netslackers

The year is 2008

2008-02-29T01:58:00.002-05:00

Good lord. Is this the world's ugliest website or what?

What was I thinking?

Probably that I didn't want to spend a whole lot of time making it look pretty because I was lazy. I like the world leader pictures, though. Those are nice.

I told Abby we needed to resurrect this again. She didn't respond.

Are you still alive, Abby? I noticed you still list this as one of your websites on Facebook.

That's got to count for something.

For all I know, Chris lives in Spain or on the moon now. I talked to him yesterday for the first time in a long time and man is he an asshole these days.

Ok, not really, but I think it would be cool if our blog took off in the direction of the newest TMNT movie. You know, like how the four turtles (there are four of us, too!) kind of drifted apart over the years, but then they had to get back together and fight evil?

I thought we could do that too.

Yeah, that would be awesome.

Adventures ahoy

2006-07-03T11:12:00.000-04:00

Being currently in Russia, I've done something incredibly hip and created a blog which I update (and yes, more often than I update netslackers) about some of my adventures. If you are interested (and I will take it personally if you are not), you can reach it at www.i-smile-and-nod.blogspot.com. I like comments. Really.

no, no it isn't

2006-05-17T14:52:00.000-04:00

Ha ha! I see through KC's ruse! If our readers will remember back to the faithful day when he last posted news of netslackers demise (see March 2005: "more death. this time no taxes"), KC's dire predictions sparked a flurry of posting that lasted all the way through the summer and gave us memorable accounts of such important events as the Pope's death, the release of Star Wars III: Revenge of the Whiny Adolescent, and the closeted sexual relationship between Mace Windu and Yoda. Some of these things we wish to forget: the Star Wars prequels pretty much sucked more than a sucking thing has ever sucked before. Others we have already forgotten. But the point is, that KC's scare tactics will never again trick us into posting. Never, I tell you, never! Netslackers is dead! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh fuck.

is this goodbye?

2006-05-15T20:56:00.000-04:00

Possibly yes.

[Edit] My mistake. I did not mean to imply suicide. Just self mutilation. I kid!

Really though, I'm going to kill myself.

Haha! Gotchya!

Seriously though, netslackers is in trouble. There is a serious lack of caring going on here, and I'm not the one to fix it. I'm pointing my gun at the screen now. I don't want to do this, but someone has to put the site down.

Wait, I forgot bullets and I'm much too lazy to find a Wal-Mart right now.

Oh well, guess we'll let you live a little longer.

the magic of theatre

2005-07-21T16:11:00.000-04:00

I am stage managing a show. It eats my life. You should come see it, or I'll feed your babies to my plants.

Grand Hotel

July 22, 23, 29, and 30 at 8 p.m.
August 5 and 6 at 8 p.m.
July 31 at 2 p.m.

Tickets are $9 for students, $7 for adults.

Quince Orchard High School
15800 Quince Orchard Road
Gaithersburg, MD 20878

I realize that this is in the middle of nowhere, but I am also firmly convinced that you have nothing better to do. So, come and make my life worthwhile.

Neither rain, nor snow, nor mortal wound...

2005-06-08T16:33:00.000-04:00

At long last, all the characteristics of a dedicated employee of the U.S. Postal Service and a Navy SEAL have been combined in the soul of one man. He is ready to deliver your package at any time to any location regardless of inclement weather, physical impossibility, or enemy fire. And if that package just happens to be pizza, in thirty minutes or less or it's free. We should all be like this man. Proud, hardworking, and fucking indestructible.

In a further news update, netslackers brings you further proof of society's losing battle with infinite regression. Actually, the article itself isn't that funny, but I find the title amusing. There's something very Far Side about the mental image it conjurs up. Nothing too clear, but it definitely involves strangely deformed human beings wearing lab coats and glasses that completely obscure their eyes and eating bananas and shooting dart guns at each other. The truth is out: Science is done. Liberty, equality, subjectivity, or death!

But for God's sake, what about the chickens?

just bag it

2005-06-06T01:19:00.000-04:00

The following conversation actually occurred. You can have it unfold in real time if you read it aloud.

KC: Hey dad, why do we have two types of trash bags?

Rex: Some are indoor and some are outdoor. There are small and white ones and big and black ones.

KC: [Awkward silence]

Rex: Just like people.

KC: [Horrified and stunned pause followed by awkward silence]

Yes. My dad really does go by the name "Rex." He is not a dinosaur or a dog. If one were to throw him a Frisbee, he would make no attempt to catch it with his mouth. I've tried. Nothing. Not even when I throw it at his face.

Coming back from school has had its pluses and minuses. Hearing my dear old pa make a penis joke probably falls under the negative.

Abuse the Force, George.

2005-05-19T12:49:00.000-04:00

And then but did Abby and her faithful dozen, including he that should be called KC, though KC beith not his name, but that abbreviation to which he doth partake, and that shortening to KC seemeth pleasing, for it is said that KC is that which he should be called, did do perilous journey nigh into Rockville, where, through means swift and divergent, yet though involving three hours standing in line, did they look upon that which he who is George Lucas deem fit to call Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. But in the first hour or so did it be as Star Wars II: Attack of the Bad Puns, but then, even as he who is called Anakin Skywalker but whom we know secretly to be nought but Hayden Christensen in a robe of amusing semblence develop unnatural colored contact lenses and begin to lay waste about him with his saber of strangley solid and apparently sharp light, did we in the audience feel fit to say, lo, this movie doth not suck.

So, as you may have gathered by the above (or not gathered and just read with ever increasing confusion and bewilderment, which is almost the same thing as gathered, except entirely the opposite), I, along with several others, including KC (that which it is he is to be called), went to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith last night (slash this morning...whatever). And it surprised us all by not sucking. Well, sort of. The first half sucked as most of the prequels do, and for awhile there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth. But then they brought in some neat special effects and it got better. It is not cooincidental, I think, that the good-o-meter of this movie rises in an inverse relationship to the amount of time people spend talking.

So, since the movie itself is pretty neatly divided into a good half and a bad half (or, as I like to refer to them, the dark side and the light side, because I'm incorrigibly clever like that), I feel like I can legimitately present my opinions in equally black-and-white (slash light and dark) wording. Thus, The Top 10 Things to Like About Star Wars III and the Top 10 Things to Hate About It. I may run out of things to talk about before I reach ten in either category, but life is empty without a little risk. Also, many of my opinions are probably much less evenly categorized into the good/bad columns then they'll appear here. So you'll never know if what I'm saying is actually what I think or just a cunning ruse to fill out 10 bullet points. This, folks is life on the edge. Finally, there are likely to be spoilers. Probably of the variety of "Anakin goes evil!" type, but since I haven't written the list yet, I can't be sure. Obviously, I'll be far too lazy at the end of it all to go back and edit this to let you know how specific I get. But that's the way it goes. So, either go cry about it, or read on. Or just, I dunno, walk away and eat lunch, that's also a viable option. I'd do it.

Top 10 Things to Like About Star Wars III

10. No speaking lines for Jar Jar Binks (+50 billion pts.)
I feel like there is no need to further clarify why this is a good thing. If you don't understand, then you probably don't deserve to live.

9. Hayden Christensen does his best to be hot. I salute the effort, if not the overwhelming success. He manages to prance around without a shirt for a good few minutes, which is far superior to the prancing around without a shirt Amidala does for large portions of Star Wars II: Attack of the Underaged Naked Girl. The Force also rejoiced with the loss of both his and Obi-Wan's rattail. For though this takes place long, long ago, 90s hairdos are still not allowed to be in style. It's not Hayden's fault that he just doesn't look good with burns covering 90 percent of his body. It's a tough condition for any modeling job.

8. George Lucas seems to finally recognize that he is sublimely ridiculous. I don't know what it is about this film, but it felt like a lot of the corniness and horribleness of the opening was self-referential, like Lucas actually knew that people would laugh at how utterly stupid so much of what happens is, and he may as well ham it up. Attack of the Suckiness is just as bad, but it seems so much more sincere, which makes it even more painful.

7. Nobody's skin, at any point in the preceedings, is compared to sand. That this is a step up is a sign of just how low my standards have been set.

6. Ewan McGregor. What can I say, rattail or not, the man is a beast. He also does a mean Alec Guiness impersonation.

5. George Lucas scrambling around trying to tie up ends of the plot so that they make sense in the next three films is hilarious. My favorite example is the bit at the end where Yoda takes Obi Wan aside and is like, "By the way, Qui Jon figured out a way to come back from the dead. Let me show you how." You never even see anyone actually do it. It's like George Lucas wrote the entire script, shot the entire movie, and then realized, "Shit, I have no way of explaining how characters keep developing nifty blue bodies in the next trilogy. Uhh...insert random snippet of dialogue! No time to make it fit in with rest of the scene! No more budget left for special effects! Just film it, damnit, they'll buy it." On a scale of one to subtle, this is not one of the bits that registers.
Sidenote: For an alternate explanation of the cool blue body phenomenon, try this.

4. Some parts of the movie (much of what happens after Anakin's official conversion to Evil) are genuinely good, not just amusingly-bad good. Some are actually moving. I won't get more specific, even though it probably wouldn't matter if I did, because you should know this stuff, but sometimes I have these impulses to be a good person. They are quickly quashed, but there nonetheless.

3. Light sabers. Pretty. When used in battle, much resembling of rave lights, except for the bit where they slash people in half. I've never had a rave light do that to me. The point is, lightsaber battles are fun, and this film has them in spades. Like I said before, most of the last half of the film is fighting, largely without dialogue, and you can bet that George Lucas was probably least involved with the fight choreography above everything else, and that pretty much means that the movie gets better, cause Lucas is often somewhat of a dumbass.

2. My personal favorite line: "I sense a plot against the Jedi Council in the Force." This is great. It cracked me up for a good ten minutes. Nobody ever senses something this specific in the Force. Ever. Alderan was completely destroyed, and all Obi Wan got was a twinge. You sense great darkness in the Force. You sense a disturbance in the Force. You do not sense any kind of direct idea of the plot in the Force. It's like sensing that your spinach puffs are burning in the oven in the Force. Doesn't happpen.

1. At one point, Obi Wan calls George Bush a Sith Lord. That basically makes the entire movie worth it for me. I really want to hear the White House response: "We understand that George Bush has never, to our knowledge, used his fear and anger to channel the forces of Darkness and strangle White House aides with his powers. We command George Lucas to either provide substantive evidence of the existence of his fictional 'Darth Dubya,' or completely withdraw all allegations."

As a sidenote, meaning I've run out of bullet points, and top eleven or twelve lists just aren't done, Yoda can be quite funny. He is also never, at any point in the movie, involved in a disturbing sexual relationship with Mace. The film's complete lack of kinky puppet sex is definitely +infinity points.

And on we go to

Top 10 Things to Hate About Star Wars III

10. Jar Jar Binks. Silent, but still there, in an alarming extreme close-up. I feel like this is Lucas standing sulkily on the sidelines being like, "Well I like him." Wrong again, George. Wrong again. Doubleplus ungood. Minus 80 trillion points.

9. Some people in this movie have been known to be good in other movies. Others have been known to suck in other movies. Still others just haven't been in other movies, so it's hard to say. Whatever their resume, many people try to act. Few of them succeed. They should stop it and get to the fighting, already.

8. Once again, we are repeatedly and painfully bludgeoned over the head with the fact that Lucas cannot write dialogue to save his life or the lives of any small woodland creatures under his protection. Many of the scenes are nought but people going, "I love you more." "No, I love you more." "No, I love you infinity." "Damn, you got me." Actually, the dialogue in the original trilogy is equally sucky (well, not equally. No one in the original trilogy is compared to sand, either). I hesitate to say that Mark Hamil may just be a better actor than people in these films, because that's probably a lie, but at least he's more sincere sounding. Hayden Christensen, not so much. Sweetie, let your evilly colored contact lenses do your acting for you and shut up. We'll all be better for it.

7. On a similar note, Lucas is a bad director (you may have gathered this from previous comments). He has no sense of pacing within a scene or within the movie as a whole. Many scenes just end at what feels like a random moment- nothing has been resolved, there is probably more dialogue to be said, aaahhhh, incoming wipe transition, run away, run away! He also can't milk a moment. You sort of get the idea that he knows when one is there, he just doesn't know what to do with it, like men and spatulas (actually, that doesn't make any sense, but spatula is a funny word). For example, the first time we hear the Darth Vader breath is a Moment. It should last longer than five seconds. We should at least hear two or three deep breaths in silence before being whisked away to something less interesting.

6. Scenes with no purpose. This movie is already 2.5 hours long. Cut them. Especially if they involve Queen Hairdo and the Man-shaped Angst Machine. Then not only cut them, but burn the original prints.

5. I like the lightsaber battles. They are cool. But they all look alike. Everybody has the same fighting style, and while they are all equally nice to look at, they don't develop anything new as the movie goes on. One in particular is also filmed in such extreme close up that all you get is a lot of whirling lights. Many epileptics died to bring you this film.

4. R2D2: Battle bot. What the fuck. When did R2D2 develop rocket boosters? Did he just not feel like using them in episodes four through six? I feel like the transformers music should have been playing the background.
On that note, Lucas is just a little too excited about some of his nifty computerized abilities. This shows up a lot in the lightsaber battles as well, in that there seems to have been a great decline in lightsaber skills somewhere in between episodes 3 and 4. Obi Wan got old, maybe Darth's evil cape hampers his mobility, but Luke is just not impressive compared to the most meager of Jedi in the prequels. They're massacreing armies while he's having trouble with the wompa bats on Dagobah.
Also, many of the non-spaceship special effects are just terrible. Any time people get cg stunt doubles, it's like a big neon sign flashes in the corner of the screen going, "Press x to jump, o to fire your blaster, and triple triangle up down sideways to beat the boss at the end of level five."

3. Amidala used to have purpose. It wasn't all that interesting, but she did stuff. She was a senator. She senitized. Here, she does nothing. Nothing. She is totally lame and useless. She hangs around her apartment. She wears funny hairdos. At one point, she doesn't wear nearly enough clothing, despite being pregnant. Mostly she cries a lot. Yay Natalie Portman. You can cry on cue. Good for you. Out of my movie.

2. Characters are overwhelmingly stupid. It's crucial to the plot, for whatever reason, that Anakin and Amidala's marriage be secret. Dunno why, but they seem to feel it's necessary. Why, then, are they obviously sharing an apartment in the city, making out on the balcony, and getting each other pregnant? (Ok, not each other, per se, but that would have definitely made for a more interesting movie.) And why does no one seem to notice that Amidala is pregnant? At one point, someone says, "We have to save the babies!" and this random senator looks over with this look of confusion and says "Babies?" like an obviously pregnant woman was not RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM! What, did they think she'd been hitting the buffet line particuarly hard in the last few weeks?

1. Darth Vader's voice was not meant to be used to say things like, "Where is Padme? Is she alright?" It is meant to be used to say things like, "Die now" and "I find your lack of faith disturbing, general," followed by the imminent strangling of a displeasing underling. It is not to be abused by having him cry out "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" in pain, because it will not sound heartrending, it will sound stupid. And it does. Lord, but it does.

Once again out of bullet points. I feel like I should mention that George Lucas has a thing about dismembered hands, because EVERYONE at some point loses theirs. You win in Star Wars if you come through with your lightsaber arm intact. It's effective when it shows a disturbing parallel between Luke and Vader. It's ineffective when most of the Jedi nation is keeping the market in artificial limbs afloat.

Um. That is all.

inter-space relations

2005-05-10T00:47:00.000-04:00

Let me say first that I am not a big fan of Star Wars. Sure those first three (the last three... whatever) are pretty entertaining, but Episodes I and II seemed rather forced, as though George Lucas had taken a massive dump, strung all the feces together and looped them through a film projector. I realize that was not the most pleasant of images. I have this disgusting thought now stuck in my head of him sitting down on the throne to drop the ewoks off at the pool. It makes me wonder if he ever says anything witty when the first one dives in. You know something corny like, "Woah boy! I felt a disturbance in the force!"

Anyway, I was looking at Google News when I noticed publicity pictures for the new movie had been released. I was curious to see if they'd have a picture of Hayden Christensen doing his damnedest to look sinister like a kid who listens to Linkin Park and thinks he's badass, so I clicked on the link. It was your standard stuff. Nothing particularly interesting... and then I saw it. I found myself wondering if Star Wars had an extended edition or if maybe I had missed some subtle hints you only notice if you watch the movies a second time. Certainly nothing I had seen explained the family tree I was looking at (click for larger).

Needless to say, I was stunned. When did Han Solo and Princess Leia give birth to Chewie? Was that in one of the books? Was it possible my parents had skipped over that part of the movie when I was 6-years-old and watched it with them?

Well at least I could stomach that. Maybe she had given birth to one ugly-ass baby, but at least it wasn't.... wait a second... what the fuck is that?...

What could that line possibly mean? I showed it to a friend hoping she could shed some light on the situation.

Jes: i feel like they didn't know how to make a family tree
Jes: the lines actually do mean something
KC: yea. they mean yoda likes the jungle love

Had I answered my own question? Did Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson really get it on? Was there a whole love sub-context written into the dialogue? I asked a second friend.

KC: when did we find out yoda was humping sam jackson?
Trip: episode 2
KC: oh, it's one of those movie secrets where you have to go frame by frame?
Trip: yeah... they squeezed it in one of the more boring scenes so most people dont notice

George Lucas is a clever clever man. He knew how much everyone but the most devoted Star Wars fans would hate Episode II so he added a little something he thought the rest of us would enjoy. Unfortunately, I was unable to track down a screen capture so I asked Trip to supply me with an MS Paint artist's rendition of the intimate alien love ritual he swears took place.

