> netslackers <

-- Monday, March 29, 2004 --

Feelin' groovy...

Today is a good day.

• I implemented my cunning plans to escape the dark lair of Satan (i.e. AP Lit), brandishing a hall pass like the crucifix itself and calling, "Back, Demon spawn! Release me from your damnéd grasp!" Blinded by the light of my permission slip, Satan stumbled back in agony, allowing me to make my escape. Then they took blood from me and gave me goldfish and cookies.
  
• I made an obscene amount of money for two hours of strolling, reading, making tea, and puzzling out third grade math problems (tricky stuff).
  
• Mmmm... nap.
  
• Tufts wants to bear my children

All of this is mitigated by the fact that the Tufts website is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

But I'm not complaining.

> Abby 10:20 PM [108061682670304835]
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Hee.

It's 1:52 a.m. Not that I have anything better to do.

> Abby 1:53 AM [108028403479340612]
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Yes, this is my super hot girlfriend. How have I managed to keep her with me for almost nine months now? It's a little something I like to call "THE PITTY ATTACK." When I get the feeling she's losing interest in me, I sink into a fake depression and threaten suicide. It works every time.

Some of you may not be as good at "THE PITTY ATTACK" as I am. To such people I say practice makes perfect. Try it on your disobedient dog first. Command it to sit. When it completely ignores you, begin crying uncontrollably and seemingly inconsolably. If you find you can't make yourself cry, try stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork. Assuming your dog has any sense of decency whatsoever, it will immediately sit down in front of you because of its overwhelming sense of guilt. Or perhaps it's just relaxing to enjoy the entertainment you provide flopping around on the floor as you slip on your own tears, much as you yourself park your lard-ass in front of the television for reruns of whatever TV show it is where people do something similar to that.

If you have any questions about "THE PITTY ATTACK," direct them to Branden and Chris. They have far more experience in it than I do.

> KC 8:51 PM [108000671531259399]
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Hmmmm. Keep this up and we may have to change our name to netsometimestheypostoknotthatofteners.

Moving on...

I have found a new way to do nothing and shoot penguins while I'm doing it. It's amazing how many games there are involving Total Penguin Destruction out on the Internet. And a few with just Mild Penguin Discomfort. And I will play them all.

Or you could try the cows.

> Abby 9:04 PM [107905704991512043]
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The Red Balloon is widely considered a work of art without equal. Actually, I could be making that up. I’ve never heard anyone say one way or the other whether they like the film. I’m just assuming someone out there enjoyed it because it has been shown in schools across the country roughly eight billion times. Or so I’m told. Again, I don’t really know. I don’t actually look these things up. I enjoy pulling big, juicy facts directly out of my ass and plopping them down right here on this webpage for everyone to marvel at. Don’t question my motivation; research is for the uncreative.

So, as I was saying, The Red Balloon was one totally bitchin’ flick. I was moved to tears when the balloon was ritualistically killed by samurai assassins at the end. It ranks right up there on the tear-jerker list with the moving death row scene in Old Yeller when the dog is put down via lethal injection for a murder he didn’t commit.

If you haven’t seen this action-packed drama before, let me give you a summary. There’s a boy. He finds a red balloon. The boy walks around with the balloon. Then, in a move hailed by art critics as an act of God, the boy proceeds to run with the balloon. To keep the audience from becoming over stimulated and to prevent seizures caused by sheer excitement, the boy goes back to walking around with the balloon. Then he starts talking to the balloon because the director was injecting himself with heroin and smoking two joints with his nostrils while on the set. A bunch of stuff no one really cares about happens and the balloon begins to stalk the boy all around France while remaining just out of his reach. Some more stuff happens and then everyone decides it would be a good idea to attack the boy repeatedly because, well, he’s always got that fucking red balloon and frankly it’s starting to piss people off. Long story short, the balloon gets popped and the boy looks really sad until something magical happens: a whole shit-load of balloons swarm around him, apparently angry he let their friend die. He decides the prudent course of action would be to grab a hold of the dozens of helium-filled balloons and ends up rocketing into the sky whereupon he presumably suffocates while in orbit above Earth.

Yes, a lovely movie to be sure. However, I still feel I should point out a few things the director goofed up on.

1. Balloons do not follow people.
2. Balloons do not travel in packs except when held by a vendor.
3. Balloons are not known to be cunning and rarely purposefully avoid being grabbed.
4. The actors spoke French or possibly gibberish. I’m not sure which.
5. The children wore disturbingly short shorts. This is immoral and also really dorky looking.
6. The boy kept having discussions with strangers and following them home. This sends the wrong message to our youngsters.
7. The director forgot to tell us what the fuck the point of the movie was.

