> netslackers <

-- Sunday, May 25, 2003 --

I stumbled upon some old documents on my computer. Among them was one labled simply "ideas." In it I found the following (the text has been unedited): "Keep Your Helmet on Your Head."

There you have it folks. Next time you tell your child or younger brother to stick a helmet on when they're riding around the neighborhood, tell them to do it if not for themselves, then for KC Costanzo.

On a completely different note: I consider myself an aficionado when it comes to the word "dude." It's sad that I use this word but I like to think that it serves as a reminder, in case you should forget, that I am, in fact, one of the whitest men in America and as such, you should probably stand at least 12 feet away if you ever find yourself conversing with me to make sure you don't catch my ultra-white cooties. Below I've listed the various ways in which the word "dude" can be used in a sentence. It's almost as diverse a word as the ever popular f-word (I'm talking about "Fuck" but I'm not using it in case it offends anyone).

"Dude." - "Hey, look over here."
"Dude . . ." - "You're wrong and here's why."
"DUDE." - "That's really stupid."
"Dude!" - "That's really cool."
"dude." - "I'm tired, leave me alone."
"dUdE." - "That's really stupid, but I'm tired so leave me alone."
"dUDE." - "Hello, I am going through puberty."
"Dood." - "I am the typical American teenager who can't speak English."
"Dude.com" - "This is my witty Information-Age take on a popular saying."

"Dude" is a word appropriate for all conversations and settings as far as I'm concerned . . . . well, approriate in all cases except one. The word "dude" and the question "Where's my car?" should never be placed together as doing such opens up an intellectual void capable of sucking up all sentient life for miles. You have been warned, Hollywood. A sequel could mean the destruction of this entire nation.

Note: This list may be incorrect and should not be taken as the definitive grammatical authority on the word "dude."

> KC 2:04 AM [105384264150218322]
> (0) comments

I'll think about updating this later, but for now, draw your own conclusions on today's topic.

Sports that may never make it

Solo Synchronized Swimming
One-on-One Ultimate Frisbee
Four-a-Side Ping Pong
Full Contact Bowling
Touch Boxing
Outdoor Summer Ice Hockey
Roller Derby on Ice
Curling


> KC 6:44 PM [105364346834785942]
> (0) comments

Today I thought I'd show people the proper way to express amusement over the Internet.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT write "LOL." It's spells "lahl" and has absolutely no meaning. In addition, never write "ROFL" or "LMAO." These are not words in the English dictionary (though "LMAO" looks like something you'd get if a Hispanic married a Chinese dictator and "ROFL" is probably something Scooby would say when eating at IHOP).

Instead of using these lowbrow, everyday initials, use one of the following:

heh -- This is my personal favorite. When you read the word out loud, it sounds somewhat like a real laugh. This is good, especially if your friends are the types that have to hear themselves speak in order to read and sound out words.

hahaha -- This is perfect if you are trying to make it clear that the joke your buddy has just told you on AIM is HIIIILARIOUS and not merely hilarious.

MWUHAHAHA (alternately MWAHAHAHA) -- Are you a major force of evil striving for recognition of your status? Than this one is for you! Type up your sinister plans and punctuate your conclusion with one of these babies.

Well, that's all I've got. Now it's time to do the same thing I do every night . . . try to take over the world! MWUHAHAHAHA! (Note the extra "ha" for added effect)


> KC 7:56 PM [105347501063372417]
> (0) comments

My God! I finally wrote another article for Silver Chips Online! It's your lucky day!

So, here it is, my Matrix Reloaded review:

Reloaded rewrites sci-fi

It finally made it to theaters. The movie sci-fi nerds waited impatiently to plug into. The movie sophisticated snobs eagerly awaited because they wanted to catch glimpses of philosophical truths. The movie teenage girls held their breath for because a romantic love story (and some sketchy freak dancing) was reportedly part of the plot. And the movie the average Joe couldn't order tickets to fast enough just so he'd have an excuse to take his girlfriend into a darkened room. After a year of hype, finally it made it to theaters.

Whatever your reasons for going to see The Matrix Reloaded, you'll probably find what you want. Jam-packed with special effects that made jaws flop around on the floor like epileptic fish out of water and complimented by a plot that left even the most in-the-know audience members asking, “What just happened here?", you either walked away completely mesmerized, completely confused, or completely ready to dump the friends who dragged you along to see the movie.

The Matrix Reloaded is of course the first of two anxiously awaited sequels to the blockbuster hit from 1999. The movie centers around Neo (Keanu Reeves), the prophesied savior of mankind, and the people of Zion, the last human city, as they make preparations to head off an attack by machines bent on wiping out everyone who disconnects from the virtual world they built to keep humans in check.

The opening 60 minutes of the movie caused some people to wonder just what the Wachowski brothers, the enigmatic duo who wrote and directed the trilogy, thought they were doing. For instance, why was it necessary to have a sex scene that was at least five minutes long and interspersed with shots of the citizens of Zion getting down themselves in what is essentially a giant mosh pit?

Unfortunately, I can't answer that question and neither can I answer why Neo has to fight everyone he encounters instead of, say, using his powers of flight to avoid using his fists altogether.