BE WARNED! This image may be disturbing to younger viewers... or actually anyone who isn't a sick fuck:

You can't make this stuff up folks. I urge you to rent a copy of Episode II and see for yourself. We can't let Lucas get away with making space porn and peddling it to children. Let's put an end to this today. Yoda is not a sex puppet and no one wants to see Jackson's dick on widescreen. Let's write our congressmen and tell them we think this is wrong!

FYI: I swear to Christ anyone who found this site by searching for "Star Wars Sex" will be served a castration fitting for Sin City.

"At slow speed we all seem focused"

2005-05-06T23:49:00.000-04:00

I've not made a post in quite some while and for the sake of convenience I'll blame Cornell's workload because as far as everyone else knows, it is horrendous and I have no reason to soften that reputation. I might as well walk out of college being considered somewhat academically hardcore.

This week actually, though, has been ridiculously crazy; what with having 3 papers due within 3 days, getting about as many hours of sleep in those 3 days, watching the most emotionally intense episodes of 24 and the OC ever, sitting amazed at the Wizards' inability to close things out without drama and so much more. Whatev - now, classes are over and at Cornell the end of class means one thing: Slope Day.

According to Cornell, "Slope Day is the traditional end of the year celebration held on the last day of classes in the spring semester, this year on May 6, 2005. The name Slope Day derives from “Libe” or “Library” Slope, where the event is held each year. There is a long history of a spring time gathering here at Cornell University , dating back through various shapes and forms, to “Spring Day” in 1901." This definition doesn't quite capture the event, though, because it leaves out the mention of alcohol, which is quite key, as on this day practically everyone on the aforementioned slope is, in the words of the famous 18th century Enlightenment poet J-Kwon, "gettin' tipsy."

To try to promote a non-alcohol environment, though, Cornell has tried to regulate the day by bringing in musicians, food, etc. In its infinite wisdom, Cornell, which even Rolling Stone found the space to point out, approved this year's headliner to be Snoop Dogg, whom, as we all know, heavily encourages a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle, as evidenced by the massive blunt he was holding on stage today.

Overall, the day was incredibly surreal, and I will tell you why. To begin with, I was, as far as I could tell, about the only sober person on the entire slope. Thus, as I walked around, none of my conversations were quite normal and I was getting bumped into about as much as I do when I engage in games of football (and this has nothing to do with it being a contact sport, just that I normally play football with Magnet friends from high school who tend to not be able to run in straight lines... but, I kid! Wait, no one else actually reads this, so no kid). Secondly, soon after I arrived, the Game, who was on stage at the time, yelled "ITHACA, MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING NOISE!" Typical stage banter, yes, but then I thought about it -- one of the world's top-selling rap artists was yelling at a rural, upstate New York town to make some "motherfucking noise." I found it amusing. I should move on.

Not long after the Game departed from the stage, I was walking around the upper part of the slope trying to find a new set of friends to hang out with as each time I found some friends, they tended to wander off in a drunken haze. During this particular walk, I noticed a pick-up game of football. Then, I noticed cameras. The Game (and some of his posse, who are noticeably distinct from the average Cornell student, I must say) was playing pickup football with some Cornell students and I don't think most people noticed as I think most people were too drunk to be cognizant of anything more than their need to pee. Standing a foot or so away from a rap star playing football with a bunch of awkward-looking Ivy League students did nothing to detract from the day's dream-like qualities.

However, nothing could top the weirdness that was the performance of the one and only Snoop Dogg. While some may have protested against Snoop for being absolutely repugnant when singing about women and others attacked his cavalier attitude towards drugs, I doubt there could be a more perfect Slope Day act. I do not like rap very much, but I like Snoop Dogg. This attitude, I believe, is widely shared. Snoop Dogg has become a novelty hard to top. He went from someone parents feared due to a murder trial to one likeable dude who appears on TV all the time saying things that end in "izzle" and who is normally comically stoned -- his music is mostly irrelevant to most people. That being said, I sat through one and a half hours of Snoop just to hear "Drop it like it's hot." And he sure did drop that song like it's hot (I now feel the urge to write for Entertainment Weekly) after one of the oddest sets ever, which included an odd sequence in which his DJ just played two Notorious BIG songs, a Tupac song, then a few songs later, a Mario song, none of which Snoop did anything during. Perhaps I don't get rap concerts.

In the end, the day can best be summed up by the sound of "meh." Perhaps, if Kelly Clarkson had been there, I would be more psyched right now. Snoop Dogg just doesn't have anything to top "Since U Been Gone" (which works for me on so many levels) and thus, I can only wait with anticipation to the possibility she will be there next year.

this is not my homework assignment

2005-04-28T04:07:00.000-04:00

The time is 4:07 a.m. The place is outside the lounge on the floor I live on. I told myself four hours ago that I would begin work and so far

Nothing.

I need to write two 250-word essays by 2 p.m. 500 words does not take long to type. Hell, I've already got over 70 with the completion of this sentence and it only took me about three minutes to type. At this rate it should take me somewhere between 5 and 27 hours to complete my assignment because what I'm writing at this very moment has very little to do with what I should be writing.

Third Eye Blind once posed the question, "Can I graduate?" I too would like to ask that question but without screaming it to musical accompaniment.

Actually that's not entirely fair. I have actually quite enjoyed college. I would be perfectly fine with just moving on from my freshman year in which I have learned little and accomplished even less.

Students entering their first year of college this coming fall: beware. Your randomly selected roommate may very well call Satan's asshole his or her hometown. If this is the case and you are not hell-spawn yourself, prepare yourself for long sleepless nights wondering if this will be the night your roomie decides to crack open your head and feast on your brains.

You will probably come back to your room some night to find a combination lock you do not know the combination to on a chain wrapped around the hinges of your door in order to prevent you from closing the door without your roommate's permission.

Your roommate will probably also wear all black and communicate with you exclusively via slamming your the door very loudly in the morning to wake you up.

At least that's how my roommate was. I expect it's part of the first-year experience so learn to enjoy it!

Hey! Here's a treat! If you hurry over to my dorm right now, you might be able to catch some of the draw-droppingly beautiful sounds emanating from my floor's bathroom at this very moment! Or you can order my CD, Sounds of the Dorm Bathroom Part I: Food Poisoning and Alcohol. It features my personal favorite track, Barfing in B-Minor.

I could begin to think about what I might write my essays on, but I've still got several more hours of procrastinating I haven't completed. I better get on that.

Oh give me a home...

2005-04-26T16:31:00.000-04:00

CNN makes my life.

I would add funny commentary, but I just don't think it's necessary.

you wish i was funny

2005-04-11T16:49:00.000-04:00

Below is a list of words that you would not have found on netslackers had you done a search on the site prior to this post.

-Cheese
-Busty
-Funtastic
-Testicle

The point is that there's a lot of ground we haven't covered yet here at netslackers. Two years and not a single comment about testicles. Or even a testicle.

For shame.

No death, life! Life! LIFE!

2005-04-03T15:06:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, all of God's creatures, great and small, and you atheists, agnostics, and other such godless heathens,

Today, I, netslackers' Pope, received the sad news of my death. Tragic, indeed, would this event be, had it in fact taken place. However, I sit here today to reassure you that it was not I who perished atop that lonely tower in the Vatican on Saturday night, but rather my stunt double, George III, who has been in place since 1977, when I decided that I could better serve God from a secluded bunker on a remote Pacific island, where the ocean sparkles in the gentle breezes and the fountains flow with fresh pina coladas. Having determined that it was my saintly duty to scour this stronghold of the Devil for the forces of Satan, who ever lurk in the hideaways of a tropical paradise, I packed my floral print swimming trunks and set off. I am pleased today to report that, not only am I alive and safe within my secluded pineapple grove, but, owing to a small, but ferocious holy war I have waged for decades against the only other occupants of the island, a small, but savage breed of guinea pig, this island is now 100% godly. Let it be a light unto others.

George III was a good stunt double. He practiced the Popely wave until his shoulder ached and his fingers could not longer bend. He proudly bore the beanie of office and never once complained that it made him look like a slightly rounded Q-tip. On his brave headed rested the tall, pointed hat of authority, upon the sight of which many an enemy of God was struck dumb and rooted to the spot, either with surpassing awe or the uncontrollable giggles. That the world today mourns for his loss is indeed appropriate. However, we must keep in mind that he is not me, and therefore show a little perspective in our grief.

His death obligates me to resume those duties of Popedom that I so heavily shrugged off for a rugged lifestyle in the field lo those many years ago. My first order shall be to relocate the Vatican--in fact, make that the entire nation of Italy--to my island fortress. It would simply be too much of a hassle to have to figure out a way to ship my deck chair and impressive collection of exotic beverages back to Europe.

Secondly, I hereby forbid the development of peace, freedom, and democracy across the world. I feel as though the Vatican has been too long a slave to the old ways, and it is time that we took our rhetoric in an exciting new direction. It's the only way to hook the youth vote. Therefore, from now on, it will be nothing but discord, repression, and tyranny. I would tell you more, but under the last edict, I don't think I have to.

more death. this time no taxes

2005-03-10T05:12:00.000-05:00

Let's face it... netslackers is dead.

I know. We're all sad about it, but we've got to suck it up. Try to be men about it. That's the way netslackers would have wanted it.

It's a shame really. All that intensive labor that helped make it what it was. The sweat and tears we poured into it. The semen someone dumped in as a practical joke. It was all there... there until the bitter end.

I think it's safe to say that netslackers led a decent, honest life. It served the community - first as a minister, then as a rabbi, and finally - in a truly awe-inspiring twist that nobody saw coming - as a website. Not many can say they've transcended the mortal realm to become a part of the information superhighway.

I'm not going to lie. It wasn't a painless death. netslackers died alone and neglected; huddled together with a couple of middle-aged prostitutes in an alley for warmth, not sexual pleasure. We weren't there for netslackers when it needed us most. For that I am truly sorry.

We can't all be saints or charismatic leaders. Some of us can only hope to imitate our heroes sufficiently enough to be confused for good people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that netslackers was an inspiration to us all. From Gandhi to Stalin, everyone found a little piece of netslackers to latch onto and say, "Hey! That's what I want to be!"

If no one has any final words or insight they can shed on the life of netslackers, it's time to lower the casket.

Oh God! It's not dead! Did you fuckers see that shit?! It burst right out of the ground! Grab that shovel! Beat it over the head! For fuck's sake, someone stop it before it reaches the graveyard gates! No! NO! You don't want me! I'm just a writer! Take Abby! Take Branden! IT'S NOT MY FAULT WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! How were we supposed to know I'd write in you again?!

What? Oh. I thought you were out for revenge. Yeah, I guess you're right. The fact that I'm writing in you should have clued me in that you were not, in fact, dead. How did I screw that one up? Hmm. Something to ponder. Well look, you can go on being pissed or you can just fucking forgive me already. Yes, I'm aware I just buried you underground while you were still alive. People fuck up sometimes. It's part of life. Jesus, I'm only human.

Stop... stop yelling! We're in a graveyard for Christ's sake, show some respect. There are dead people here trying to get their eternal rest on and you won't shut the hell up. It was a few pounds of dirt. Hell, you saw how easy it was to get out of. Actually that's a good point. Remind me to demand my money back on that coffin tomorrow. The funeral parlor assured me nothing would ever get in or out of that thing and yet there you fucking go waltzing out of it like you're MacGyver with a fucking pencil sharpener or something.

Look, don't get angry, all I'm saying is I want my money back. What do you mean? Hey, we did the best we could, alright? I know you wanted some kind of clergy up there, but we couldn't find anyone to hold the service on such short notice besides myself. I mean you died rather abruptly. Don't you have to book a priest like a year in advance? Oh, you're right. How stupid of me. I was thinking of weddings.

Ok, I concede, some mistakes were made, but that doesn't matter now. We may have been a bit hasty about burying you and it was probably a tad rash of me to call for people to beat you over the head with a shovel. But it's all water under the bridge, right? I mean remember that time you got ketchup on my new shirt and I said, "Hey, forget about it" and I hardly ever brought it up again? See? You gotta learn to forgive.

I thought you'd see it my way. The important thing is you're here with us now. Here with family that cares about you. What do ya say we get you home and into some clean clothes? Huh, champ? Yea, let's go to my house. We sold yours. Oh, and your wife is dating again. Hey! HEY! Water under the bridge, remember? Stop crying or I really will hit you with this shovel, bitch! That's what I thought.

We missed you man.

Death and Taxes

2004-11-29T16:50:00.000-05:00

My economics teacher died this morning.

My first thought upon hearing the news was, "Is my term paper still due?"

Netslackers: Now bringing you the gradual erosion of Abby's moral soul.

Ha mangiato pizza

2004-10-20T18:34:00.000-04:00

Ah college, the supposed place of intellectual grandeur. A place, one would assume, where there is no busy work. Yet, here I sit procastinating about an hour and a half's worth of Italian homework that one could misplace for 9th grade fare. Do we get new, exciting innovations in our Italian worksheets? No, just figuring out to plug in blanks saying "Mario was eating pizza" as opposed to last week, which was "Mario is eating pizza." Perhaps it is the nature of language classes in general. Whatever the case, despite the fact I have a huge exam, I had no choice but to procrastinate my Italian homework and surf the Internet for two hours non-stop. The facets of high school are such a distant memory, but an everpresent reality.

But, during the long time I spent perusing the web, I was fascinated to find a surprisingly large number of people get to big moco searching my name in search engines, that ESPN ranks Orioles' pitchers in half of the best ALCS pitching performances ever and that the SCO mock election does not like third parties, as opposed to the Cornell mock election, which I found out existed several minutes ago. Perhaps, by giving me this busywork, Cornell was truly guiding me on the path to knowledge... Internet-related knowledge. I am again content. I am still not approaching Italian work.

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned from my First Semester at College

2004-10-08T01:53:00.000-04:00

Valuable lessons:

1. Don't feed the plants
2. Little Red Riding Hood: A Story of Small Children, Woodland Wildlife, and Date Rape
3. Crime and Punishment: A Story of Small Children, Urban Wildlife, and Date Rape
4. Hobgoblins beat the orcs and took their lunch money
5. You can't have sex with a bull, even if you slip it GHB
7. Food is no substitute for pizza
8. Poland: stalwart ally of the west
9. Gravity works

Numerical college:

Number of classes: 4
Number of credits: 4.5
Number of meals per week: 20
Number of meals wanted per week: 21
Number of closets: 4
Number of private bathrooms connected to my dormroom: 2
Number of cockroach souls sent to that great, big, cockroach resting place in the sky under the iron heel of my flip-flop: 4
Number of known cockroaches at large: 1
Number of foam swords in my dorm: Many
Number of samurai swords in my dorm: 2
Number of samurai in my dorm: 4
Number of foam-sword wielding samurai in my dorm: All of them
Number of days I'll be home on fall vacation starting Saturday: 7

You knew it was all leading up to something. Netslackers are back again on the prowl in the Greater Washington area, where the Metro is bountiful, the strip malls are above average, and most importantly, the laundry is free. Oh, and friends. Friends are good, too. So if I know you and don't hate you and aren't repulsed by your political views and/or smell (these two often work in tandem), come by and chill. It'll be fun. I'll bring the bongo drums.

Goodbye To You!

2004-08-23T08:32:00.000-04:00

It saddens me that I'll rarely, if ever, see most of you or anyone else from "back in the day," as I like to call it. As we all move on to bigger & better things, perhaps I should share what I'm doing. For the next few months I'm working for ACT, America Coming Together as a database programmer. My function will be to assist people who know stuff extract the information they need from this massive demographic database. Basicaly I'm enabling the democrats to knock on doors and harass people!

With that in mind, I'm staying just about right where I am for the time being.

Blood! Murder! Intrigue! Theatre!

2004-07-11T01:34:00.000-04:00

So there you are. Sitting at your computer. Gazing blankly at the screen. Eyes glazed over, mind turned to mystery meat, brain oozing out your ears. A fine way to spend your summer vacation. Well, close your mouth and wipe that drool off your chin, because the time has come for that annual venture into the great outdoors. Worry not! You won't be exposed to natural light for long enough to ruin that unhealthy pallor you've been cultivating in front of your PS2 all summer--just long enough to get to your car to drive out into the great blue, white, and asphalted wonder to see...

Sweeney Todd

From Wildwood Summer Theatre, the same people who brought you Chicago last year, comes a show with an even higher body count. Sweeney Todd is about a barber who cuts customer's throats and sends their body to the sausage lady downstairs, who bakes them into sausages and sells them to the unwary. A great show for vegans, vegetarians, the lactose intolerant, people of all dietary restrictions,

Sweeney Todd

will be playing at Quince Orchard High School on July 23, 24, 30, 31 and August 6 and 7 at 7:30 p.m., with a 1:30 matinee on August 1. Tickets are $9 for adults, $7 for students and seniors. But Abby! You say. I live in civilized country! I've never seen a cow. I don't know where Quince Orchard is! Not to fret. 15800 Quince Orchard Rd. Gaithersburg, MD 20878 is the place, and Mapquest.com is the way to get there. But Abby! You cry. I am broke and without funds and thus will not be able to revel in your theatrical splendor. Well, I suggest you do one of two things: A) Rob a bank or B) Sell cheap drugs. But do it quickly, cause the curtain goes up in two weeks. I'll be running the lightboard, fellow Netslacker-in-arms Chris is doing sound and there are other Blair/Montgomery County high school people scattered throughout the production. For more information go to the WST homepage. For a nifty promotional poster go here. For up-to-the-minute news, traffic, and weather, go to CNN.com, cause we can't help you. But for everything else, from saving babies from runaway shopping carts to planning a trip into the Amazon to cheap and violent musical theatre, Wildwood is your place.