Do I really need to have a meaningful conclusion for this? Probably, but I don’t care because I’m lazy. Yep, no motivational issues here.


> KC 8:46 PM [107905596156621316]
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It does not become because it is becoming, but it is in a state of becoming because it becomes.

Thank you, Socrates, for clearing that up.

Other Socratic conversational gems include:

If that which is holy is the same with that which is dear to God, and is loved because it is holy, then that which is dear to God would have been loved as being dear to God; but if that which dear to God is dear to him because loved by him, then that which is holy would have been holy because loved by him.

He has a beak, and long straight hair, and a beard which is ill grown.

As I perceive that you are lazy, I will myself endeavor to show you how you might instruct me in the nature of piety.

Ooooh, Euthyfro got owned.

Please to exert yourself.

Please to be speaking the English language. Wait, he was Greek. Nevermind.

To sum up:

B182bwb: if I was having a conversation with him... I'd freak out
plaidgonzo: if i was having a conversation with him, i'd freak out
plaidgonzo: cause i'd be dead
plaidgonzo: or on some very potent drugs
B182bwb: or you used a telephone booth
B182bwb: that can go through time
plaidgonzo: that wouldn't freak me out
plaidgonzo: that'd be hella tight

> Abby 8:15 PM [107896771570832713]
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So.

I was going to update. Really I was. Ages ago. Before the great KC madness spread o'er the web. And then blogger did it's best Gandalf/Dr. Smith imitation: "You Shall Not Pass!" The system forgot my password or something. And I couldn't be bothered to fix it. Until I did. Which was now. So now I'm posting.

Too bad I don't have anything to say.

I leave you to ponder this question, first posed to the world by Pinky and the Brain, the most brilliant show the WB was ever lucky enough to have grace it's lineup:

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep on doing it?

Think on it.

> Abby 7:58 PM [107888029882201490]
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[01:00] Dazi1881: KC stop making me laugh im to tired to laugh
[01:01] KC: i can't help it. i just bring the funny. you want the funny? you come to me. you can't find me? you can order the funny. ill rush deliver it. 1-3 business days not including holidays.
[01:03] Dazi1881: ok..that my friend was not funny
[01:03] Dazi1881: NIGHT
[01:03] *** Dazi1881 signed off at Sun Feb 29 01:03:22 2004.
[01:03] KC: shut down! OUCH!

Some would take rejection like the above hard. I, on the other hand, do not. Possibly because I am an android incapable of emotion and built for the sole purpose of eradicating the human race and possibly because I am a comedy God and therefore if you don't think I'm funny, you're going to the fiery pits of hell where Bob Jones and Pat Robertson will beat you with their Bibles until you pass out or agree to vote for George W. Bush in your next life.

Have you noticed that humor columnists and people who think they're funny use an inordinate amount of unnecessary vocabulary in order to beef up their word count and make sentences that really don?t serve a purpose seem hilariously funny just because of the sheer excess squeezed into the clause? For instance, the same thought is repeated over and over again throughout the course of a paragraph just so more loopy sentences can be manufactured with gratuitous, totally redundant phrases, disguising the fact that the author really doesn?t have a joke in mind.

Ad update: There are still no ads for pornography on netslackers. Instead, we have been burdened with marketing for hand dryers. You know, like the kind we've talked about several times on this very site. Oh wait, no we haven't. ("Experience a Lifetime of Savings with the most complete and affordable line of maintenance-free electric hand dryers." You know you want to get your hand on that SWEEEEEEET DR Series Model. I just quiver at the thought of having my hands dried by one of those beautiful monsters) Also, why, in Related Searches, does the term "Backstreet Boys Fan Fiction" sometimes appear? What have we done to piss Jesus and the Holy Ghost off so? Is there even an action that deserves a punishment so cruel?

Marvel at my god awful html skills.

In other news: Jumping out of window to win a bet is uncool. Just say no. However, jumping out of a window in order to win a bet and get an educator fired is totally awesome. Watch as teenage girls flock to your bedside at the hospital and worship you as the messiah for getting their geometry teacher suspended without pay. You would truly be the stud of your high school class and could finally distance yourself from those punks you used to hang out with in the Trench Coat Mafia.

Please note: I would like to bring your attention to the fact that there is now a post for the month of October, 2003 despite the fact that nothing was in fact written in October of 2003. Magic.

> KC 7:42 PM [107844734567385194]
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