It's true. If you were to watch only the first half of this movie, you'd be disappointed. Sure there are some amazing graphics and action sequences during that first hour, but the plot seems to be almost nonexistent. Neo is confronted by literally hundreds of bad guys and there never seems to be a reason why the encounters have to happen at the precise moments they do. It's almost as if the evil powers that be got bored and decided that, seeing as it was a lovely day outside, it might be nice to go find some people to beat up.

Grit your teeth and bear it because if you can tough out the opening, you're in for a treat.

First and foremost, there are the stunning visual effects that just might cause a few heads to spontaneously combust, so be careful and bring a bucket so you won't have to keep your brain in your lap. Reloaded features what could be the greatest car chase scene ever. The Wachowski brothers go full throttle with the eye candy on a freeway toward the end of the movie. The characters battle on top of trucks, smash and fly through cars, execute acrobatic leaps from motorcycles and even do a little bit of driving.

The special effects are an integral part of some of the new characters. Take for instance the Twins, an freakish pair of albino computer thugs with white, dreadlocked hair and white, shiny suits. The two, played by Neil and Adrian Rayment, periodically show up to carry our dirty work, often transforming into translucent, green-glowing apparitions that can float through walls and other objects. The agents, programs in the matrix meant to keep the system in order, also have a fair number of stunts.

Most of the characters that lived through the first movie take part in the action once again. Laurence Fishburne, who portrays the spiritual captain, Morpheus, and Carrie-Anne Moss, who plays Neo's high-kicking girlfriend, Trinity, both return for the good guys.

Fishburne is without a doubt the best actor of the returning trio from the Nebuchadnezzar (the Wachowski brothers' answer to George Lucas's Millenium Falcon). He makes it clear there's depth behind those black hole-like glasses he wears. And while the speech he delivers to the masses underground is far from the most stirring monologue ever written, he executes it admirably with all the emphasis and emotion of a televangelist except without asking for donations and without condemning his audience to eternal hellfire.

Fishburne is definitely one of the highlights of the film as far as acting is concerned, but his competition from the actors who portray characters on his side of the good/evil rift, is less than fierce. For instance, it's not hard to outperform Keanu Reeves. After all, this is the same guy whose career got jump-started when he landed the roll of Ted in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and whose southern accent in Devil's Advocate was about as consistent as Cher's hair color. Still, with that said, Reeves didn't detract from the film and even worked some intensity into his lines.

Of all the actors, Hugo Weaving delivers the most memorable performance. That's partially because he's playing the biggest, baddest villain since Darth Vader, but more importantly, he was perfectly cast for the part. Weaving's character, Agent Smith, is a renegade program in the matrix that's looking to get his revenge on Neo after their encounter in the first film. Weaving has some one-liners that compliment his character's personality perfectly and his exaggerated tone of voice and facial expressions make the crowd both chuckle and cringe. Couple his funny talk with the epic battles he and his clones engage in with Neo and you've got a great character.

All in all, this is by far the best film so far this year and it's only the setup for The Matrix Revolutions coming out in November. It's not for young kids both because of the massive doses of violence doled out and because of the sexual content, but if you're a teenager or older, go see it and keep an eye out for sneak preview of the next episode after the credits.


> KC 7:45 PM [105330150905614644]
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well, its been a while since i last posted. So here we go with another EXCITING UPDATE!

I just finished watching another one of those goddamn VH1 specials. I realize now that i have all these repressed memories of the late 80's/early 90's, and only through VH1 can i completely understand myself. Actually, considering that i had no real experience with pop culture until probably 1993 (at 8 years old...I heard 2pac on the radio going to Drew..snff) all these repressed memories are probably just being implanted in my brain by VH1. I mean, there's no way in hell i listened to Skid Row when they first came out, so why do i think it's old school to listen to them now? It doesn't bring back any real memories. Now ninja turtles. That's a different story. They should have their own channel.

> Anonymous 12:31 PM [105284347084839097]
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GODAMNITALLTOHELL!

I spent the better part of a long time writing up a post I personally thought was hysterically funny only to delete it in a freak accident that was either the result of an error that causes the words in the submission box to disappear when you tap the escape key or the result of God getting back at me for all those terrible things my friend said about him in the National Cathedral. If it was divine intervention, then God, I promise you, I will have my revenge on you. If it wasn't you, God, then I appologize and send my regards to Jesus or Buddah or whatever.

> KC 9:41 PM [105244449841889133]
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Grrr...

You know what I hate more than anything?! I hate anal retentive people who have nothing better to do than to go on Chips Online and correct typos in my stories! ::cough:: Chris ::cough::

On a different note, AP's stink like fermented manure. And what does "concantenation" mean?

> Abby 7:38 PM [105226431716156619]
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HEY HEY HEY!!! its ben silsbee! And i'm coming at you each and every week only on Netslackers! The best jokes! The worst pictures! Somewhat interesting anecdotes! And thanks to the power of the magical invention known as the Internet, you can be privy to it in your own home!

whats up guys. this'll be interesting to say the least. I'll see what i can do about the funniness content of my entries. Ok here's one. We were at CD/Game exchange yesterday, when Dan Curl bought an MC Hammer single (Can't touch this). At the register, the guy gave DAN a dime, and thanked him for "removing that filth from his store" (not a real quote, but close).

> Anonymous 8:45 PM [105209552194926013]
> (0) comments