Meanwhile... KC, well-known netslackers personality and parttime superhero has succumbed to the world of webcomic addiction. He recomends this wackiness for your viewing pleasure. Here's what renowned reviewers have to say on the subject:

plaidgonzo: much like the book i am now reading, but without the militant feminist undertones
AND
plaidgonzo: i feel as though if i read more of this, i will become stupid
MJbites: i like 20
plaidgonzo: but we've already established that you're dumb

To be fair, it's actually fairly amusing. But this is better.

In other news... We have another reader! This illustrious fellow has this to say about netslackers:

SamTheMan1116: bangup job
SamTheMan1116: bangup job, indeed

Thanks, man. It's all for you.

"I'm just a little anxious to get up there and whup E.T.'s ass."

2004-07-04T22:20:00.000-04:00

Most Americans families have traditions for holidays. For these families, July 4 is a definite must to celebrate. Many families go on vacations, many have barbeques, and even more go watch fireworks. My family… does nothing. We don't watch parades, and, actually, it would be an amazingly different July 4 if we somehow ventured outside. Thus, I've had to come up with my own July 4 tradition over the years. This tradition is watching "Independence Day" on Fox. So, you're probably thinking, "Branden, you are a pathetic loser" not only because a) you are sitting alone watching a movie on July 4, but also, b) that movie is "Independence Day." Now, you may actually have some fondness for this movie, but probably not a 'watch every year' fondness. But, I think, for the reasons stated below, it is the perfect movie.

Before I begin stating reasons why "Independence Day" is one of the most awesomest movies ever, I must admit the tradition almost came to the end, for not only was "Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century" on, but "Goldfinger" was as well. But, a careful consideration of the merits of "Independence Day," my doubt was obliterated… much like the alien ships in the movie.

REASONS "INDEPENDENCE DAY" ROCKS:
- Cheesy, yet EXCELLENT, lines: When I was 9, repeating the line "welcome to Earth" never got old… and well, it's still awesome.
- President Whitmore: Is there a better president than President Whitmore? He flies planes; he had a crime bill, albeit mentioned briefly; and he delivers the best speech ever… "And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!"" Classic. I would vote for this man.
- Dork hero: The fact that the man who was responsible for figuring out how to save the world was a nerdy engineer always gave me hope.
- Lots of stuff gets blown up.

I did have more reasons, but I shall stop this entry now because I have to go to work tomorrow since I, unlike most Americans, do not get a three-day weekend.

EmpSg59: well, someone needs to make a new post on netslackers

2004-06-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

EmpSg59: fine, I'll write a new post tonight
EmpSg59: depending on my boredom level
plaidgonzo: we could just post this conversation
plaidgonzo: just to show that we were thinking about maybe posting
plaidgonzo: and call it a post
EmpSg59: yes
plaidgonzo: then ignore netslackers again for a month
EmpSg59: kc's done it
plaidgonzo: drat
EmpSg59: no, you see, kc is the model of awesome-ness, according to kc
EmpSg59: so, we should do it, too
plaidgonzo: oh, ok then
plaidgonzo: it's a plan
EmpSg59: and an awesome plan at that
plaidgonzo: is it as awesome as kc, though?
plaidgonzo: on a scale of one to awesome, where do you rank the plan?
plaidgonzo: and where do you rank kc?
EmpSg59: the plan is at around... 14, at about the same level as the cinematic awesomeness of "you got served"
EmpSg59: kc is at ... 4.5
EmpSg59: because I like decimals
EmpSg59: and 5.5 would just be absurd
plaidgonzo: wow
plaidgonzo: kc falls from grace
plaidgonzo: the plan conquers all!
EmpSg59: it really truly does
EmpSg59: as I made the numbers, I tried to think how the plan compared relative to kc
EmpSg59: and he just can't compare
EmpSg59: I mean, after all, WE came up with the plan
plaidgonzo: it's all in the height
plaidgonzo: combined, we're like, at least 1.5 times kc's height
plaidgonzo: it's like running for president
plaidgonzo: together, we're taller. and have better hair.
plaidgonzo: no contest
EmpSg59: I'd put us at at least 1.76 times taller, though
EmpSg59: ... I just wanted to use decimals again
plaidgonzo: wacky fun

Oh snap (ple)! It's happened again to the netslackers world!

2004-06-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

It was about two weeks ago that Abby came to the netslackers readers with a quandry over which college to attend. I, not having to make such a decision, laughed and merely told her to go to the easier college. But, after returning from graduation, I discovered I had been let in off a waitlist at a college, to be referred to, with much originality, as "B," which I would have originally gone to if given the choice. I have, however, become quite attached to the college that I committed to on May 1, a certain college "A." A large amount of this loyalty is derived from the fact that I bought a tee-shirt from this college, but it also stems from the fact I've already told many people I am off to college "A," and they would be confused if I don't get there. This situation, loyal readers, gives me a tough decision, and an opportunity to copy Abby! HA!

Ready... list time!

Advantages:

College A:
-If I were to judge by what people there wore when I visited, it seems like they might give out Ralph Lauren clothing for free! It's Everywhere... JOY!
-In one of the best college towns in America
-Awesome weather
-I own a tee shirt with the college name on the front

College B:
-Campus is gorges (HAR!)
-In one of the best college towns in America
-Best college food in America

Disadvantages:

College A:
-If I were to judge by what people there wore when I visited, it seems like they might give out Ralph Lauren clothing for free! It's Everywhere... JOY!
-Everyone thinks college is in "hickstown"

College B:
-A tad bit... cold. Wait... make that overwhelmingly cold
-It's hard to play frisbee if my hand is frozen to the frisbee

Now, you netslackers readers had little influence over Abby's decision, but you have anohter shot now. GO!

snoWatch: summer edition

2004-05-28T04:54:00.000-04:00

There’s no doubt about it. When it comes to predicting snowfall, the Silver Chips Online Weather Team is number one. Over the course of a year, the snoWatch gurus managed to correctly project when school would be canceled nearly half of 50% of the time. Now, due to gross plagiarism of National Weather Service press releases and complete ignorance of anything related to the science of weatherology, Branden Buehler and KC Costanzo have been fired. Before the weather team disbands, however, netslackers is more-or-less proud to present snoWatch: Summer Edition.

Here’s what weather.com is predicting:

June

» Average high: 84 degrees

» 15% chance of scantily clad cute neighbor mowing the lawn

» 80% chance of scantily clad middle-aged hairy neighbor mowing the lawn

» 0% chance of light wintry mix

July

» Average high: 89 degrees

» Possible snow accumulation: 0.1 inches (+/- 0.1 margin of error)

August

» Average high: 87 degrees
» 0% chance of Silver Chips Online-owned van with snoWatch painted on the side becoming a reality . . . . unless you fund it! Send money to:
Save the van project
51 University Blvd. East
Silver Spring, MD 20901
(Only unmarked bills accepted)

» According to the people who know about this stuff: “Blub." - Frosty the Snowman

Chips’ best guess: 100% chance of closure, 100% chance of at least a two-hour delay. MCPS is always on the lookout for signs of a surprise snowstorm such as an unanticipated drop in the temperature, an overcast sky, or the sudden formation of ice cubes in the freezer. Any of these provides the superintendent with justification for shutting down the schools indefinitely or at least until an opportunity to win an award presents itself. With this in mind, you would think school would be open all summer, but it seems likely that school will be cancelled anyway. Sure, it will be sunny. Sure, there will be warm weather. But Superintendent Jerry Weast has already booked a long cruise in the Bahamas, and there’s no way he’s going to cancel it just so you can get another 2.5 months of free education.

snoWatch discussion: Imagine you lived in an area where it was so cold that when you spit, your spit froze in midair. If you sent a video of such an incident to a television station claiming you were “Ice Man," a superhero blessed with the ability to subdue criminals with projectile frozen water, would they believe you?

whenever you need me i'll be there

2004-05-24T01:49:00.000-04:00

Normally I would respond to a fellow netslacker's message by obnoxiously adding a side note within the text of their preexisting post. Today I felt my obnoxiousness overflowing and decided my mean-spirited answer deserved a post of its own.

Abby - I would love to pretend I cared where you went to college, but alas, that would be dishonest and I feel our friendship is built on trust. If I were to break that trust, the foundation of our amicable relationship would crumble like something that crumbles really fast.

So please, fall backwards into the the trust circle and then onto the ground because no one is going to catch you (OUCH! That was harsh! What did she do to deserve that one? Um, I'll wait for her to do something mean to me and then I will claim I went back in time to seek revenge for it prior to the event actually happening. There, how's that sound? Confusing? Who am I addressing in these parenthetical comments and why am I asking so many questions? The world may never know).

Wait wait. That was entirely too mean . . . and yet I'm too tired to care. I'll reflect back on this negatively in the morning, don't you worry.

In conclusion, Abby, I have five words of advice for you (possibly six depending on whether the last word is actually two): Trust me on the sunscreen.

You should probably go back down and read Abby's post now because if you don't, she will probably beat me with her hurty stick of pain and no one wants that. Especially Abby's neighbors who complain her torture techniques are much too loud.

madness

2004-05-23T23:48:00.000-04:00

All conventional methods of reason have failed me. I have wandered the vast realm of cyberspace in vain. I have made lengthy (at least, hours long) trips into the netherworlds, searching for clues. Hints. Anything. The books are bupkis. The talk is trash. I can't find anything alliterative to say about the people, but they aren't helping either. The ultimate question remains unanwered.

Where the fuck am I going to college?

The situation as of 3:00 p.m., Friday, May 21: There was college A. They accepted me. There were colleges B through Z. They did not.

The situation as of 3:01 p.m., Friday May 21: There was college A. They accepted me. There is now college B. They also accepted me. They give me until Monday to decide. In this scenario, B stands for Bastard.

This is where you, the faithful reader(s) of netslackers come in. True to proper netslackers form, I am far too lazy to make this decision myself (slash incapable of arriving at any meaningful decision). Therefore, I invite you to make it for me. But don't worry, I will not leave you floundering alone in the wilderness with nought but your wits. I will provide you with a compass--a list of utterly trivial, ultimately meaningless advantages and disadvantages for each school. It's a dented compass, to be sure, and it points somewhat south-westernly, but I invite you to perserve through the thorns and thistles and bad metaphors and cast your vote in Decision 2004.

Ready go

Advantages:

College A:
-Greater possibilities for joining the Russian mafia
-The type of intellectual stimulation only possible through close contact with a large number of heavily intoxicated libertarians
-Opportunity to reenact favorite wilderness scenes from both "The Sound of Music" and "Lord of the Rings"
-Good food

College B:
-Karmic vibes of oneness with the universe flowing through my being every time I step on campus
-Less likely to go straight from college to Hell
-Access to artifacts of great historical importance that will fetch an excellent price on Ebay
-Possibility of not only reenacting favorite scenes from "Lord of the Rings," but getting course credit for doing so

Disadvantages:

College A:
-The type of intellectual stimulation only possible through close contact with a large number of heavily intoxicated libertarians
-Greater likelihood of unexpectede volcanic eruption covering campus and town in molten lava going unnoticed by outside world for several months
-Frostbite

College B:
-No escape from Massive Persistent Situational Irony Syndrome
-No escape from Ralph Nader
-Crappy food

Or you could be really daring and elect for the ever popular but rarely considered third option:

KIB: Kollege In the Basement

You have the information and you have the power. Votes must be cast within the next twelve hours, or I will be forced to extend the deadline. Go.

Bidding adieu to school, but first come shoes

2004-05-21T20:06:00.000-04:00

You would think during 7 years of being in math/science/computer science magnets, you would get some cool projects. In actuality, though, I'd have to say the most interesting project I've been involved in during all my years of being a magnet consisted of the construction of a "robot," which was actually a plastic mechanical device that moved slowly up and down in order to indirectly measure something you could probably just measure by holding up a thermometer or barometer with your hand. Although I'm sure NASA would love to have such a device in their hands, perhaps for use as some sort of complicated stapler, I must say it's rather hard for such a project to justify so many years of waking up while the early bird is still snoozing through his alarm, and then returning home just in time to see the bus fly by, the elementary school one, the one that picks students up for school at 9 AM. (In case you missed it, I shall now pause while you chuckle at the "Saved by the Bell" reference. ... ... Alright, we'll move on as I don't see anyone chuckling.) Therefore, I have thus been a bit disappointed by magnet projects, until last month.

Now, I know in my last post I mentioned my shoe project ... but now that I've written that entire intro, I have to talk about it again. Anyway, the shoe project pretty much has everyone in my material science class of ~12 people build their own shoes of at least 3 synthetic materials. Now, I know you may be thinking "Hey, what's the point in learning to build shoes - shoe construction has been sent to 3rd world laborers in an effort to maximize every country's economic contribution to the global economy, for Americans have more training and education and thus should focus on other areas of industry, rendering shoe construction useless for Americans." Well,to you I say *insert anti-3rd world labor stuff one might find in a leftist rag*. So, HA, this project does indeed have value.

Anyway, shoe construction was very grueling work... mostly because I started at 9 pm the night before it was due. It involved learning to sew, sewing, failing at sewing, asking my mom to sew, attempting to sew again, failing again, stabbing finger with needle, washing blood away, attempting again, failing again... and soforth until after multiple hours I had managed to sew around an inch of twill to the sole that I had hastily shoo goo'd together out of rubber matting, gardening pad, carpet pad and yet more twill, which was then covered in rubber coating. Many more hours of sewing were required and the end result was little sleep - a very disturbing development for a senior - but when I walked around school today with these shoes, I felt extremely confident... that I was looking like a dork. But I was a damn proud dork. Plus, I'm sure multiple realized that buying American-made New Balance shoes is not enough - the next step is to build your own shoes!

I leave you with my shoes:

umm... and some geese I could see from my deck while I photographed my shoes:

despair: a narrative

2004-05-19T21:30:00.000-04:00

Ideas. There are none. KC is in darkness. He cannot come up with an update to write. Despair. KC continues to flounder. There is no one for him to turn to. And then, a knight in shining armor. Instant messaging gives KC an opportunity:

KC: branden, your turn to post on netslackers
Branden AUTO-REPLY: making shoes

More despair. KC sinks into a depression. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. But then . . .

KC: chris! write something for netslackers!
Chris AUTO-REPLY: If I liked you, you'd know I wasn't here, and you'd know where I was!
KC: you're in prison taking it from behind
KC: i think i just wrote our next update

There is much rejoicing. KC has avoided spending valuable minutes coming up with something new and original by recycling a conversation. KC goes on to become a Hollywood director.

THE END

war crimes

2004-05-16T12:09:00.000-04:00

Many apologies to those who come here expecting laughs. Right now there's very little humor to be found. But! I promise a return to zany antics just as soon as I'm bored enough to write them!

If you haven't read this you need to now. You're going to hear a lot about it in the coming weeks and months. It's an article in the New Yorker by Seymour M. Hersh that has just blown the top off of the Iraqui abuse scandal. If you're too lazy to read the whole thing, at least read the bolded text in the next paragraph.

The roots of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal lie not in the criminal inclinations of a few Army reservists but in a decision, approved last year by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, to expand a highly secret operation, which had been focussed on the hunt for Al Qaeda, to the interrogation of prisoners in Iraq. Rumsfeld’s decision embittered the American intelligence community, damaged the effectiveness of élite combat units, and hurt America’s prospects in the war on terror.

According to interviews with several past and present American intelligence officials, the Pentagon’s operation, known inside the intelligence community by several code words, including Copper Green, encouraged physical coercion and sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners in an effort to generate more intelligence about the growing insurgency in Iraq. A senior C.I.A. official, in confirming the details of this account last week, said that the operation stemmed from Rumsfeld’s long-standing desire to wrest control of America’s clandestine and paramilitary operations from the C.I.A.

It's important you go through the whole thing. I'm still trying to figure out what, exactly, Rumsfeld knew. It seems clear he realized his orders would end up in violation of the Geneva Conventions, but I'm not sure yet if he approved any specifics.

The article goes on to explain that Bush knew of Copper Green, but it's kind of vague about whether or not he was in the loop about what it stood for specifically.

In theory, the operation enabled the Bush Administration to respond immediately to time-sensitive intelligence: commandos crossed borders without visas and could interrogate terrorism suspects deemed too important for transfer to the military’s facilities at Guantánamo, Cuba. They carried out instant interrogations—using force if necessary—at secret C.I.A. detention centers scattered around the world. The intelligence would be relayed to the sap command center in the Pentagon in real time, and sifted for those pieces of information critical to the “white,” or overt, world.

Now, of course I can see the value of that to some extent. Some information is time sensitive and going through conventional channels isn't always an option when you're trying to put down an insurgency, but giving carte blanche to an entire group of people to do whatever it wants isn't just dangerous, it's stupid. Not only have we walked all over international law, we're setting ourselves up for more terrorist attacks of the magnitude of 9/11. If the US subscribed to international governing bodies instead of just using them to get what it wants, our country could be looking at several war crimes convictions and we will definitely be pressured by some to turn people like Rumsfeld over (of course we won't. People have cried for Kissinger to stand trial for years and they've been ignored. We don't even recognize the Hague as a legitimate court).

