0) comments

The Return of the Dead-i

I'm baaaaack....

Ok, so life's been busy, what with West Side Story (which rocks the world and it's socks, by the way), swim, homework, and getting thoroughly rained on at peace protests. But now, there is news so exciting, that it must be shared with the world.

I have high-speed internet access.

Whee!

Not only do I have high-speed internet access (which is a good thing, because previously my computer ran at approximately the speed of a slug on ritalin), but I also have windows xp, a dvd player and cd burner on my computer, and 3D Space Cadet Pinball! 3D SPACE CADET PINBALL! How the fuck did I ever live without it?

But wait, folks, there's more.

The computer package comes with a tv upgrade. Now, normally this would just mean all of our channels would get switched around and we'd get a spiffy new remote control. The upgrade also comes with 3 free months of like a bazillion hbo channels. Now, normally, this is more inconvinient then exciting. But the installation guy was a little rushed, and screwed up. So now we have a bazillion free channels of hbo, and FULL DIGITAL FUCKING CABLE for 3 months. This includes every channel ever invented and few that were hovering around in other dimensions. So now, I get to watch all of those movies that I couldn't before, and, of course, I also have access to the Arabic Art Channel. Just like every well-stocked home of the new millenium should.

So I broke in the new equipment by watching Max Keeble's Big Move commercial free. Man, is that some quality cinema, or what.

So, yeah, basically my life is complete. This totally makes up for the fact that we had diet pasta for dinner tonight (you wouldn't think it was possible. You would be wrong).

Oh yeah, come see West Side Story. This friday and saturday (april 4 and 5) at 7:30 in the auditorium. We sold out last weekend, so come early. Bring friends. Bring family. Bring your pet gerbil.

> Abby 7:34 PM [91805864]
> (0) comments