> netslackers <

more death. this time no taxes
-- Thursday, March 10, 2005 --

Let's face it... netslackers is dead.

I know. We're all sad about it, but we've got to suck it up. Try to be men about it. That's the way netslackers would have wanted it.

It's a shame really. All that intensive labor that helped make it what it was. The sweat and tears we poured into it. The semen someone dumped in as a practical joke. It was all there... there until the bitter end.

I think it's safe to say that netslackers led a decent, honest life. It served the community - first as a minister, then as a rabbi, and finally - in a truly awe-inspiring twist that nobody saw coming - as a website. Not many can say they've transcended the mortal realm to become a part of the information superhighway.

I'm not going to lie. It wasn't a painless death. netslackers died alone and neglected; huddled together with a couple of middle-aged prostitutes in an alley for warmth, not sexual pleasure. We weren't there for netslackers when it needed us most. For that I am truly sorry.

We can't all be saints or charismatic leaders. Some of us can only hope to imitate our heroes sufficiently enough to be confused for good people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that netslackers was an inspiration to us all. From Gandhi to Stalin, everyone found a little piece of netslackers to latch onto and say, "Hey! That's what I want to be!"

If no one has any final words or insight they can shed on the life of netslackers, it's time to lower the casket.

Oh God! It's not dead! Did you fuckers see that shit?! It burst right out of the ground! Grab that shovel! Beat it over the head! For fuck's sake, someone stop it before it reaches the graveyard gates! No! NO! You don't want me! I'm just a writer! Take Abby! Take Branden! IT'S NOT MY FAULT WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! How were we supposed to know I'd write in you again?!

What? Oh. I thought you were out for revenge. Yeah, I guess you're right. The fact that I'm writing in you should have clued me in that you were not, in fact, dead. How did I screw that one up? Hmm. Something to ponder. Well look, you can go on being pissed or you can just fucking forgive me already. Yes, I'm aware I just buried you underground while you were still alive. People fuck up sometimes. It's part of life. Jesus, I'm only human.

Stop... stop yelling! We're in a graveyard for Christ's sake, show some respect. There are dead people here trying to get their eternal rest on and you won't shut the hell up. It was a few pounds of dirt. Hell, you saw how easy it was to get out of. Actually that's a good point. Remind me to demand my money back on that coffin tomorrow. The funeral parlor assured me nothing would ever get in or out of that thing and yet there you fucking go waltzing out of it like you're MacGyver with a fucking pencil sharpener or something.

Look, don't get angry, all I'm saying is I want my money back. What do you mean? Hey, we did the best we could, alright? I know you wanted some kind of clergy up there, but we couldn't find anyone to hold the service on such short notice besides myself. I mean you died rather abruptly. Don't you have to book a priest like a year in advance? Oh, you're right. How stupid of me. I was thinking of weddings.

Ok, I concede, some mistakes were made, but that doesn't matter now. We may have been a bit hasty about burying you and it was probably a tad rash of me to call for people to beat you over the head with a shovel. But it's all water under the bridge, right? I mean remember that time you got ketchup on my new shirt and I said, "Hey, forget about it" and I hardly ever brought it up again? See? You gotta learn to forgive.

I thought you'd see it my way. The important thing is you're here with us now. Here with family that cares about you. What do ya say we get you home and into some clean clothes? Huh, champ? Yea, let's go to my house. We sold yours. Oh, and your wife is dating again. Hey! HEY! Water under the bridge, remember? Stop crying or I really will hit you with this shovel, bitch! That's what I thought.

We missed you man.

> KC 5:12 AM [111044985733457445]
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