If Rumsfeld isn't toppled by this whole thing, Stephen Cambone looks like he'll be the top official to get knocked off:

One Pentagon official who was deeply involved in the program was Stephen Cambone, who was named Under-Secretary of Defense for Intelligence in March, 2003. The office was new; it was created as part of Rumsfeld’s reorganization of the Pentagon. Cambone was unpopular among military and civilian intelligence bureaucrats in the Pentagon, essentially because he had little experience in running intelligence programs, though in 1998 he had served as staff director for a committee, headed by Rumsfeld, that warned of an emerging ballistic-missile threat to the United States. He was known instead for his closeness to Rumsfeld. “Remember Henry II—‘Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest?’” the senior C.I.A. official said to me, with a laugh, last week. “Whatever Rumsfeld whimsically says, Cambone will do ten times that much.”

Apparently the decision to go ahead with the torture tactics was spurred on by the failure of the intelligence community in Iraq. Insurgents have managed to find out more information about us than we have about them. Thus it was concluded something had to be done and the pictures we've seen of naked Iraqi's in hoods is the result.

Now the difference between what's going on in Iraq and what's going on in Guantánamo is that the Bush administration has declared the prisoners in Guantánamo "illegal combatants" who aren't protected by the Geneva Conventions. While I don't agree with the denial of legal rights to prisoners in Cuba either, the difference has been made clear. The Bush administration had not stated, unilaterally or otherwise, that Iraqi prisoners would not be treated in accordance with international law and if the government hadn't crossed the line before, it definitely has now.

Even worse, Hersh asserts that things were kicked up a notch in Iraq:

Rumsfeld and Cambone went a step further, however: they expanded the scope of the SAP ["special-access program subject to the Defense Department’s most stringent level of security"], bringing its unconventional methods to Abu Ghraib. The commandos were to operate in Iraq as they had in Afghanistan. The male prisoners could be treated roughly, and exposed to sexual humiliation.

What we have now in Abu Ghraib, and most likely elsewhere, is a complete and utter breakdown of military command. No one had any idea who was in charge or who the person standing next to them was. Military officials and agents walked around in civilian clothing and even the people supposedly in charge weren’t clued into who was who and what they were doing in the prison. Brigadier General Janis Karpinski, the one supposedly on top of things at Abu Ghraib is quoted as saying, “I thought most of the civilians there were interpreters, but there were some civilians that I didn’t know. I called them the disappearing ghosts. I’d seen them once in a while at Abu Ghraib and then I’d see them months later.”

The author of the article appeared on CBS and said that according to one general, 60% of the people we have as prisoners aren’t even enemies and the International Red Cross is asserting that number is as high as 90%. So the people being tortured may not have any information anyway, rendering the whole situation even more senseless and inhumane than we assumed before.

The article in its entirety is about ten pages long and I’ve only gotten through 2/3 of it at this point. Again, this is something everyone needs to check out and make their own conclusions on. All I can say is that I personally am pretty appalled our government would condone this kind of “information gathering” against people who most likely have nothing to do with Hussein or the insurgency. It reminds me of the Vietnam War in a way. We created Vietcong by razing Vietnamese villages and murdering Vietnamese families. Of course they wanted revenge against the United States. I’m afraid we’re accomplishing the same in Iraq.

dc stands for dead costanzo

2004-05-12T21:26:00.000-04:00

As you all know, a bunch of dumb asses in Iraq decided it would be a super-neat idea to photograph themselves abusing Iraqi prisoners. I personally would have had more fun passing the time playing cards or dropping a cinder block on my face repeatedly had I been in their shoes, but hey, some enjoy fucking over the nation they are sworn to protect while forcing prisoners to have sex with each other and some do not. To each his own.

Recently the scandal got a whole lot worse. Congress was shown more pictures of some pretty gruesome shit today and there weren't any slides at the end of the show that said, "YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!" so I think we may really be in trouble here.

Still, Tom DeLay, D-Texas (that's "D" for douche bag, not Democrat), ever the voice of reason, pointed out that people really shouldn't get so upset about this stuff:

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said he thought "some people are overreacting."

"The people who are against the war are using this to their political ends," he said.

Yes, clearly it is inappropriate to respond with disgust and horror to pictures of bloody prisoners forced to sodomize themselves while soldiers look on and laugh. Clearly the correct response is to jump for joy and then frolic down the street passing out copies of the photographs to random strangers before returning home to fax death threats to various leaders of Arab terrorist organizations.

So do we release the photos to the public? Well, at first I was going to say "no" even though I'm a journalist. My original thought process was that letting all the photos out would just rally terrorists to seek retribution and therefore subject us all to more danger. On the one hand, I realized the simple fact that these pictures exist at all is enough reason for certain people to want revenge and the world really does deserve to know just how out of hand the Bush Administration has let this whole war get.

In conclusion, I'm beginning to think my decision to attend college in Washington, DC may prove to be a bit more dangerous than I once thought, especially since my univeristy of choice is called American. Yea, I'd have to say on the list of recent decisions I've made, that one is probably the most likely to get me vaporized by a dirty bomb.

dr. sexopolis

2004-05-12T00:44:00.000-04:00

Bananas. Now that I have your attention, I'd like to talk about sex.

Sex is a good thing and I have of course had lots of it in my 18 years of life. I will now pause so you can clean up the milk you just snorted out of your nose when you began laughing at me. That is assuming you were drinking milk. If you were not drinking milk and had nothing to clean up, please continue reading as though there were no pause in the narrative. Thank you.

Ok, so now that it has been established that I just finished telling a preposterous lie, I will continue speaking as though I have a wealth of knowledge on the subject. Just call me Dr. Sexopolis. Or KC. It doesn’t really matter.

Go up to anyone on the street and ask them if they are fans of sex. Most will respond by producing a flag and a big foam hand with the words “Sex Number One” printed in bold letters. Others will just say “yes.” Either way, my point is proved. People enjoy having sex.

The reason you’re reading this of course is to find out if I can help you get more of it. Well sir/ma'am/Mr. Transvestite, I believe I can. I’d like to announce the single most amazing, 100% full-proof, 10 year warrantee plan I am making up off the top of my head as I type to help you get a little more action.

Here it is: Rent an Indiana Jones movie and then do precisely as he does. If this doesn’t sky rocket your action quotient, I don’t know what will.

Oh, and to get more sex, try touring your neighborhood in a riding mower naked while shouting, “PLEASE COME OUT AND SEX ME UP!” at every house you pass. If you are arrested, tell the police officer you were simply soliciting sex from your neighbors in order to raise money for the oldest profession in the world. They will be forced to let you go as prostitution in the name of charity is completely legal.

popus maximus

2004-05-09T15:19:00.000-04:00

I am proud to report that yet another rabid netslackers groupie has petitioned to join our elite ranks. Yes, Izaak, too, has succumbed to blog envy. This means that all three of our regular readers want to join! First Izaak, Eric, and Ben. Then, the world.

I'm afraid, however, we must reject Izaak due to his failure to file forms in triplicate. Also, I suspect his motives. It seems he wasn't actually interested in contributing actual content to site (not that anyone else does). He only wanted a picture of the pope to appear next to his name. But there can be only one instrument of the divine voice, and as resident pope of netslackers, I retain the right to petition a hefty smiting from higher powers upon anyone attempting to usurp my position. Failing that, I will throw incense at them and, in their moment of blindness, chuck my ceremonial hat at their head.

Sorry, Izaak. Better luck next time.

A trend amost bloggers? Me too!

2004-05-06T14:57:00.000-04:00

LiveJournal Stats are interesting, so is this script that finds the last 10 images posted on LJ.

There is reportedly a trend amonst bloggers to:
1. Grab nearest book
2. Open to page #23.
2. Post the 5th sentance.
Here is page 22 (23 only has 2 sentances, and a very large illustration of a beaver and a vagina, drawn by the author) of Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions: "the expression was first used by news photographers, who often got to see up women's skirts at accidents and sporting events, and from underneath fire escapes and so on."

Now, at this time I'd like to rebutt all future comments about me attempting to sexualize netslackers. I post a link to craigslist (so it can't be all bad). "And now for something completely different (not sexual) - 34" is what you get when you feel lucky with the string "something not sexual"

Another comment from KC: I'm still not sure what the title of this update is supposed to mean. Please look closely at this post and note that, among various other typos, some of which I corrected and others of which I did not, Chris spelled "sentance" wrong. Do not point this out to him. It will be our little secret and when he turns his back on us, we can laugh and point at him.

give peece a chance

2004-05-05T21:35:00.000-04:00

MJbites: that link was out of my hands by the way
MJbites: i in no way condone it
MJbites: i believe in traditional american values like "no fucking sea mammals even if you're really horny and desperate"

Just as I do not approve of blow-jobs administered by dolphins (see below), President Bush is not a fan of American soldiers unleashing their yellow rivers of justice on Iraqi prisoners. Sadly, while he did mention he was appalled by the pictures illustrating such abuse, he somehow neglected to let the Arab world know he was sorry. At this point, he should really just send all the leaders of terrorist organizations lacey invitations with calligraphy reading, "The United States welcomes you to blow up any structure you feel represents American imperialism at your earliest convenience. No RSVP required. Shabot Shalom! Haha! Just kidding! Allah Akhbar!"

In other news: Interest in netslackers has recently EXPLODED, by which I mean I have manufactured interest by poking my friends repeatedly and reminding them this website exists. Due to its massive popularity, now when you search for the word "netslackers" on Google, the search engine finds a billion webpages belonging to roughly three websites I submitted a link to (seriously, this one portal called "eatonweb" most have us listed on their site at least a few hundred times as a "similar weblog" to various other blogs we are nothing like). There's also a high demand for jobs here at netslackers. We have been inundated with requests (read: two) to join the writing staff. One applicant, Ben Austin, has been asked to fill out 16 forms (consequently it's the same one over and over again, he just has to use differet color crayons for each and answer creatively) and submit a résumé. The other, Eric Glover, had the following conversation with me which automatically disqualifies him --

Sonixnfire: wanna tell me why i'm still online...? i've got a million jon'ts to do
MJbites: you're on drugs?!
Sonixnfire: you heard me.
MJbites: eric. your life does suck, it's true, but that's no reason to turn to drugs. it's a reason to turn to suicide.
Sonixnfire: don't know what i'd do without you, kc
MJbites: <3

Because he caused me to evoke the heart emoticon (a.k.a.: bizarrely shaped phallic symbol), he will be put to death.

Side note: My girlfriend is pro-choice and pro-death penalty leading me to suspect she is, in fact, the Grim Reaper in disguise. This complicates our relationship somewhat. I mean, I love her, but my feelings of affection are tempered somewhat by my fear that she may arbitrarily decide to put an end to my life.

Rather, I like the man.

2004-05-02T16:52:00.000-04:00

A lazy sunday. I haven't had a lazy day in weeks. Ahhhh. Now if only GAIM would fix its font size issues. I need something to do, considering a blockbuster run, but need suggestions. IM me!

And much love to everyone I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show with last night. Abby and I had an ejoyable time. Well, I Did. Abby seemd to. We saw Pam! And the guy next to pam who looked exactly like Gus, but wasn't.

Comment from KC: Chris is in disagreement that this is a humor site and not a personal blog, so I will liven up his post and keep netslackers in the funny vein by adding the following joke -- actually, I don't have one. Please make one up and pretend I wrote it down here. Thanks.

Addendum from Chris:
Here's a guy getting oral from a dolphin, it's funny! Note that that link has an actual picture of a penis, animated!

Rebuttal from KC: Chris is a sick fuck.

anti-american hero

2004-04-27T16:22:00.000-04:00

John Kerry has committed a sin this country will not soon forget. He's a war hero and fought for the United States when it asked him to, but that doesn't excuse the terrible atrocity he committed when he came back from the war. No, we cannot forgive him because what he did is akin to whipping out your penis and publicly urinating on the American flag while singing red China's national anthem. John Kerry committed an act so despicable and morally repugnant that I feel like I'm being kicked in the groin repeatedly every time I think about it.

If you don't know about this controversy sweeping the nation, let me explain: back in the 70s John Kerry was filmed on camera tossing away some medals or possibly ribbons that may or may not have all been his to protest a war he fought in but now wanted to end and in some interview recently he had the audacity to try defending his actions (Google News).

Yes, I know what you're thinking. This man is the devil himself. George W. Bush avoided the war all together and can't account for some of the time he supposedly spent protecting the United States from any possible Vietnamese invasion of the mid-west, but golly-gee, he sure as HELL didn't throw away the medals his dad gave him to play with because the armed forces wouldn't give him any.

I'd say this definitely gives the edge to my buddy Georgie. But he better be careful. What if the Democrats try the same tactic? What if the Democrats start taking the Republicans to task for all sorts of completely trivial things that have nothing to do with a public official's ability to run the country? What if Kerry points out that Bush taught his daughter how to soak up beer like her wife beater at a wet t-shirt contest? What if the DNC releases an ad featuring Bush's abusive relationship with pretzels? Or even worse, what if they insinuate that Bush was attempting suicide on that fateful day when he passed out trying to digest his snack food and therefore isn't fit as commander-in-chief?

Or imagine if the Clinton campaign had taken a similar approach during the 1996 election and had released a television spot in which the announcer said in a low, worried tone, "Bob Dole takes pills to make his Tricky Dick stiff as a Gore. Do you really want a dirty old man running the land of liberty?"

So please, President Bush and various big business donors, think before you insinuate an American soldier is unpatriotic. I'd hate to see you lose this election just because some liberal hippy jerk brings up that one time you got charged with a DUI.

Remember, a vote for Bush is a vote for freedom, Jesus Christ, and all the people who died in 9-11 including the ones who were Democrats and hated his guts for stealing the election.

Aaah... the beauty of capitalism

2004-04-25T19:13:00.000-04:00

While reading about the marches/protests downtown on wtop's website this afternoon, I stumbled upon an article that I found rather interesting. Apparently, there are grocers that stock food that has been rejected by other stores, for being "too old or too damaged to sell." Now, I know what you are thinking - "why the heck didn't I think of that?" - and the answer is "common sense." Moving from the perspective of entrepreneur to consumer, though, you can rest safely knowing that you have the manager's assurances that he won't sell anything he wouldn't eat... and his judgment is definitely the best - "I've eaten mayonnaise that is a year out of date."

On a more serious note, I am currently building a shoe from scratch, for some Magnet classes are actually fun and have cool assignments. Part of this shoe assignment was to e-mail a shoe company and ask for some sort of help. Well, I received a response from Puma and they told me they are willing to send me a shoe as an example. Not two shoes. One shoe. Faced with this odd situation, I tried to decide what to do what this one shoe so that I could still make good use of it, and brainstormed some ideas. The idea that first came to my head was, of course, to cut off a leg so I'd only need to wear one shoe. However, sawing through bone proved more difficult than I assumed it would be. The next idea I had was even more genius - e-mail another shoe company and ask for a shoe so I'd have a pair. Both New Balance and Adidas, though, proved unreceptive to the idea of sending me a white Puma shoe. It was back to the drawing board, but I managed to come up with another genius idea, which would be to build a replica of the shoe so I'd have a matching pair! But then I realized I'd be doing exactly what the original assignment was, and as a second semester senior, that is unacceptable. Thus, instead of wearing the shoe, I shall use it as a remote control, which is a whole 'nother story. The End.

[EDIT]This picture I picked of Alexander Hamilton is damn sexy... and Blair frisbee owns you... especially if "you" are BCC[/EDIT]

espn wants your soul

2004-04-25T02:18:00.000-04:00

Below is an excerpt from the release you have to agree to if you want to be a part of ESPN's "The Season of the Fan" promotion.

"ESPN and any third parties it selects may . . . alter and/or edit the Material and/or my name, voice, portrayal, actions and/or likeness . . . for any purpose and in any manner whatsoever . . . in any and all media, now known or hereafter devised, in any and all versions, throughout the universe."

That's right, ESPN has UNIVERSAL POWER. If ESPN so chooses, it may photoshop naked pictures of you making passionate love to Bea Arthur and beam them to space aliens along with an edited voice recording of you shouting, "HEIL HITLER!"

In other news: Last I checked a couple hours ago, there were literally a dozen or more cop cars just outside my development and they taped off the entrance to that side of the woods. These woods lead back to my house. I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I MAY BE DEAD BY MORNING. If you don't hear from me sometime in the next week, assume I've met a gruesome end courtesy of the serial killer likely camping out in my backyard. Please notify my next of kin so they can collect my family's remains.

FANTACULAR, SPLENTASTIC BONUS LINK!: A couple weeks ago I stumbled upon one of the smoothest Flash animations I have ever seen and today I stumbled upon a rock and broke my big toe. The focus of this FANTACULAR, SPLENTASTIC BONUS LINK! (TM) is the former. Here it is: Bitey of Brackenwood. Check out the animator's website for more of his work. I recommend checking out his two part hitchHiker short also. The animation is a bit rougher, but the story is excellent.

Gmail and the pope

2004-04-24T19:25:00.000-04:00

I got a gmail account. chris.mulligan@gmaill.com.

I've been hanging out with stage crew and working and stuff. It's fun, but I'm glad I'm doing BNC.

And abby is a pimp pope. I hope she gets a pope mobile.

a timeout for tillman

2004-04-23T20:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to dwell on this because I like to pretend netslackers is a humor site, but this is something I think deserves a little attention.

If you haven't heard, Pat Tillman was killed today. He died fighting in Afghanistan, the same way at least 100 other young Americans have since 2001. I had forgotten about his remarkable story to tell the truth until someone told me about his death earlier today. As many in the media have said, he turned away all the reporters who tried to cover his abrupt change in career paths, so it doesn't seem right to rehash all the details of his background here.

As Adrian Wojnarowski put it in his somewhat roughly written, but well-thought out story on ESPN.com, "An American hero died in Afghanistan on Thursday, but what Pat Tillman was able to remind everyone back home was that, tragically, they die every day."

I had a whole long-winded conclusion to this entry, but I think I'm going to stop now before I begin preaching again and trigger flashbacks to my days as a televangelist. Just remember to observe a moment of silence for fallen troops tonight.

here is a new post

2004-04-21T19:20:00.000-04:00

Yes, folks. It's a new post. But where's the content?! Under the sofa? In the kitchen cabinet? Beneath those moldy pizza crusts that have piled up on my basement floor?

This is where YOU come in! Be the first one to track down the missing entry and win a free amusement park named after you . . . or me, whichever I feel like!

Do whatever you have to to get the content sent to netslackers HQ. If deadly force is your lone option or you find your only course of action is to transport it illegally over the Mexican border hidden away in your narcotics stash, so be it. Jesus will forgive and forget and even if he doesn't, you've got a new rollercoaster so who the hell cares.

In other news: Gmail has officially launched and Ashcroft is suing Google for copyright infringement.

we are love's bitches

2004-04-18T12:39:00.000-04:00

Imagine if you will (and you will, damn it) the following scene:

You are annoyed or angry at someone very close to you, say a family member or your significant other. You convey this to the other person by mumbling or making various dismissive comments because you aren't sure you feel like talking (don't worry, I'm going somewhere with this; netslackers has not turned into a personal diary). Finally you manage to conclude the awkward, stumbling conversation and are about to walk away or hang up the phone when whoever it is you're miffed at whips out the big guns in an effort to defuse you. You try to get out of earshot before they can say it or clap your hands over your ears and sing, "LALALALALALALALALA!" but it's too late.

"I LOVE YOU," they say.

They've got you! Now you are in a very difficult position. Yes, it's true, you love them too, but you're pissed off. This is not a point you can concede! Your mind races. WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU DO?!

It's clear you heard what they said so you can't just ignore the comment. There's nothing you can do. So you say under your breath, "I love you too," with as much enthusiasm as one might expect from someone who is forced to announce to the world that they still wear Pampers Easy Ups.

But wait! There's another option after all! If you're on the phone when your loved one pulls this stunt on you, simply blurt out the following: "OH MY GOD! I'VE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED AND MUST HANG UP THE PHONE IMMEDIATELY TO SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION!" There's nothing they can say to that.

Similarly, if you're talking to them face to face and they say, "I love you," look off into the distance and furrow your eyebrows as if in a deep, worried concentration. Then open your eyes wide in shock and shout, "There is treachery afoot! Someone needs my help! Spectacular Man is off . . . . FOR JUSTICE!"

At this point if you happen to be wearing a shirt with buttons, try ripping it open dramatically and fly away.

Using this strategy, you no longer have to admit that you love whoever it was you were arguing with and you have avoided doing damage to your relationship at the same time! Don't thank me. I'm just doing my job.

stellanor@armaz.ru

2004-04-17T22:32:00.000-04:00

Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

I would have used that as my title, but I didn't feel like it.

I've just finished William Gibson's Pattern Recognition. I found it intriguing. The ending sucked whale bits though. I know, let me have a really complex plot, but then have all the characters dramatically change and conclude the story in 4 pages once I reach my 350 page quota!

Discuss.

beluga beat down

2004-04-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

Abby too has found death by whale. It is a sad day.

Details are still in short supply, but from what I gather, it happened sometime after 10:30 and involved a large beluga, a stick of dynamite, and 7 tons of uncooked bacon. How this resulted in Abby's untimely death is anyone's guess at the moment. Police are calling it an act of terrorism and are currently interogating bacon farmers north of the border.

The questions are many, but one in particular sticks out: Why would Canada so viciously attack its neighbor unprovoked? Only Jesus knows for sure and he's been dead over 2000 years so he won't be much help in the case.

It's 10:15, and the fish are dead

2004-04-16T22:14:00.000-04:00

The time has come. [Cue mood music.] We laughed, we cried, we ate many hot dogs. But now we must say goodbye. But I take with me many lessons from this experience, mainly that sometimes a man's a man, but sometimes he's Terry Li. Poor Terry.

The scene: Room 165
The characters: Abby Graber, Eric Glover, Mr. Mathwin the Almighty

Abby: nyuh
Eric: clicky click.
Mr. Mathwin: Time to go!
Abby: Woo!
Eric: black men do not woo. woot, yo.
Mr. Mathwin: clean up!
Abby: die now
Mr. Mathwin: no
Abby: you seem to have set off my deja vu sensors
Mr. Mathwin: quiet
Abby: righto

So it ends.

It's 8:30, and I've shot the fish

2004-04-16T20:30:00.000-04:00

Ten points if you get a penny through Terry's nose.

The scene: Room 165
The characters: Abby Graber, Eric Glover, Christian Brown, Izaak Orlansky, our Fearless Leader, and The Lord, Our God, Easha Anand.

Abby: this graphic is ugly. it is like a big splotch of ugly in the middle of my page.
Easha: ooh, graphic, pretty
Eric: I radiate ambivalence
Abby: grrr
Izaak: hmmm. indecision.
Abby: grrr
Christian: yeah
Izaak: we'll make it smaller and call it fixed
Abby: observe as i disembowel you with a salad fork
Izaak: observe as i hold your page hostage forever.
Abby: touche.

Later

Abby: now only a fourth of my page is twelve shades of ugly. the rest of it has risen to merely bad.
Christian: yeah
Eric: I radiate ambivalence
Izaak: hmmm. indecision
Easha: well...
Abby: die, graphic, die!
Easha: well...
Abby: too late
Easha: ok
Izaak: ok
Christian: ok
Eric: what?
Abby: triumph.

If I were Superman, I wouldn't be here. Hold that thought.

It's 7:19, and the fish are blahing

2004-04-16T19:19:00.000-04:00

We try to ignore Terry's crazed mutterings as the night continues; most simply avoid that corner of the room, which is beginning to smell of cabbage. Briefly rejuvenated by cake and brownies, we toil on, narrowly avoiding lofting some of the older, sturdier Macintoshes over our heads and hurling them off the roof like bungee jumping, hardwired pidgeons. But without cords.

I could probably kill a buffalo with one of these.

But no buffalos present themselves for the slaughter, and so I am forced to make do squashing small insects beneath the might of my editing pen. Mwahahahaha.

The scene: Room 165
The characters: Abby and a Total Lack of Pizza Guy

Abby: damnit, where's my pizza?
Total Lack of Pizza Guy: ...
Abby: gah

Later

Abby: damnit, where's my pizza
Total Lack of Pizza Guy: sike, right here, yo
Abby: oh. ok.

Listen to the sounds of silence. For now.

It's 6:11, and the fish aren't really doing much of anything

2004-04-16T18:11:00.000-04:00

The strain is beginning to show. With increasing rapidity the madness descends. Now they stare vacantly into space, visions of picas dancing in their heads and guidelines subdividing their brains into small compartments, not quite big enough for a photo, but too large for a graphic. Young Terry Li has taken to wandering about the lab, mumbling indistinctly and jumping at small noises. We throw pennies at him for food and pepper spray him if he comes too close.

And outside, the insanity rages.

The scene: Room 164
The characters: Abby Graber, Katherine Epstein, and Izaak Orlansky, our Fearless Leader, Sreela Whose-Last-Name-Is-Too-Holy-To-Type. Or-Spell.

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: ok
Abby: schwing!

Later

Abby: sign my page
Sreela: ok
Abby: schwing!

Katherine: I abandon you
Abby: die now
Katherine: no
Abby: drat

The scene: The SAC
The characters: Abby Graber, Hot Dog Man, various and sundry Students of Blair

Abby: give a hot dog
Hot Dog Man: no
Abby: oh, shot down
Students of Blair: ::mill mill, chatter, mill::

Back in flash like a flash in a back.

It's 4:39 and the fish are fishing

2004-04-16T16:39:00.000-04:00

Under severe duress from the sterling Public Relations Director of Silver Chips, I am forced to write an entry singing her praises. Fortunately, she has walked away, so I am free to disclose to the world how ugly she is and how rabidly we all hate her and her publicly related ways. Just kidding, Nina. We love you. You can take away the cattle prod now. Ow! Oh, God, no more shocks!

The scene: Room 165
The characters: Abby Graber, Katherine Epstein, and Izaak Orlansky, our Fearless Leader

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: is "hashbrowns" one word or two?
Abby: fool

Later

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: no
Katherine: tralala

But wait, folks, there's more. Just not right now.

a death on the family

2004-04-16T15:35:00.001-04:00

I regret to inform you all that dearly beloved netslackers writer Chris Mulligan was hit and killed by a three ton whale. According to doctors, he experienced little pain because he died in his sleep and wouldn't have been alive long enough after impact to feel anything anyway. The whale was dropped from an airplane, meaning it was falling at such a high rate of speed that the time between the moment the fat, blubbery underbelly of the overgrown fish touched a hair on his head to the moment it reached the pavement and began its journey to the center of the earth, was nearly instantaneous.

All mourners are welcome to the funeral. Shamu will perform the ceremony and direct the sea burial of the whale corpse.

Meanwhile, Chris's mushy remains have been purchased by the Motts company and packaged as strawberry applesauce.

Authorities have not yet reached a conclusion as to whether Chris or the whale was responsible for the deadly collision. The whale family maintains that Chris was drunk at the time of the accident and refused to get out of the way of their airborne son. "Had [Chris] not been pounding vodka and recklessly walking about in the mall parking lot," said the whale's father, "my son would still be with us today."

When the coroner pointed out that the whale was most likely killed by the force of gravity propelling it into the ground and not by the impact of Chris's body moving at approximately 0.0 mph vertically, the family laughed bitterly and called it a government conspiracy.

For Chris's sake, call President Bush and demand he stop dropping large mammals out of airplanes over populated civilian areas. If we all make an effort, we can make change.

Thank you.

It's 3:35 and the fish are hopping

2004-04-16T15:35:00.000-04:00

I have commandeered netslackers for the evening and will be posting LIVE! (but progressively deader) updates from Late Friday with Silver Chips. Be enthralled. But don't forget to eat your vitamins.

41 minutes of progress have been made, and no one has collapsed from radiation leaking from the monitor, become paralyzed by carpal tunnel, or thrown themselves out of the lab window in madness. But the night is young.

The scene: Room 164
The characters: Katherine Epstein, Abby Graber, and Izaak Orlansky, our Fearless Leader

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: quiet, you are unimportant

Abby: ooh, hangman
Katherine: E
Abby: no
Katherine: I
Abby: no
Katherine: Phytoplankton
Abby: yes

Abby: sign my page
Izaak: no

Stay tuned. Or tune your stay. Either one.

I can title my post? How postmodern.

2004-04-16T00:09:00.000-04:00

I don't care how famous a poet your are, "wound" still doesn't rhyme with "found." They may be spelled similarly. There may be a cunning configuration of vowels that would suggest the possibility of a chance of the semblence of a rhyme, mayhap, if the weather is clear and the dog doesn't eat it. But this is a vicious lie, like so many things in my life. One day it will not be 12:04, and I could list some of them.

Anyways.

Whenever I read "blah blah blah wound, blah blah blah found," my little mental voice goes "fooned." Which is silly, because that is not all up in the English language.

So Marvell is all like, "tralala, it is a poem about trees and there are trees, ooh look, trees pretty, be all appreciating of my extended metaphor for life FOONED!"

And I am all like, "hehehehehehe" and not up in the appreciating, except for the unintended humor value.

Oh Marvell. Marvell Marvell Marvell. There are too many l's in your name.

liberal propaganda

2004-04-07T03:57:00.000-04:00

"If you've ever seen six year-olds play soccer, that's the mainstream media."
-Jon Stewart

Get ready for a shocker: I, Keith Ricky Ricardo Richard "Tricky Dick" Costanzo, am a liberal. Thus it goes without saying that I consider radio talk show hosts lower than low (I would have found something low to compare them to like sewage or manure, but it's much too late at night/early in the morning to come up with something clever so I've decided to abandon all attempts at anything remotely resembling real humor in this entry). Because let's face it: the news media has a right-wing bias so blatant that every time I hear Fox News call itself "Fair and Balanced" I feel the urge to attack my television set with my admittedly decorational, but surprisingly sharp sword. And radio talk show hosts are by far the worst. They enjoy doing as little research as possible and supliment their flimsy arguments with "facts" gathered from conservative rumor mills and press releases from consevative think tanks. Rush Limbaugh, the public's favorite hypocritical, drug-addled tub of lard, uses his show to preach the gospel according to Matt Drudge, a man devoted to reporting unsubsantiated rumors and packaging them as legitimate news on the world's ugliest website.

So it also goes without saying that I was very happy when Air America Radio launched about a week ago. For those of you that don't know, Air America Radio is the liberal response to the right-wing mainstream media. Al Franken, the guy from Saturday Night Live and author of several hilarious books, hosts one of the shows and lends legitimacy to the whole campaign. While I haven't listened to it much yet as it doesn't air in the DC area, I can already say with confidence that Air America's programming beats the competition's to a pulp.

I don't really have a conclusion to this post or anything particularly funny to say. I just wrote this to get the word out. So go. Go now. Fill your mind with liberal propaganda.

SUPER BONUS COVERAGE!: I may have to agree with some of the analysis of AAR provided by none other than Something Awful (article here). In his commentary, Zack Parsons calls Randi Rhodes, one of the hosts of a show on AAR, some not too nice things. Well I've been listening to her for about an hour now and I have to say she is very very very annoying. She seems unable to let go of minor issues and that stupid accent of hers is starting to piss me off. So from what I've heard so far, I'm not all that impressed, but I will hold off judgement until I have heard The O'Franken Factor which I expect to kick ass. In the mean time, I'm still listening and I must make the following plea to God: Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, remove all noise making orifices from Rhodes' body. Some of the stuff she says I agree with, but she's saying it in ways that make me want Limbaugh to envelope her in one of his folds of fat, never to be seen again.

2004-03-29T22:20:00.000-05:00

Feelin' groovy...

Today is a good day.

I implemented my cunning plans to escape the dark lair of Satan (i.e. AP Lit), brandishing a hall pass like the crucifix itself and calling, "Back, Demon spawn! Release me from your damnéd grasp!" Blinded by the light of my permission slip, Satan stumbled back in agony, allowing me to make my escape. Then they took blood from me and gave me goldfish and cookies.
I made an obscene amount of money for two hours of strolling, reading, making tea, and puzzling out third grade math problems (tricky stuff).
Mmmm... nap.
Tufts wants to bear my children

All of this is mitigated by the fact that the Tufts website is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

But I'm not complaining.

2004-03-27T00:19:00.000-05:00

So, since KC's been pushing me to write something and I can't think of anything funny, I'll tell of my crazy friday night hijinks even though no one cares and it's not very amusing. It does, however, fill up a lot of space!

At 8 pm on this lovely Friday night, I, as I thought most kids were, was working on a discrete math C++ program to execute the simplex algorithm since all previous attempts to do something had failed, but Greg interrupted me with a phone call and insisted we do something fun like most high-schoolers. I, having gained all knowledge of normal high school life from "Saved By the Bell," decided this was a good idea since those wacky kids at Bayside High were always doing fun things, like hanging out at that middle table at the diner, and hanging out at that middle table at the diner. Thus, we put on our thinking caps and finally came up with a fun solution. We immediately tossed that fun idea away and instead went to Barnes & Noble and spent two hours browsing books. I now consider myself much more educated in relationships after spending a long period of time checking out relationship books, but I did not discover 100% of all books in the relationship section of the bookstore are geared toward insecure middle-aged women until AFTER I began getting extremely irritated at men for constantly changing channels on TV as I read book after book on the subject.

Following these amazing exploits, we headed back towards Greg's car, but we discovered that while we were browsing books, the parking lot had filled with souped-up and shiny cars and large groups of people surrounding each one talking about various car-related terms like "hey you," "dork, step," "away from," and "my car." Therefore, Greg's 10-year-old Toyota Camry station wagon was not quite up to snuff to the cars surrounding it and we were met with a variety of amused glares and scoffing noises as we stepped in the car. It was not until we began pumping billy joel through his speakers that I think we began to gain the respect of the crowd.

At this point, we were, of course, hungry since we had done so much reading and billy joel listening. Ice cream, it seemed, was a good option, but Ben + Jerry's likes to charge up to AND above 3 dollars for a bit of ice cream that can fit in this hole: O. Like all smart American consumers, we decided to go with quantity over quality and bought a 12 pack of GIANT brand ice cream bars for 2 dollars and ate them until we felt nausea setting in. At that point, we called it a night.

2004-03-26T01:53:00.000-05:00

Hee.

It's 1:52 a.m. Not that I have anything better to do.

pitty is your friend

2004-03-22T20:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, this is my super hot girlfriend. How have I managed to keep her with me for almost nine months now? It's a little something I like to call "THE PITTY ATTACK." When I get the feeling she's losing interest in me, I sink into a fake depression and threaten suicide. It works every time.

Some of you may not be as good at "THE PITTY ATTACK" as I am. To such people I say practice makes perfect. Try it on your disobedient dog first. Command it to sit. When it completely ignores you, begin crying uncontrollably and seemingly inconsolably. If you find you can't make yourself cry, try stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork. Assuming your dog has any sense of decency whatsoever, it will immediately sit down in front of you because of its overwhelming sense of guilt. Or perhaps it's just relaxing to enjoy the entertainment you provide flopping around on the floor as you slip on your own tears, much as you yourself park your lard-ass in front of the television for reruns of whatever TV show it is where people do something similar to that.

If you have any questions about "THE PITTY ATTACK," direct them to Branden and Chris. They have far more experience in it than I do.

2004-03-11T21:04:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm. Keep this up and we may have to change our name to netsometimestheypostoknotthatofteners.

Moving on...

I have found a new way to do nothing and shoot penguins while I'm doing it. It's amazing how many games there are involving Total Penguin Destruction out on the Internet. And a few with just Mild Penguin Discomfort. And I will play them all.

Or you could try the cows.

2004-03-11T20:46:00.000-05:00

The Red Balloon is widely considered a work of art without equal. Actually, I could be making that up. I’ve never heard anyone say one way or the other whether they like the film. I’m just assuming someone out there enjoyed it because it has been shown in schools across the country roughly eight billion times. Or so I’m told. Again, I don’t really know. I don’t actually look these things up. I enjoy pulling big, juicy facts directly out of my ass and plopping them down right here on this webpage for everyone to marvel at. Don’t question my motivation; research is for the uncreative.

So, as I was saying, The Red Balloon was one totally bitchin’ flick. I was moved to tears when the balloon was ritualistically killed by samurai assassins at the end. It ranks right up there on the tear-jerker list with the moving death row scene in Old Yeller when the dog is put down via lethal injection for a murder he didn’t commit.

If you haven’t seen this action-packed drama before, let me give you a summary. There’s a boy. He finds a red balloon. The boy walks around with the balloon. Then, in a move hailed by art critics as an act of God, the boy proceeds to run with the balloon. To keep the audience from becoming over stimulated and to prevent seizures caused by sheer excitement, the boy goes back to walking around with the balloon. Then he starts talking to the balloon because the director was injecting himself with heroin and smoking two joints with his nostrils while on the set. A bunch of stuff no one really cares about happens and the balloon begins to stalk the boy all around France while remaining just out of his reach. Some more stuff happens and then everyone decides it would be a good idea to attack the boy repeatedly because, well, he’s always got that fucking red balloon and frankly it’s starting to piss people off. Long story short, the balloon gets popped and the boy looks really sad until something magical happens: a whole shit-load of balloons swarm around him, apparently angry he let their friend die. He decides the prudent course of action would be to grab a hold of the dozens of helium-filled balloons and ends up rocketing into the sky whereupon he presumably suffocates while in orbit above Earth.

Yes, a lovely movie to be sure. However, I still feel I should point out a few things the director goofed up on.

1. Balloons do not follow people.
2. Balloons do not travel in packs except when held by a vendor.
3. Balloons are not known to be cunning and rarely purposefully avoid being grabbed.
4. The actors spoke French or possibly gibberish. I’m not sure which.
5. The children wore disturbingly short shorts. This is immoral and also really dorky looking.
6. The boy kept having discussions with strangers and following them home. This sends the wrong message to our youngsters.
7. The director forgot to tell us what the fuck the point of the movie was.

Do I really need to have a meaningful conclusion for this? Probably, but I don’t care because I’m lazy. Yep, no motivational issues here.

2004-03-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

It does not become because it is becoming, but it is in a state of becoming because it becomes.

Thank you, Socrates, for clearing that up.

Other Socratic conversational gems include:

If that which is holy is the same with that which is dear to God, and is loved because it is holy, then that which is dear to God would have been loved as being dear to God; but if that which dear to God is dear to him because loved by him, then that which is holy would have been holy because loved by him.

He has a beak, and long straight hair, and a beard which is ill grown.

As I perceive that you are lazy, I will myself endeavor to show you how you might instruct me in the nature of piety.

Ooooh, Euthyfro got owned.

Please to exert yourself.

Please to be speaking the English language. Wait, he was Greek. Nevermind.

To sum up:

B182bwb: if I was having a conversation with him... I'd freak out
plaidgonzo: if i was having a conversation with him, i'd freak out
plaidgonzo: cause i'd be dead
plaidgonzo: or on some very potent drugs
B182bwb: or you used a telephone booth
B182bwb: that can go through time
plaidgonzo: that wouldn't freak me out
plaidgonzo: that'd be hella tight

2004-03-09T19:58:00.000-05:00

So.

I was going to update. Really I was. Ages ago. Before the great KC madness spread o'er the web. And then blogger did it's best Gandalf/Dr. Smith imitation: "You Shall Not Pass!" The system forgot my password or something. And I couldn't be bothered to fix it. Until I did. Which was now. So now I'm posting.

Too bad I don't have anything to say.

I leave you to ponder this question, first posed to the world by Pinky and the Brain, the most brilliant show the WB was ever lucky enough to have grace it's lineup:

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep on doing it?

Think on it.

2004-03-04T19:42:00.000-05:00

[01:00] Dazi1881: KC stop making me laugh im to tired to laugh
[01:01] KC: i can't help it. i just bring the funny. you want the funny? you come to me. you can't find me? you can order the funny. ill rush deliver it. 1-3 business days not including holidays.
[01:03] Dazi1881: ok..that my friend was not funny
[01:03] Dazi1881: NIGHT
[01:03] *** Dazi1881 signed off at Sun Feb 29 01:03:22 2004.
[01:03] KC: shut down! OUCH!

Some would take rejection like the above hard. I, on the other hand, do not. Possibly because I am an android incapable of emotion and built for the sole purpose of eradicating the human race and possibly because I am a comedy God and therefore if you don't think I'm funny, you're going to the fiery pits of hell where Bob Jones and Pat Robertson will beat you with their Bibles until you pass out or agree to vote for George W. Bush in your next life.

Have you noticed that humor columnists and people who think they're funny use an inordinate amount of unnecessary vocabulary in order to beef up their word count and make sentences that really don?t serve a purpose seem hilariously funny just because of the sheer excess squeezed into the clause? For instance, the same thought is repeated over and over again throughout the course of a paragraph just so more loopy sentences can be manufactured with gratuitous, totally redundant phrases, disguising the fact that the author really doesn?t have a joke in mind.

Ad update: There are still no ads for pornography on netslackers. Instead, we have been burdened with marketing for hand dryers. You know, like the kind we've talked about several times on this very site. Oh wait, no we haven't. ("Experience a Lifetime of Savings with the most complete and affordable line of maintenance-free electric hand dryers." You know you want to get your hand on that SWEEEEEEET DR Series Model. I just quiver at the thought of having my hands dried by one of those beautiful monsters) Also, why, in Related Searches, does the term "Backstreet Boys Fan Fiction" sometimes appear? What have we done to piss Jesus and the Holy Ghost off so? Is there even an action that deserves a punishment so cruel?

Marvel at my god awful html skills.

In other news: Jumping out of window to win a bet is uncool. Just say no. However, jumping out of a window in order to win a bet and get an educator fired is totally awesome. Watch as teenage girls flock to your bedside at the hospital and worship you as the messiah for getting their geometry teacher suspended without pay. You would truly be the stud of your high school class and could finally distance yourself from those punks you used to hang out with in the Trench Coat Mafia.

Please note: I would like to bring your attention to the fact that there is now a post for the month of October, 2003 despite the fact that nothing was in fact written in October of 2003. Magic.

2004-02-29T12:24:00.000-05:00

[12:15] MJbites: dude i updated netslackers. its amazing
[12:17] Chris: oh man, is this one of the first signs of the apocalypse?
[12:17] MJbites: yes. yes it is.
[12:17] MJbites: also, a metorite hit africa yesterday and as a result a new ice age should be rolling in any minute now
[12:17] Chris: awesome
[12:18] MJbites: indeed

2004-02-29T03:20:00.000-05:00

My how time flies when you're deranged and can't sleep!

I realize my last update left you on quite a cliffhanger. This was unfair and wrong of me. I personally dislike it when my favorite television adventures are interrupted by the words "To be continued" or my local news affiliate breaking in to announce that a tornado is headed in our general direction as long as "our general direction" means "three states to our west." As you all know by now, I was without heat and quickly dying of hypothermia. I'm sure you're all excited to know how this riveting ordeal concluded, but first, I must bring you an

Ad update: There are still no ads for pornography or videos of cops chasing down minority suspects posted above this message. We're all praying one day this site will be graced with their presence.

And now the conclusion of the heater story: I didn't die of hypothermia and I now have warm air.

THE END.

Also, here is a picture of a hat that looks like a cow and a picture of a man who will never get a date even if he pays for one. I hope you like them.

2004-02-29T02:17:00.000-05:00

What?! You thought I'd give up on my quest to post once every hour so prematurely?! Clearly you have underestimated the power of my insomnia.

Clearly I have overestimated my ability to come up with something to write so often.

I did notice that, according to a post I made exactly a year and two days ago, Fred "Mr. Rogers" Rogers died exactly . . . a year and two days ago. As I write these words, I am sobbing uncontrollably and also looking up how to spell "uncontrollably" because I always get confused about what to do with the "e" that adverbs that end in "ly" normally have at the end when they aren't adverbs. Mr. Rogers was a great man.

Added super-value bonus special!: My heater is blowing cold air on me. Perhaps this would account for why I am not currently warm and toasty, two conditions the heater's box promised to deliver to me. A kind, benevolent God would not allow this to occur.

See you in 60 minutes!

2004-02-29T01:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, so my new goal is to post something new EVERY HOUR FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

Now I've never gone back on my word and I always strive to attain my goals, so I either have to go through with this now or fake my own death and move to Honduras where I can start a new life in a country inhabited by citizens unaware I have made this promise.

My train of thought has derailed and is unlikely to be rerailed anytime in the near future so for now i will allow the train to continue chugging through the forests and various roads adjacent to the tracks until it hits a brick wall or a police blockade and explodes.

There are ads above this page. I'm sure you've all noticed them. Our host rips words from our posts and uses them to taylor ads to our site. For instance, the ads I'm looking at right now have to do with hotels in Rockville because someone wrote something about Rockville earlier on. These ads are boring. If we're going to have ads on our page and not reap the profits, we should at least have interesting ads. That's why I am now going to include a list of words that will hopefully make the ads entertaining: porn, porn, porn, action, adventure, porn, free money, the world's greatest police chases, mystery and intrigue.

I'll let you know if the results are positive.

2004-02-29T00:25:00.000-05:00

The lazy man's way out of creating a new entry to avoid having his website labled dead is to post an instant message conversation. This also makes the poster a jerk, because no one likes reading online conversations. Nonetheless.

KC: i have run out of websites to look at
KC: what am i going to do?!
Branden: build your own?
KC: boooooooooring
KC: i need an exciting new webpage that will keep me engrossed for hours until i fall asleep from sheer exhaustion
Branden: big-moco.com
KC: i knew that would be your suggestion, so i crafted this carefully worded response in reply . . . let me just copy it over from ms word where i prepared it:
KC: no.
Branden: oh snapple
KC: indeed.

It wasn't even a very good conversation. Oh God, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you all, I swear! Here! I'll, uh, link to this amusing picture of something i don't understand.

HA! Wasn't that hilarious?! Please?

One day I will post something funny, and on that day, I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

2004-01-31T23:31:00.000-05:00

Consider this a placeholder cause I'm a cheater.

2003-12-21T14:30:00.000-05:00

I figured I might as well post because the redskins are not keeping me entertained.

I do not like driving. I do not like shopping. Thus, it was with great trepidation that I chose to go in search of christmas gifts friday night at 6 o'clock on rockville pike. Armed with a whopping 20% of coupon to kitchens etc., I headed to this store and began shopping. My dad had told me my grandmother needed a bread knife. A knife, you may think, is a perfect gift for a relative, and I thought so too, so I picked up an excellent bread knife with an awesome grip handle! (or so the package says) Next, I picked up a lunch carrying case for my sister. Unfortunately, it was only seven dollars, so I figured I would seem like a cheapwad to my sister, so I purchased the epitome of awesomeness... A PLASTIC MICROWAVEABLE CONTAINER.

My next stop was radioshack... where i purchased audio cables for myself (I love the spirit of christmas). On the way out I had an experience just like KC has had. While I had been perusing cables in the store, a man had parked his car next to mine; leaving about 0.5 cm of space. And as I went to leave my parking spot... he stood and watched, obviously waiting for me to dent his car. But, alas, unlike KC, I successfully pulled out of the spot ... and almost backed into another car ... but that's another story (actually, its not)

My last stop was a place that I like to shop that I'm reluctant to state here because it's a little place only i know of - a little place called best buy. But, fate stepped in and determined that I should not shop there because as I drove in... a car exiting drove almost directly into me, and as it was an suv... my entire field of vision was occupied by his headlights. I then had to carefully back myself into rockville pike (noooooot cool) and get out of his way. This, I decided, was an omen, and headed home.

People with gifts taken care of: 2
People without gifts taken care of: Many (but... its only december 21... I have plenty of time)

And thus, I am done rambling, and the redskins stilllll aren't entertaining me.

2003-12-03T19:09:00.000-05:00

Get your party hats out folks 'cause I'm back. Again. Have I used that line before?

So, today I smashed my car in and I did it in the exact spot I smashed my car in last year. There's something about yield signs that just doesn't get through to me.

It's strange that you can slam into someone’s car and not realize what you've done until 15 seconds later. My hand looks like it's been burned from the impact of the airbag against it. DAMN those things are fast. I didn't even really notice when it deployed until I looked in front of me and found it deflated like Michael Jackson's career against the steering wheel (please, comedy gods, forgive me this transgression).

The great thing about hitting trucks is that they are indestructible. The result is that the only car you have to pay for damages to is your own . . . though you’re lucky if you don’t find your engine in the passenger’s seat or lodged in your skull.

The guy I hit was nice enough. He didn’t get out and scream at me for being a mental fuckup. All he did was ask if I was all right and then give me driving tips. “Don’t look away from the road.” Ah, so that’s where it all went wrong.

I couldn’t help but notice someone was tailgating me as I drove home with the airbag in my lap, the front of the car smooshed in like Michael Jackson’s nose (har!) and the windows down so I wouldn’t have to breathe in all the powder that spilled out with the airbag. I nearly turned around and shouted, “BITCH! Does this really look like the kind of driver you want to be fucking with?” I should have slammed on the breaks to make the back match the front.

I’ve been in two accidents now. Here are my statistics:
Win-Loss record: 0-2
Fatalities: 0
Batting average/blood alcohol level at the time of the accidents: .000
Amount I, personally have paid for all the destruction: $0.00
Amount certain other family members have paid for all my destruction: Much more
Amount I’ll have to pay for car insurance in the not too distant future: HOLY FUCK!

And . . . I'm out. BOOYA!

2003-11-12T23:22:00.000-05:00

special congratulatory post celebrating abby and kc's mastery of CAP. whee!

my passing present to myself is 6 hours of sleep. but only because it's a special occasion.

yay.

2003-10-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

There was no post for October. We all felt ashamed we went for a month without leaving a message on our beloved netslackers. Therefore, by unanimous decision (and by unanimous I of course mean just me), we have elected to award the month of October a post several months after October ended. October is reportedly thrilled to receive this honor and would love to be here to accept the award, but unfortunately it was unavailable tonight and is booked solid until.... well, October.

Happy Halloween from the future. (3/4/2004)

2003-09-21T20:49:00.000-04:00

HOLY CRAP! KC "COUNT BEASTLY" COSTANZO UP IN THE HIZZZZOU!

All right, so it's been awhile . . . . again, but the important thing is I'm here now.

So I've been thinking of starting up my own chain of restaurant franchises. I'm interested in starting a waffle house or something along those lines . . . you know, breakfast food. I figure there aren't enough fast food places that do exclusively morning meals any time of the day.

Starting up a restaurant would give me a chance to employ the various Costanzos out there who are either unemployed or too lazy to find work. So not only would I be able to make money, I'd be helping out the family as well. And you know us Italians. Damn fine cooks. Even when it comes to, er, Belgian Waffles.

I'm thinking of calling it "International Waffles or Pancakes" . . . IWOP for short.

I'll be here all week.

BONUS CRAP: Look what I found! A history of discrimination against the people who discriminate against Italians! What a niche book. And in keeping with Italian pride, heres a hip-hop group made up entirely of wops. According to their site they play "UNIQUE BLAZIN' AMERICAN-ITALIAN HIP WOP." I haven't listened to any of their stuff, but they make me ashamed to share their ethnicity.

2003-08-26T12:08:00.000-04:00

Why King Lear is Shakespeare's greatest comedy:

1. "Your eldest daughters have fordone themselves, and desperately are dead." 5.3.296-297 --That's pretty much what I want written on my tombstone: She fordid herself and is now desperately dead. How can you be nondesperately dead? Death seems pretty desperate.

2. Edgar: "Sweet marjoram!" 4.6.93

3. First Servant: Introduced for all of thirty seconds then stabbed to death. Best bit part ever.

4. Everybody dies. That's always hilarious.

Stay tuned for King Lear: the one act musical comedy.

2003-07-22T10:42:00.000-04:00

So, I've decided that netslackers should become a forum for shameless self-promotion.

Come see

CHICAGO

as done by Wildwood Summer Theatre at Quince Orchard High School on July 25 and 26 and August 1, 2, 8, and 9 at 8 o'clock pm or, should you wish, on August 3 at 2 o'clock pm.

I'll be on spotlight, Jessica Stamler is a Merry Murderess and Roxie's understudy, and there are a couple of other Blair people whom I don't think most of you know scattered about the production. So, drop by and worship at the altar of Fosse. It's a good show, and it's cheap (the more important thing). Bring a date. Bring ten dates. Have your dates bring dates, it's a big auditorium. Come or get kicked.

2003-07-16T01:59:00.000-04:00

Hmmmmm. Well, while we're examining the hideous travesty that is the Bush administration, I would just like to briefly highlight the stupidity of the official White House statement regarding the recent Supreme Court decision banning statewide criminalization of homosexual sexual acts:
"Well, I guess it's up to the states now."
No, it's not up to the states, you dumb shit, that's what the whole bloody decision means. When something goes to the Supreme Court that means the decision applies to everyone, not just the state who had the case in their jurisdiction. That's why it's called the friggin' Supreme Court, not the Mildly Influential Court, or the Sort-of Important Court, or the Court of Ambiguity, so I Guess You Don't Really Have to do What We Say. Supreme. As in almighty. As in big, badass Court of administering the holy ass-whooping to the assholes that dare defy it. The four states with laws against homosexuality have to strike those laws from the books because they're unconstitutional. Remember that, Bush? It's that ugly, yellow looking piece of paper with the big words on it that you don't understand written in funny handwriting that you can't read because YOU'RE DUMB! Why has nobody in the media picked up on this?

Also, everyone's all hot and bothered that this means that gay marriages will be legalized. First of all, the decision has nothing to do with gay marriage, so keep your trousers on. Second of all, who the fuck cares if people in love want to get married? It's none of Fred Phelp's or Rush Limbaugh's business if two people completely unrelated to them want to be together personally and legally. As far as the government is concerned, marriage is a civil union, not a religious one. And since it's a fundamentalist religious restriction that prevents gay marriages, they can't constitutionally recognize that limitation. Reform jews have no problem with gay marriage. Atheists don't care. I'm sure there are other religions that are totally ok with it. To me, homophobic worries over the demoralization of marriage by allowing gays to get married is the perfect example of Not My Problem. If you have an issue with gay people getting married, or buying a house, or getting jobs, whatever. That's your problem, not theirs. The homophobes are the ones causing the problems, not their targets. Homosexuals getting married doesn't devalue any one else's family or harm them in any way. The people bigots are prejudiced against shouldn't be punnished for their ignorance. Same thing for sexism and racism. You, Mr. Bush, are just intent on making it their problem because you're a bastard.

Now go kill small children while driving drunk, cause after all, there's no holy injunction against that, now is there?

2003-07-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

Holy shit! There haven't been updates in quite some time now. To the one or two dedicated fans netslackers has out there (read: scandalous j . . . a.k.a. Josh) we apologize for not adding new content. We know you’ve come to depend on our humble site for reading material and alas we have let you down. However, owing to the fact that it’s summer we do not in fact, to put it bluntly, “give a flying fuck.” And, as the name implies, no one is particularly dedicated to this so we really haven’t failed at all.

In closing, that entire paragraph should have been deleted before I posted this seeing as it contradicts itself at the end. Such is life.

At any rate, the real reason I’m posting is to ask our dedicated reader(s) to ponder the following: is it worse to lie to Congress, a pack of cheating, power hungry politicians, about receiving head from an astoundingly ugly intern who probably isn’t even a woman (or at the very least wasn’t born one) or is it worse to use evidence you know to be blatantly false in order to gain support for a war against a threat that isn’t so much imminent as it is non-existent? In other words, would it make more sense to impeach a man for having an affair or to impeach a man for thrusting his country into a battle because it’s politically advantageous?

Hmm. I know; that’s a toughy.

As I’m sure you all know, Bush lied to the very citizens he was “elected” to serve and it looks like he’s going to get away with it by blaming it on the CIA. Well Mr. President, some of us aren’t interested in seeing you get off that easy.

The documents Bush used as proof that Hussein was trying to mail-order weapons of mass destruction were forgeries and he knew it.

You used documents widely known in the intelligence community to be forged as proof that Hussein was trying to mail-order weapons of mass destruction all so you could make a case for a war we didn’t need in the first place. Not only did you use them, you were warned not to. The CIA made it clear in the past you shouldn’t use fabrications as evidence in your speeches. In fact, you even took their advice once. So why did it suddenly become all right later on to go ahead and insert made up facts into your address to the nation? Could you explain that one to me? Please?

And here’s the answer you’ve supplied us with: Because the British said it was true.

Well yes they did. But guess who set the record straight over on their little island. That’s right, the CIA. They explained to the English that no, the documents they were using to hand-feed the war to their own citizens were not in fact correct in the strictest sense of the word.

But our President didn’t care because he’s an American, goddamnit! And Americans can do whatever they damn well please, thank you very much.

And by the way . . . where did these forgeries come from? Hussein? Was the evil bad man from Iraq making up lies to destroy your career Mr. Bush? That’s the only logical explanation and clearly it’s yet another justification for war to add to the quickly growing and never-ending list.

One more interesting thing to point out: CIA Director George Tenet is sitting by as he gets slimed by the very administration he helped try to prevent from embarrassing itself. Sure Bush says he’s in Tenet’s corner, but he’ll find something else to blame him for in the coming months and Tenet will quickly find himself out of a job.

Oh well. You win some, you lose some, right? And sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, correct? Well in this case, the cracked eggshells look like the remains of Iraq and the turmoil you’ve unleashed on this country. And the omelet? Why, it’s your bid for another four years in office. So what if a few things have to go to hell in order for you reach your goal? The important thing is that you get the power you so richly deserve.

Ok, I lied, one more thing I need to show the readers:

The new disclosure suggests how eager the White House was in January to make Iraq's nuclear program a part of its case against Saddam Hussein even in the face of earlier objections by its own CIA director. It also appears to raise questions about the administration's explanation of how the faulty allegations were included in the State of the Union speech.
-The Washington Post

Wow. Looks like they’ve rediscovered the old liberal slant. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like seeing editorializing in a news article, but I have to admit, it’s nice to see our local paper assert its independence from the conservative propaganda machine once known as the news media.

All right, I think that makes up for at least a few missed updates. Maybe I’ll get some help at some point from the rest of the netslackers . . . (hint, hint, nudge, nudge).

------------------------

Edit: It looks like Maureen Dowd agrees with me . . .

------------------------

Update (7/14): According to the White House, it's a 'bunch of bull'

This revisionist notion that somehow this is now the core of why we went to war, a central issue in why we went to war, a fundamental underpinning of the president's decisions, is a bunch of bull.
-Ari Fleischer

Looks like Ari is getting a bit flustered. Let's hear it for the professionalism he exudes. Why does this man still have a job?

2003-06-22T21:52:00.000-04:00

Hulk: The Incredible Conversation/Scathing Review

With your hosts Branden "B182bwb" Buehler and KC "KCNile" Costanzo

KCNile: went to see the hulk after that with my two of my friends and morgan
KCNile: my god did that movie suck
B182bwb: well, duh
KCNile: but. it was beyond bad. it was . . . . horrible. like a bad dream
B182bwb: just count the days 'till shaolin soccer
B182bwb: that will counter the crappiness of hulk
KCNile: er
KCNile: i dont think anything can counteract the shittyness of the hulk
KCNile: you couldn't actually see the big fight scene at the end because its almost completely black. im not even sure what the bad guy looked like at the end
KCNile: and there is no plot
B182bwb: but... did HULK SMASH
KCNile: yes. . . over and over and over again. id say the second half of the movie consisted primarily of hulk taking five mile leaps and then hitting a helicopter or tank and throwing it into a mountain side or something while everyone in the theater laughed
B182bwb: people laughed?
KCNile: yes. pretty much throughout the movie
KCNile: people would laugh whenever hulk did anything
B182bwb: because the people were stupid... or the movie was stupid
KCNile: the movie was stupid. for instance, at the end of the movie he explodes and everyone thinks hes dead. but it turns out he went to south america and became a medicine man for no reason at all.
B182bwb: really?
KCNile: and then someone steals his medicine and he says "you wouldn't like me when im angry" in spanish and the movie ends
KCNile: yes
KCNile: really
B182bwb: that's pretty bad
KCNile: no kidding
KCNile: one of the bad guys he fights is a mutant poodle
B182bwb: and people actually wrote the script?
B182bwb: not monkeys?
KCNile: im not sure exactly
KCNile: they tried really hard to make it look like a comic book so there were transitions every five seconds and split screens almost all the time. sometimes the split screens showed the same things only at slightly different angles
B182bwb: but comic books.... don't move
B182bwb: I read some review that talked about how great that was, and just thought, "wow, that would suck to watch"
KCNile: indeed it did
KCNile: it was really confusing. the first half of the movie is pretty much banner experimenting with stuff and then watching it explode. like, for instance, a frog.
B182bwb: that sounds cool
KCNile: probably the best scene in the movie
B182bwb: that's a better peak than some movies
B182bwb: how fake looking was the hulk?
KCNile: um, i dunno. he looked pretty fake but i dont know how much of that was the graphics or the fact that its hard to make a green giant look realistic
B182bwb: well, as long he wasn't jolly
KCNile: the thing that didnt make sense was that he could jump like a mile into the air and a mile far. doesnt really work even given his proportions.
B182bwb: but... he's the hulk
B182bwb: he can do whatever he wants
B182bwb: because he's mad
B182bwb: and anger is cool
KCNile: right. forgot about that
KCNile: i wasnt really sure if we were supposed to like him or not. he kept killing people
B182bwb: that was an attempt to make you feel "conflicted"
B182bwb: and it was supposed to make you go "that was a thought-provoking movie"
KCNile: indeed. i had many thoughts after the movie such as "why was the hulk such a jack ass?" and "did i really just spend more than two hours in that theater?"
B182bwb: so, it was thought-provoking
B182bwb: so, it was thus worth your money and time
KCNile: i . . . i never looked at it that way
B182bwb: you are not a qualified movie-goer
KCNile: i guess you're right. thank god we have abby. surely she knows how to watch a movie properly
B182bwb: yes, thank goodness
B182bwb: she will surely praise the movie for all of it's worth
KCNile: yes. . . i dont doubt that she will.

2003-06-09T08:18:00.000-04:00

God hates America. Well, at least according to the freak who runs godhatesamerica.com. I asked him if his site was just a big joke and if I was reading too far into it. Here's what he told me.

From: "God Hates America"
To: "'Keith Costanzo'"
Subject: RE: hi
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 08:20:00 -0500

If it was His will to let this nation grow powerful, arrogant, prideful and pompous, then yes He would, and has. You obviously don't know much about the Bible, otherwise you wouldn't ask such an obvious question. God raised up Pharaoh for the express purpose of showing His power through Pharaoh's destruction during the Exodus of the Israelites. He raised up Babylon for the express purpose of showing His wrath agains Israel (a strong, militarily mighty and wealthy nation at the time). God does with His creation what He pleases.

Thank you for visiting www.godhatesamerica.com. Please visit our sister site, www.godhatesfags.com, and for an interesting view into Westboro Baptist Church, visit www.fredthemovie.com.

There you have it folks. A well thought out justification for why God hates America. Clearly after such amazing argumentation, I was forced to agree . . . or at least smile and nod. But after reading his email, I had to ask him why God wasn't a fan of homosexuals either.

From: "God Hates America"
To: "'Keith Costanzo'"
Subject: RE: hi continued
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 08:20:35 -0500

It isn't a joke, and have a nice time on your way to hell.

Thus began the start of a long, beautiful relationship.

2003-06-07T17:53:00.000-04:00

I have just found out that one of the greatest movies of all time, "Shaolin Soccer" will be released on August 8 in the US. This was by far one of the most excellent pieces of cinema ever created, yet it has whithered in non-US release for almost two years. Therefore, on August 8, I expect everyone to be in a movie theater watching this movie that provides the perfect mixture of martial arts and soccer, as well as humor. Also, I reserve the right to have the exclusive review of this for SCO.

2003-05-25T21:30:00.000-04:00

I think it is obvious that Keanu Reeves will go down as the greatest actor of our generation, yet he is constantly ridiculed and called "the worst actor ever." I insist, however, that all of his acting is absolutely perfect for the role. Today I watched a movie from 1988 called "the night before," in which he played a boy stricken with amnesia, and he mainly had to act confused the entire movie, and I don't think anyone could do it better. The conviction when he said "where am I" and "whoa" was so believable I would think he actually had amnesia. Now, let's talk the masterpiece "bill and ted's excellent adventure" in which he played a teenager again. This time, he went from an amnesia stricken teen to a surfer/stoner teen, and yet, he made the transition perfectly. I cannot imagine anyone else being able to deliver the lines "duuuude" and "DUDE" as well as he did. One would actually think he was a confused teen, as opposed to a 25 year-old actor. Keanu's next big role was "speed." In "speed" he was completely believable as a cop. When he said "there's a bomb on the bus," I knew he meant business. This takes us now to the matrix films. Can you really picture anyone else saying "I know kung fu"? I think not.

And we have now established keanu reeves is supremely underrated and should no longer be mocked, but hailed as the best actor of our times

2003-05-25T02:04:00.000-04:00

I stumbled upon some old documents on my computer. Among them was one labled simply "ideas." In it I found the following (the text has been unedited): "Keep Your Helmet on Your Head."

There you have it folks. Next time you tell your child or younger brother to stick a helmet on when they're riding around the neighborhood, tell them to do it if not for themselves, then for KC Costanzo.

On a completely different note: I consider myself an aficionado when it comes to the word "dude." It's sad that I use this word but I like to think that it serves as a reminder, in case you should forget, that I am, in fact, one of the whitest men in America and as such, you should probably stand at least 12 feet away if you ever find yourself conversing with me to make sure you don't catch my ultra-white cooties. Below I've listed the various ways in which the word "dude" can be used in a sentence. It's almost as diverse a word as the ever popular f-word (I'm talking about "Fuck" but I'm not using it in case it offends anyone).

"Dude." - "Hey, look over here."
"Dude . . ." - "You're wrong and here's why."
"DUDE." - "That's really stupid."
"Dude!" - "That's really cool."
"dude." - "I'm tired, leave me alone."
"dUdE." - "That's really stupid, but I'm tired so leave me alone."
"dUDE." - "Hello, I am going through puberty."
"Dood." - "I am the typical American teenager who can't speak English."
"Dude.com" - "This is my witty Information-Age take on a popular saying."

"Dude" is a word appropriate for all conversations and settings as far as I'm concerned . . . . well, approriate in all cases except one. The word "dude" and the question "Where's my car?" should never be placed together as doing such opens up an intellectual void capable of sucking up all sentient life for miles. You have been warned, Hollywood. A sequel could mean the destruction of this entire nation.

Note: This list may be incorrect and should not be taken as the definitive grammatical authority on the word "dude."

2003-05-22T18:44:00.000-04:00

I'll think about updating this later, but for now, draw your own conclusions on today's topic.

Sports that may never make it

Solo Synchronized Swimming
One-on-One Ultimate Frisbee
Four-a-Side Ping Pong
Full Contact Bowling
Touch Boxing
Outdoor Summer Ice Hockey
Roller Derby on Ice
Curling

2003-05-20T19:56:00.000-04:00

Today I thought I'd show people the proper way to express amusement over the Internet.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT write "LOL." It's spells "lahl" and has absolutely no meaning. In addition, never write "ROFL" or "LMAO." These are not words in the English dictionary (though "LMAO" looks like something you'd get if a Hispanic married a Chinese dictator and "ROFL" is probably something Scooby would say when eating at IHOP).

Instead of using these lowbrow, everyday initials, use one of the following:

heh -- This is my personal favorite. When you read the word out loud, it sounds somewhat like a real laugh. This is good, especially if your friends are the types that have to hear themselves speak in order to read and sound out words.

hahaha -- This is perfect if you are trying to make it clear that the joke your buddy has just told you on AIM is HIIIILARIOUS and not merely hilarious.

MWUHAHAHA (alternately MWAHAHAHA) -- Are you a major force of evil striving for recognition of your status? Than this one is for you! Type up your sinister plans and punctuate your conclusion with one of these babies.

Well, that's all I've got. Now it's time to do the same thing I do every night . . . try to take over the world! MWUHAHAHAHA! (Note the extra "ha" for added effect)

2003-05-18T19:45:00.000-04:00

My God! I finally wrote another article for Silver Chips Online! It's your lucky day!

So, here it is, my Matrix Reloaded review:

Reloaded rewrites sci-fi

It finally made it to theaters. The movie sci-fi nerds waited impatiently to plug into. The movie sophisticated snobs eagerly awaited because they wanted to catch glimpses of philosophical truths. The movie teenage girls held their breath for because a romantic love story (and some sketchy freak dancing) was reportedly part of the plot. And the movie the average Joe couldn't order tickets to fast enough just so he'd have an excuse to take his girlfriend into a darkened room. After a year of hype, finally it made it to theaters.

Whatever your reasons for going to see The Matrix Reloaded, you'll probably find what you want. Jam-packed with special effects that made jaws flop around on the floor like epileptic fish out of water and complimented by a plot that left even the most in-the-know audience members asking, “What just happened here?", you either walked away completely mesmerized, completely confused, or completely ready to dump the friends who dragged you along to see the movie.

The Matrix Reloaded is of course the first of two anxiously awaited sequels to the blockbuster hit from 1999. The movie centers around Neo (Keanu Reeves), the prophesied savior of mankind, and the people of Zion, the last human city, as they make preparations to head off an attack by machines bent on wiping out everyone who disconnects from the virtual world they built to keep humans in check.

The opening 60 minutes of the movie caused some people to wonder just what the Wachowski brothers, the enigmatic duo who wrote and directed the trilogy, thought they were doing. For instance, why was it necessary to have a sex scene that was at least five minutes long and interspersed with shots of the citizens of Zion getting down themselves in what is essentially a giant mosh pit?

Unfortunately, I can't answer that question and neither can I answer why Neo has to fight everyone he encounters instead of, say, using his powers of flight to avoid using his fists altogether.

It's true. If you were to watch only the first half of this movie, you'd be disappointed. Sure there are some amazing graphics and action sequences during that first hour, but the plot seems to be almost nonexistent. Neo is confronted by literally hundreds of bad guys and there never seems to be a reason why the encounters have to happen at the precise moments they do. It's almost as if the evil powers that be got bored and decided that, seeing as it was a lovely day outside, it might be nice to go find some people to beat up.

Grit your teeth and bear it because if you can tough out the opening, you're in for a treat.

First and foremost, there are the stunning visual effects that just might cause a few heads to spontaneously combust, so be careful and bring a bucket so you won't have to keep your brain in your lap. Reloaded features what could be the greatest car chase scene ever. The Wachowski brothers go full throttle with the eye candy on a freeway toward the end of the movie. The characters battle on top of trucks, smash and fly through cars, execute acrobatic leaps from motorcycles and even do a little bit of driving.

The special effects are an integral part of some of the new characters. Take for instance the Twins, an freakish pair of albino computer thugs with white, dreadlocked hair and white, shiny suits. The two, played by Neil and Adrian Rayment, periodically show up to carry our dirty work, often transforming into translucent, green-glowing apparitions that can float through walls and other objects. The agents, programs in the matrix meant to keep the system in order, also have a fair number of stunts.

Most of the characters that lived through the first movie take part in the action once again. Laurence Fishburne, who portrays the spiritual captain, Morpheus, and Carrie-Anne Moss, who plays Neo's high-kicking girlfriend, Trinity, both return for the good guys.

Fishburne is without a doubt the best actor of the returning trio from the Nebuchadnezzar (the Wachowski brothers' answer to George Lucas's Millenium Falcon). He makes it clear there's depth behind those black hole-like glasses he wears. And while the speech he delivers to the masses underground is far from the most stirring monologue ever written, he executes it admirably with all the emphasis and emotion of a televangelist except without asking for donations and without condemning his audience to eternal hellfire.

Fishburne is definitely one of the highlights of the film as far as acting is concerned, but his competition from the actors who portray characters on his side of the good/evil rift, is less than fierce. For instance, it's not hard to outperform Keanu Reeves. After all, this is the same guy whose career got jump-started when he landed the roll of Ted in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and whose southern accent in Devil's Advocate was about as consistent as Cher's hair color. Still, with that said, Reeves didn't detract from the film and even worked some intensity into his lines.

Of all the actors, Hugo Weaving delivers the most memorable performance. That's partially because he's playing the biggest, baddest villain since Darth Vader, but more importantly, he was perfectly cast for the part. Weaving's character, Agent Smith, is a renegade program in the matrix that's looking to get his revenge on Neo after their encounter in the first film. Weaving has some one-liners that compliment his character's personality perfectly and his exaggerated tone of voice and facial expressions make the crowd both chuckle and cringe. Couple his funny talk with the epic battles he and his clones engage in with Neo and you've got a great character.

All in all, this is by far the best film so far this year and it's only the setup for The Matrix Revolutions coming out in November. It's not for young kids both because of the massive doses of violence doled out and because of the sexual content, but if you're a teenager or older, go see it and keep an eye out for sneak preview of the next episode after the credits.

2003-05-13T12:31:00.000-04:00

well, its been a while since i last posted. So here we go with another EXCITING UPDATE!

I just finished watching another one of those goddamn VH1 specials. I realize now that i have all these repressed memories of the late 80's/early 90's, and only through VH1 can i completely understand myself. Actually, considering that i had no real experience with pop culture until probably 1993 (at 8 years old...I heard 2pac on the radio going to Drew..snff) all these repressed memories are probably just being implanted in my brain by VH1. I mean, there's no way in hell i listened to Skid Row when they first came out, so why do i think it's old school to listen to them now? It doesn't bring back any real memories. Now ninja turtles. That's a different story. They should have their own channel.

2003-05-10T23:54:00.000-04:00

So, anyone remember Ms Kajder? Well, she's written a book entitled The Tech-Savvy English Classroom. You can find references to us, if you can guess who she's talking about (no last names). Very amusing to me. Also, Mr Kaluta has written a book called something like "The Perfect Stage Crew".

2003-05-08T21:41:00.000-04:00

GODAMNITALLTOHELL!

I spent the better part of a long time writing up a post I personally thought was hysterically funny only to delete it in a freak accident that was either the result of an error that causes the words in the submission box to disappear when you tap the escape key or the result of God getting back at me for all those terrible things my friend said about him in the National Cathedral. If it was divine intervention, then God, I promise you, I will have my revenge on you. If it wasn't you, God, then I appologize and send my regards to Jesus or Buddah or whatever.

2003-05-06T19:38:00.000-04:00

Grrr...

You know what I hate more than anything?! I hate anal retentive people who have nothing better to do than to go on Chips Online and correct typos in my stories! ::cough:: Chris ::cough::

On a different note, AP's stink like fermented manure. And what does "concantenation" mean?

2003-05-04T20:45:00.000-04:00

HEY HEY HEY!!! its ben silsbee! And i'm coming at you each and every week only on Netslackers! The best jokes! The worst pictures! Somewhat interesting anecdotes! And thanks to the power of the magical invention known as the Internet, you can be privy to it in your own home!

whats up guys. this'll be interesting to say the least. I'll see what i can do about the funniness content of my entries. Ok here's one. We were at CD/Game exchange yesterday, when Dan Curl bought an MC Hammer single (Can't touch this). At the register, the guy gave DAN a dime, and thanked him for "removing that filth from his store" (not a real quote, but close).

2003-04-30T00:46:00.000-04:00

d'oh

I had a bunch of Buffy and comic book pictures (Xmen bayyybe!), as well as some risk ones, but I hit the back button, so no soup for you.

HI MR LEVIN!
How in the world did you find this site?

Comment from KC: This post is dedicated to Josh GM. The only regular reader we have besides ourselves. It's probably only funny to him and us.

2003-04-28T19:08:00.000-04:00

In the previous update, Chris unveiled a riveting story of cunning and bravery in the face of the faults of mankind.

I was glued to my seat. It's a true page-turner . . . except without pages . . . or turning.

Chris, have your people call mine. Let's do lunch. I want the movie rights to this blockbuster in the making.

You want your name in neon letters? A star in Hollywood? I'll get you there, babe (yes, I just called you "babe." You can punch me later).

This is going to be the biggest hit in theaters next year. We'll spend a week, maybe two, whipping up a script. We could start by providing the "Grandma" character with a love interest and adding action sequences (I envision a shark or maybe a rabid monkey living in the trunk and attacking your brother). Then we can begin casting.

How about this? Keanu Reeves as the enigmatic father, Martin Lawrence as the grandma (he was terrific in Big Mama’s House), the Olsen twins as the Mulligan brothers (we’ll just slap mustaches on them or something), and Christopher Walken as the evil AAA mob boss.

I’ve got the papers ready. All I need is your signature and three million dollars to get started.

It’s history in the making I tell you!

2003-04-27T20:03:00.000-04:00

So, while taking my grandmother to Washington National Airport (not Raegan national) we ran out of gas. Yes, that's right, no one had checked the gauge, no one had filled 'er up. Ooops. We ran out of gas just north of the airport, on the George Washington Parkway in Lady Bird Johnson Memorial Park. Luckily we were on the route taxis take, so I quickly hailed a cab, and we got her to the airport. This is good.

We spent 15-20 minutes on the phone with AAA describing our location and such. They said less then 1 hour, the driver would call 10 minutes beforehand. So... we waited, and waited. My brother went and pissed in the park, and we waited some more. At one hour, we called AAA. "Oh, the guy is getting gas now, 10 minutes". We waited. After another 35 minutes or so we called. "Oh, he'll be right there, 5 minutes." At two hours we call, and they say 5 minutes. My dad gets a cab and goes and buys some gas. Right as he's leaving, a AAA emergency service vehicle drives by us, ignores us, and keeps going.... So we waited. Another AAA car drives by going the wrong way, and honks. We waited more. My dad is back in ~25 minutes with a gallon of gas. As he fills it up, the AAA guy pulls off from another stretch that is merging on. Woohoo! Our 2 free gallons of gas have arrived, 2 and a half hours after we ran out. Anyways, we get home about 5 minutes before my grandma, and she flew to New York.

Photographs and maps at http://clm100.sytes.net:1984/images/no-gas/

2003-04-27T02:26:00.000-04:00

"Go home and die."

Bush gave a State of the Union address a while ago and now it's been deciphered. So that's what he meant.

There's also an animated version.

Other links to check out
-CurveBall: It's pong in 3D. I've seen several versions of this, but this is the only one that's any good (meaning it's the only version I've found where I can score any points).

-HoldTheButton: The dumbest game . . . ever. You'll see what I mean.

-Saddam Rap (need RealPlayer): I found this a while ago but never posted it. It's a parody of Gangsta's Paradise thought to be backed by the CIA. I'm really ashamed to say this came from the US of A. I mean for God's sake . . . we couldn't find a real rapper to write lyrics and rap for this parody?! Here's a small tidbit: "My days are finished and I will die - all I need is chilli fries." Wow. And you thought Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer were as bad as it could get (scroll threw that link . . .they're both there).

In other news: The NFL Draft was today. Apparently someone forgot to tell the Vikings about the time limit to pick a player. They went down two picks because no one got off their ass from the team to tell the commissioner who they were selecting. Good job.

Wondering what happened to the parody updates? Well, um, I haven't gotten around to it. I'll let you know though. Maybe.

2003-04-22T22:20:00.000-04:00

For official duties I'm running password strength checks on some passwords. It's very, very amusing seeing what passwords are being used by people. Depressing, in fact.

2003-04-18T02:00:00.000-04:00

Today I thought I'd explore the terrifying world of parodies.

If you've ever logged onto the Internet, no doubt you've stumbled upon more than your fair share of parodies. You forward them to your friends who in turn forward them to their friends who in turn forward them back to you. By about the eighth time you've received that hi-larious link to a picture of President Bush in a "PlasterCard" ad with a caption that reads something like, "Having a dad that used to be President -- Priceless," you're about ready to hurl the nearest heavy and preferably breakable item at the monitor. Yes, it was funny. But it doesn't quite have the same appeal once your inbox is filled with messages titled, "Re: LOL!!!!11 Funny Picture of 'President' Bush!!!"

With this in mind, I'd like to bring a few "fresh" parodies to the table. Note: I'd also like to point out that I realize I'm typing a lot of text in "quotes." This is to make my writing appear more "sophisticated."

I must warn you, these parodies are not remotely funny. They're all stupefying obvious and/or badly executed. Over the next several days, weeks, or months (depending on how often I update) I'll hook you, the reader, up with horrible puns and tasteless jokes that some how pass for parodies on the Internet. So fasten your seatbelts because you're in for a very unpleasant ride.

Case Study 1: Ghettopoly
It was bound to happen eventually. In fact, I'm not sure it hasn't been done before. I'm talking about a Monopoly game board featuring the various highlights of the ghetto rather than of the corporate world. That's right, now instead of buying Boardwalk you can purchase Ling Ling's Massage Parlour or Smitty's XXX Peepshow. Ghettopoly is endorsed by popular entertainer "Rusta Rhyme" (you know, Rusta Rhyme, Busta Rhyme's semi-retarded younger brother) who informs us "da game is ill." Unfortunately, the game can accommodate only "2 to 7 Playas" so don't have your whole posse over on a Friday night to play because there simply won't be enough game pieces.

Here, word for word and typos intact, is how Ghettopoly.com describes the game:

Buying stolen properties, pimpin hoes, building crack houses and projects, paying protection fees and getting car jacked are some of the elements of the game. Not dope enough?...If you don't have the money that you own to the loan shark you might just land yourself in da Emergency Room.

That's right folks, if you fail to pay off your fake debts with fake money, especially if you "own" a lot to someone, you just might end up in the intensive care unit of your local hospital.

Contents: Game Board, Loan Shark Tray, 40 Crack Houses, 17 Projects, Pink Slip Cards, Ghetto Stash and Hustle Cards, 7 Game pieces (Pimp, Hoe, 40 oz, Machine Gun, Marijuana Leaf, Basket Ball and Crack), Counterfeit Money, and 2 Dice.

What? You didn't know basket ball was two words? It amazes me how ignorant today's youth is. Oh, and, excuse me, but I believe The Onion once pointed out that the politically correct term is "crack home."

Well, that's all for now. If you've found a horrible parody on the Internet and you feel the men and women of the world have a right to know about it so they can studiously avoid all links leading to said parody, let us know.

2003-04-15T21:39:00.000-04:00

I think this is worthy enough of an entire post... I've officially been called a "namby-pamby" on another blog, for someone whom I don't know! He's an asshole too! Haganah.

2003-04-13T00:35:00.000-04:00

Time for another edition of . . .

Random Links

First off, we have a clone of the old helicopter game. This one (How Far Can You Go?) is done in Flash and the graphics are a touch better. I played it for about ten minutes and so far my high score is 1073. Drop a line if you beat it.

And today's second and last link of the day is b3ta.com. It's British so you might encounter funny spelling and strange expressions that we don't have in our language (Americanish). At any rate, it's some sort of community that exists via message board. The people who run the site harvest the various Photoshop images from the board and stick the best ones up on the front page. There are some pretty funny pictures and others are just interesting. It's pretty much the English SomethingAwful.com.

They recently hosted a competition featuring bad super heros. Here are a couple of the results:

I'm too lazy to write more, but expect a few more updates during the week.

2003-04-08T20:05:00.000-04:00

Anything to get Basketball off the top post...

This is new

It's spring break now. I like spring break. I've been thinking about a new nickname for online stuff. It's getting to be about time to phase out clm100, methinks. ∆IQ (DeltaIQ) perhaps? It would be like change in IQ, I think it could be cool. Maybe not... Full pictures from FOSE at http://clm100.sytes.net:1984/images/FOSE/

This isn't new anymore

FOSE is cool. Nothing beats free stuff!
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I also rode a Segway HT. You can hate me now.

2003-04-07T21:18:00.000-04:00

Here it is . . . the championship preview.

Silver Chips Online NCAA championship breakdown

Kansas (30-7) vs. Syracuse (29-5)
Tip-off 9:18 pm on CBS

The trends
If you look at Duke’s performance in the Sweet 16 recently, Kansas should lose this game. It seems like apples and oranges, but look at the facts. Since 2000, each time Duke has lost in the NCAA Tournament, the team that beat it has gone on to play in the championship game. In this case it’s Kansas. The last two times, however, the team that knocked Duke off has itself fallen in the championship game (Florida lost to Michigan St. in 2000 and Indiana lost to Maryland in 2002). That’s just coincidence, but the fact that Kansas coach Roy Williams finally beat Duke means more. He was 0-3 against the Blue Devils in the Tournament and one of those losses included his only other trip to the title game.

Syracuse also has a few trends it needs to buck. Like Williams, Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim has never won it all. He’s been coaching for 27 years and been to the final game twice, but came up short both times. The first time Boeheim led the Orangemen to the championship game, it happened to be in New Orleans, the site of this year’s championship. Syracuse came up with one point less than Indiana that year and went home without the trophy.
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SCOop on Kansas
Kansas obliterated Marquette in the Final Four on Saturday. The game was so lopsided that the Jayhawks were up by 40 briefly and went on to win by 33. Marquette had previously pounded tournament-favorite Kentucky and looked to be on a role. Kansas put an end to that notion early and squashed all attempts at a comeback. Even Golden Eagles star Dwyane Wade had trouble coming up with an answer for the tough Kansas defense.

Sophomore Aaron Miles had 18 points, double his scoring average and two points less than his season high. His big performance spells good things for the Kansas offense – as if it needed the help. Nick Collison, perhaps the Jayhawks’ best player, had just 12 points but ripped 15 rebounds out of the air and Keith Langford had his biggest tournament game to date with 23 points on 11 for 14 shooting. Kirk Heinrich chipped in with 18 points of his own.

Overall: An explosive offense coupled with the great senior leadership makes the Jayhawks a tough out.
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SCOop on Syracuse
Syracuse may not have pounded its opponent, but it still came away with a convincing win over a number one seed. Though the Orangemen failed to take away the passing lanes for T.J. Ford (he had a season high 13 assists) they did take away his scoring options. He had just eight shots and converted only three of them for 12 points.

The Syracuse players did indeed have the breakout games discussed in the Final Four breakdown. Carmelo Anthony, as expected, led the way with a career high 33 points and a tournament high 14 rebounds. He seemed to score at will, making head fakes that threw his defenders off and afforded him wide open looks at the basket. Another freshman, Gerry McNamara, scored 19 points and went 3 for 8 from beyond the arc, including one amazing shot with a hand in his face. Hakim Warrick also came up with his tournament best in points with 18 and nabbed 7 rebounds.

Overall: Syracuse has a legitimate shot at the title this year if it can get at least an average performance out of Anthony and one or two other players step up again.
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Best guess
You can’t say it enough: Senior leadership wins championships. Michigan State had Mateen Cleaves in 2000, Duke had Shane Battier in 2001, and Maryland had Juan Dixon in 2002. And Kansas? They’ve got Collison and Heinrich. We’ve picked the Jayhawks to lose twice now and would have picked them to go out three times had we done an Elite Eight preview. We’ve finally come to our senses after the Jayhawks notified the world it would be taking New Orleans by storm against Marquette. Sure Syracuse can still win it, but when you have to rely on as many freshmen as Boeheim does, you’re going to have to contend with some butterflies during the game. The Orangemen can’t afford to be queasy because, as the Jayhawks have show us, Kansas is capable of getting the knockout punch early.